


Where You Started

by AlixZin



Series: Alex and Lin [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander needs protecting, Anxiety Disorder, Child Abuse, First Meeting, Flashbacks, Food Issues, Foster Care, FosterDadLin, Gen, Headaches & Migraines, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Parent-Child Relationship, Parenthood, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prequel, Sleep Deprivation, Slow Burn, Some Fluff, Tobillo, Trust Issues, casually killing perfect foster parent tropes, code-switching, life detour, selective mutism, sleep issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-09-24 13:52:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 66,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9745625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlixZin/pseuds/AlixZin
Summary: Taking in a foster child the same week their son was born when they'd only just moved into their new apartment was never something the Mirandas would have planned on. The only reason they agree to take in the highly-traumatized teenager Alexander Hamilton is because it is an emergency placement for one night only. What could possibly go wrong?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Foster Dad Lin Collection](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6616012) by [ohNooOOOOoo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohNooOOOOoo/pseuds/ohNooOOOOoo). 



> A million thanks to ImLostForever for being my beta and creative adviser. Also for convincing me to write an origin story when my first impulse was not to touch something that has been done so many times. Finding my way in via what hasn't been done has been a joy. 
> 
> Trigger warning: Heavy themes of child abuse and sexual assault.

** Tuesday Night **

It all starts with a late-night phone call. It’s about 10pm and Lin is already in his pajamas getting ready for bed, with Vanessa in the baby’s room half asleep in a chair as she nurses newborn Sebastian. Groggy and lethargic from his first week as a dad, Lin is tempted not to answer the ringing phone, but fear that it might be a family emergency wins out.

“This is Lin Miranda.”

“Yeah, hi.  We have a kid in need of emergency placement, like now. Can you do it?”

The man on the other end doesn’t bother introducing himself, but even in Lin’s sleep deprived state he is able to deduce it’s social services. They haven’t heard from them in months. What on earth is this?

“Um, I don’t think we’re an approved placement yet.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I see it here in the notes. You just got approved this afternoon. They were going to call you either today or tomorrow, but you know how it goes. So, can you take a kid tonight?”

Lin’s head is spinning. What?!

“My wife just had a baby. He’s only a week old. I don’t think this would be a good time to take in another young kid. I think there should be a note on our file that after getting pregnant we said we wanted to wait a few years until our kid was older before starting to foster.”

“This one is fourteen years old, not a kid, so that’s not an issue. Look, you know what emergency placement is, right? We honestly just need a safe place for him to stay for the night, and we’ll figure something out for him in the morning. It would be two days’ tops.”  

This feels like a trick, somehow.

“Why so short?”

“To be honest we kind of dropped the ball on monitoring his latest placement, and well in summary he’s probably going to need a special placement that has training and experience in childhood trauma.”

Seriously?! What the hell happened and why is this guy being so glib about it?

“If that’s the case, what makes you think we can handle this?”

“It says you taught 7th grade, so already you’d be better than most at handling a troubled teen. Not that he’s really a behavior problem, very withdrawn actually. Literally all you’d have to do is provide him with a bed and feed him.”

Really going above and beyond with this kid, aren’t they?

“Also, one reason you guys really jumped out at me is you speak Spanish. This one is from one of those Caribbean islands, Cuba or something, and has only been here a year or so. Getting this kid to communicate anything is a challenge, and I imagine the language barrier plays a big part.”

Lin is feeling both annoyance at the blatant ignorance displayed and heartache for this still hypothetical kid all alone in the world and not even speaking the language. He never should have answered the phone. Already Lin can feel himself wearing down, but still tries his best to resist.

“We just moved into our new apartment this weekend. Our guest room isn’t set up yet.”

“Do you have a spare mattress or even a couch he can sleep on?”

“Yeah…”

“That’s good enough. Look, I don’t mean to rush you, but this is somewhat of an emergency. If the answer is no I’ve got a lot more frantic phone calls to make tonight.”

In spite of himself, Lin’s now worried about how bare minimum this man on the phone is doing for this boy. If he says no what type of situation will they dump him in instead?

“Where is he now?” he asks, stalling for time as his brain works on overdrive trying to figure out how to rationalize saying yes to this or how he could possibly say no without feeling like a horrible human being. He doesn’t like either option.

“Emergency room. Nothing serious though, so don’t let that scare you off. He has a minor broken bone, but mostly he just needed doctors to check for serious injury, do a rape kit, give IV fluids for a bad case of dehydration and send him on his way. He’s already ready to be discharged, but we don’t yet have a place to take him. Are you saying you will?”

Fuuuuuck. Now he knows too much. This isn’t just some hypothetical teen anymore—this is a real kid sitting alone in a hospital room _right now_ who is injured, traumatized beyond belief and has no idea what’s going to happen to him. Lin’s going to regret this, and more importantly Vanessa is going to murder him. But he’s already too emotionally invested in this kid to walk away guilt free.

“What’s his name?”

“Alexander. His name is Alexander Hamilton.”


	2. Tuesday Night: Day 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lin and Vanessa meet Alexander for the first time.

** Tuesday Night: Day 1 **

One night. It’s just one night. It’s really no different than having one of his nephews over for a sleepover. No different at all.

It feels different though. As if something major was about to shift in their lives.

Fostering kids had always been something they’d talked about. Vanessa had dealt with the foster care system several times in her law practice and Lin had worked with a handful of foster kids while still a teacher that had really touched his heart. Plus it was something he had grown up hearing about, what with his mom’s job as a psychologist dealing with family placement, so it really was a natural choice. It also came down to the timer Lin’s always had in his head, slowly but surely ticking down. What better way to make a difference in this world and leave behind a legacy than helping children in need?

What they hadn’t counted on was getting pregnant just weeks after filling out the paperwork to become foster parents. They’d both quickly realized that, while this wasn’t the ideal time to start fostering, they would like to keep the door open for the future, when their child was older. As a result, they’d continued the process of getting approved, but hadn’t been actively pursuing it so things had somewhat stalled. `

All of which led them to this moment— something they had never planned on at the worst possible time. It feels a lot like an unplanned pregnancy, only they don’t have nine months to adjust and prepare. He’s coming _now_. And this unplanned baby is coming out a teenager that’s all kinds of damaged.

If there’s one time in his life Lin would like to never experience again, it would be slinking into his infant son’s bedroom and sheepishly telling his sleep-deprived wife what he’d just agreed to.

“I just can’t believe you agreed without talking to me first. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have said yes, but this is a decision I should have been included in,” Vanessa rants at him for the hundredth time that night as the two of them frantically search the still-packed boxes for a spare set of sheets. While they know several exist, after twenty minutes of fruitless searching they give up the quest and instead settle on just using an assortment of blankets and a sleeping bag had managed to locate.

Lin frowns at the state of their guest room. It’s overflowing with unpacked boxes since it’s where they’d been sticking everything they didn’t know what to do with ever since moving in two days prior. With them not having the time or energy to move them out this late at night, the boxes had all just been pushed to the side of the room, surrounding a bare mattress with an old sleeping bag on top of it. This is not exactly an inviting bedroom to be giving Alexander. It’s really rather grim.

“Remind me again what his name is?” Vanessa asks, interrupting Lin’s apartment shame-spiral. “I was so mad at you I wasn’t listening earlier.”

“His name is Alexander.”

“Does he have a last name?”

“Yes.”

“What is it?’

“Hamilton…” Lin mutters, knowing full well how ridiculous it sounds.

Vanessa stops dead in her tracks before throwing her hands up in the air and rounding on him.

“This is a joke? You’re pranking me with this? Is all of this some stupid bit your working on?”

“No, I swear. I would never make up anything like that. This is a real-life kid who needs help. The name is just a bizarre coincidence. It’s not like either the first or last name is unusual. He’s not even from the United States, so the combination was probably unintentional.”

Vanessa stands down, but still looks skeptical.

“Have you considered that this might be one of your friends pranking you?”

“The guy on the phone was too frazzled. It was definitely a social worker. And if it was a joke, no one would have let it go this far or provide such heartbreaking details. This is real V.”   

“That’s not the reason you said yes, was it? Did you think the universe was sending you some kind of sign?”

“I’d already made up my mind before he told me his name.”

“I don’t know if that should make me feel better or not. Was it the immigrant part that got you?”

“Yes. Well, it was all of it combined that got me. I tried to say no to it, V. I really did. I just couldn’t.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I’m still not happy with you, but like you said, it’s only one night. We can deal with almost anything for one night. At least for this second, I’ll stop being mad at you. Tell me more about the kid.”

Before ending the phone conversation, he had heard a little bit more about what was going on to require such an emergency placement, that he painfully shares with his wife. The story goes that a neighbor had called the police after hearing a loud banging noise followed by a child’s screaming coming from the apartment next door. In the police report the man had admitted that he’d been worried about the boy from down the hall for about a month or so, noting how skinny he was becoming, how he kept getting odd bruises and the few times he’d been out and about hadn’t displayed normal behavior. The officer who’d stopped by had taken one look at the teenager who’d answered the door and taken him straight to the hospital. It was only there that it was discovered that Alexander was a foster kid and social services had been contacted. It’s not a good story.

The knock on the door came far too soon. This is it.

In walks James Callender, the social worker he spoke to on the phone. He has his hand on back of a much smaller figure, half guiding and half pushing him into the apartment. Alexander.

“Mr. and Mrs. Miranda,” the man greets with a brief nod of the head, while giving his charge another push forward. Already Lin has the impression that without the constant prodding Alexander would have remained rooted to the spot and never would have made it inside.

The teenager is tiny. Absolutely tiny. Alexander is the height you would expect of a kid several years younger than him and is way, way too skinny. His face is gaunt, but with no visible bruises (though that doesn’t mean they aren’t there), and a shaggy head of dark hair that hangs every which way. Alexander’s right arm is in a sling, probably from the mentioned broken bone. He’s wearing nothing more than a mismatched pair of hospital scrubs and a worn-out pair of flip flops. It’s late November.

“Lin and Vanessa is fine. That’s what you can call us Alexander. Welcome to our home. It’s very nice to meet you.” Lin extends his hand for the teen to take. He doesn’t.

In fact, he won’t even look at them. Instead he just stares at the floor and seems to be going out of his way to make himself appear as small and insignificant as possible.  Alexander’s entire vibe screams beaten puppy, reminding him very much of Tobi before they’d combed out all the nits from her hair. Only Tobi had been way more interactive.

 “Come on kid, you have to at least say hello. This is not a good way to start a new placement. What must they think of you?” scolds Mr. Callender.

 With a start, Alexander gives them a small wave with the arm not in the sling, the movement seeming twitchy and terrified.

“Hi sweetie,” Vanessa responds softly. All previous anger she might have had towards this situation seems to have melted away now that she’s been confronted with the boy in the flesh. He seems so broken.

“What happened to your arm, bud?” Lin tries again to elicit a response.

“He has a broken shoulder blade.” The social workers answers for him, not even bothering to give Alexander a chance to respond for himself.

“Really? I’ve never heard of anyone breaking that bone before.”

“It requires a significant amount of force to break. It’s not the kind of injury that typically occurs by accident. Sometimes a really bad car wreck can cause it but other than that…” Mr. Callender trails off, leaving the implications thick in the air.

All Lin can do to that is stare at him in horror. What on earth would compel somebody to do something like that to a child? This is way more than a moment of lashing out in anger or a punishment gone too far (not that either would have been okay). An injury like this sounds calculated. That was probably where the reported screaming came from. Good god.

“I do apologize for the state of our apartment. We just moved in this weekend, and haven’t made much headway in unpacking yet.  Can I show you to your room, Alexander?” asks Vanessa, seeming eager to change the subject. “It’s our guest room that I’m afraid is in even worse shape than the living room in terms of unpacking, but you’ll be the only one in it. We can take your things over now if you like?”  

Still (but at this point, not unsurprisingly) Alexander does not respond. It is then that Lin notices that he doesn’t seem to have anything with him. Could it still be down in the car?

“Does he have any luggage or…” Anything?

“Alex, did you bring any of your things with you when the police got you?” the man asks sharply.

Still staring at the floor, Alexander shakes his head.

“Ugh! What a pain. Okay fine, we’ll see if someone can swing by the Atkinsons’ tomorrow and get your clothes.”

“My books?” Alexander speaks for the first time. His voice is soft, not yet fully broken and brimming with uncertainty.

“Of course,” Mr. Callender rolls his eyes at Lin. “The people who have cared for him for the past seven months are under arrest and _that’s_ what he cares about. I’ll check tomorrow!” he addresses Alexander clearly and loudly as if that will make him understand the English better, making Lin cringe. He either knows the words or he doesn’t and shouting isn’t going to help. It gives Lin an idea though.

Maybe the reason Alexander isn’t responding to them is because he doesn’t understand. Didn’t the Mr. Callender say on the phone he spoke limited English?

 _“We’ll get your books back Alexander,”_ Lin assures him in Spanish. He reaches out to touch his good shoulder in a sign of comradery. Before he makes contact Alexander jerks out of the way, hissing in pain as the sudden movement jolts his injury.

Right, no touching then.

“Exactly,” Mr. Callender declares, arrogantly assuming that Lin had been agreeing with him. “This isn’t exactly a high priority. You can get other books.”

Alexander bites down on his lower lip and stares at his feet, looking near tears. What is wrong with this guy? Clearly these books mean something important to the kid, and even if not, they are one of the few things he has.

 _“It does matter. I’ll make some calls in the morning,”_ Vanessa chimes in.

Alexander glances up at them for just a brief second, looking surprised by either the Spanish, the message, or both, before looking away again.

“Well, it’s late and it’s been a long day. I know I’d like to go home, but before I do I have quite a few papers for you guys to sign.”

“Let’s go to the kitchen table. _Why don’t you sit down in the living room, Alexander? I bet you’re tired after all of this.”_ Lin switches to Spanish while talking to the kid.

Alexander gives a slight nod, before stiffly making his way over to the couch and sitting down. It is in fact a very comfortable piece of furniture, but the way Alexander sits on it, you would never know it. He looks like he’s awaiting torture.

As they make their way over to the next room, Lin’s mind is bursting with a million questions. It’s hard to work out what to start with. Finally, he decides on the bizarre ensemble Alexander’s wearing, made all the more worrisome given he has no luggage with clothes to change into.

 “Are those his clothes?”

“No. Foster kids are given some weird things to wear sometimes, but even that is pushing it. The scrubs are a loan from the hospital. The clothes he was wearing were taken as evidence.”

Meaning Alexander has nothing. Not even the clothes off his own back. How does this even happen? How can a situation be allowed to get this bad?

“Right, let’s get started on the papers so I can get out of here. Someone will probably be by in the morning.”

 “Besides that, do you have any information on him that we need? A file?” asks Vanessa.

“Not on me. This wasn’t exactly something that was planned. He doesn’t have any medical conditions or allergies so that’s fine. There really isn’t anything else you need to know. You’re basically providing bed and breakfast service, so really don’t stress it.”

Vanessa’s facial expression regarding how disinterested the social worker is of Alexander’s welfare mirror his own. She looks moments away from giving him a firm piece of her mind. Probably the only reason she doesn’t is because of her fatigue at this late hour. Instead they just focus on getting all the paperwork signed and done with as quickly as possible.

Once done they escort Mr. Callender back into the main room to take his leave. When they come back into the room Alexander scrambles off the couch and back to his feet, looking like a military cadet standing at attention in the presence of a commanding officer. Seriously, what did these people do to him?

“Well kid, I’m heading out for the night. I may or may not see you in the morning. Don’t cause any trouble, since I will hear about it.”

Alexander’s only response to this halfhearted goodbye is to hang his head and hunch his shoulders, his entire body seeming to clam up. Both Lin and Vanessa take note of how even this slight movement makes him wince in pain.

“Was he given any painkillers for the shoulder?” Vanessa whispers frantically to Mr. Callender who is already halfway out the door.

“That’s a non-issue. The ER staff all felt really bad for him, so Alexander was given enough narcotics to put out a beached whale. I don’t know how he’s still up and talking to you.”

Hardly. Two words, not even spoken to them, far from qualifies. Still, this gives Lin hope. Maybe that’s why Alexander seems so spaced out. It would make sense. Any possible alternative reason for his silence scares him.

“Is he going to need more pain medicine later?” Vanessa asks, already very much on top of things.

“Oh, right.” Mr. Callender absentmindedly hands her a prescription note from his pocket. If she hadn’t asked would they not have gotten it?

As if reminded of something, the man pauses his quick retreat to pull out a pile of papers from his messenger bag.

“I almost forgot,” Mr. Callender hands the papers to Lin. “Discharge papers from the ER full of information on what was diagnosed.”

It’s thick.

“Wait, hold on, you said there were no-“ but the guy is already out the door. “Medical conditions,” he finishes lamely.

Lin hears the sound of the door closing behind the social worker in his head much louder than it really is. That ominous bang signals a major shift: even if it’s just for one night, this boy is now their responsibility and no one else’s.

Now what?

No matter how scared and uncertain Lin might be feeling, it doesn’t even come close to matching how scared their new charge is looking right now. As callous as his social worker might be, at least he’s someone that Alexander knows. Lin can’t even begin to imagine how it must feel to be left alone with total strangers.

Lin wishes he knew what to say to put the kids mind at ease, but comes up with nothing. Instead the three of them just stand in awkward silence for a good minute before Lin finally spurts out the first thing in Spanish that pops into his head.

_“It’s pretty late. Do you maybe just want to go to bed?”_

Alexander gives a tiny shrug with just his left shoulder. He still hasn’t spoken a single word to them.

“ _Maybe first you can get out of those hospital clothes? How about you come with me to our bedroom and you can pick out a pair of my pajamas you can borrow tonight_?”

The boy’s eyes widen and he takes a step backwards.

“ _Or you can stay here with me and Lin-Manuel can pick something out for you,”_ Vanessa cuts in, way quicker on the uptake _. “Would that work out better sweetie_?”

Alexander gives a small nod and leans his body closer to Vanessa as if seeking protection. Fuck. The social worker had said he’d needed a rape kit. Of course Alexander would see being invited to go alone to a bedroom with a strange man to change clothes as a threat. It doesn’t get much creepier than that. Lin awkwardly slinks away to the bedroom to get clothes for him, furious at himself for screwing up so badly already.

“Gracias,” Alexander whispers when Lin comes back and hands him a graphic tee-shirt with a map of NYC neighborhoods and fleece Super Mario pajama bottoms. Running tally of number of words Alexander has spoken: 3. Words spoken to them: 1.

“ _You can go change in the bathroom or bedroom sweetie. Either one is fine. But just know the bathroom door can be locked from the inside if that makes you more comfortable.”_ Vanessa is already so much better at this than Lin could ever hope to be.

Alexander nods slightly before hesitantly walking over to the bathroom, glancing over his shoulder a few times as he does so as if sure someone will follow him. When he closes the door behind him they hear the lock click. If he never came out of there again that night, Lin wouldn’t even be shocked. He certainly wouldn’t be able to blame him.

While he’s in the bathroom, Lin flips through the hospital discharge papers, just looking at the headings to get an idea of what they’re dealing with.

_Child abuse, broken scapula, malnutrition in children, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, selective mutism, dehydration, teen sexual abuse._

Holy shit! What did he just get them into? Overwhelmed by the information overload, Lin sets it aside for the time being.

To their surprise about fifteen minutes later as they are watching mindless TV, Alexander comes back and sits himself down on an armchair about as far from where they are on the couch as possible. He curls himself up, giving the impression of someone trying to disappear. Alexander doesn’t look at them, but does seem mildly interested in the TV screen, which at least is something. It’s good that he’s showing some signs of life.

Now that Alexander is in short sleeves, both their eyes are drawn to a horrifying bruise on Alexander’s upper arm that’s partially in the shape of a handprint. You can see all five fingertips, like somebody grabbed him hard and wouldn’t let go. It also looks like Alexander had made some effort to tame his hair while in the bathroom since the chin length hair is now a little less wild and tucked behind his ears. Meaning they can now see a large bruise on his left ear and extending directly behind it. There is no way a bruise that odd occurred by accidental means.

“ _Well Alexander, before we go to bed, I was wondering if you’d like hot chocolate_?” Vanessa asks, her voice cracking a little as they take in these new horrors.

He shrugs.

“ _If I make it for the three of us will you drink it?”_

Slowly Alexander nods his head, all while gnawing aggressively at his lower lip. It’s going to break open soon if he doesn’t stop it. Lin wishes there were a way he could tell him to cut it out without freaking him out, but comes up with nothing.

“ _That settles it, hot chocolate, popcorn and Netflix. Then we all need to get to bed.”_ Vanessa smiles sadly at him before disappearing to the kitchen.

Lin places the remote control on the coffee table and slides it over towards Alexander. “ _How about you pick something for us to watch?”_

It seemed like a good idea, but instead his eyes widen at the prospect and he pushes the device back towards Lin.

 _“You pick_ ,” he mutters. That’s a start. Now they’re up to five words total and three to them.

“ _The West Wing is my favorite TV show. Have you seen it, Alexander_?”

He shakes his head, still chewing on that lip as though it had personally wronged him.

“ _Well then, we’re going to have to fix that.”_ Lin turns on the pilot episode with Spanish subtitles and they settle in for the ride.

\--------------------

“Hey Lin?” Vanessa whispers in the dark an hour so later as they lay in bed.

“Yeah?”

“I know I was mad at you, but…you did good. That poor boy needs all the love and help he can get. We can keep Alexander a few more days if needed. Maybe even a week?”

“If it’s needed,” Lin repeats. It’s remarkable how quickly Vanessa came to care for the child she never even consented to taking in. He doesn’t think it’s possible to love her more than he does right now.

“We can talk to social services about it tomorrow. We also need to find out about his books so we’ll have to speak to someone higher up. I’ll get all lawyery if I have to.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

\----------------------------------------

Halfway through the night Lin wakes up with Sebastian, who’s in need of a bottle and change. When he comes out to the living room to watch some TV as Seb takes the bottle he is startled to find Alexander in the same place as they had left him, with the no longer subtitled West Wing halfway through the first season. They had gone to bed hours ago, giving him the option to keep watching for a while longer. Lin glances at the clock. It’s three in the morning. This is not exactly what he had meant.

Lin pauses in the doorway, trying to figure out how to approach the kid without scaring him. Why isn’t he sleeping? From the moment Alexander stepped through the door he had looked in desperate need of sleep. After he had been through such an exhausting day, half of it in the emergency room, Lin would have expected him to have conked out long ago. Now he looks ready to nod off at any second, but resisting it with every fiber in his being. Alexander is ridiculously tense, wound tight like a coil as if he’s expecting something horrible to happen at any second.

Though not horrible, that something happens to be Sebastian, letting out a baby squawk of indignation at the delay of the bottle.

Alexander cries out in fear and recoils to the other side of the couch, breathing heavily.

Lin’s brain is working on overtime trying to figure out how to handle the situation. He’s still trying to figure out how to be a father to an infant, let alone a scared and highly traumatized young teen. Finally, he decides that before he can do anything about Alexander, he must attend to Sebastian’s immediate needs.

“ _Life with a newborn,”_ he tells Alexander softly. _“We wake up a lot to feed him. Mind if I join you?”_

Alexander nods slowly, looking confused, but a bit calmer. Through sheer dumb luck Lin might have stumbled on the best approach: acting like this is all perfectly normal.

He sits down in the armchair furthest away from the skittish teen, where he settles Seb with the bottle.

“ _Alexander, meet Sebastian, our son_.”

They don’t say anything for a while, just listening to the soft sounds of the television and the baby sucking down the milk. Lin notices that Alexander is looking at Sebastian with curiosity. It had been such a bizarre evening and introduction, they hadn’t even mentioned the third family member.

¿Cuántos años?” Alexander whispers. Whoo! Seven words total, five to them. Maybe if he’s really lucky they’ll make it to ten before the night is over.

“ _He was born on November 10 th. He’s just a week old. Do you like babies, Alexander?”_

Alexander shrugs his left shoulder in response, but really what teenage boy is going to answer that question?

When the baby drifts off to sleep Lin moves to place him in the bassinet in the corner of the room, prompting Alex to suck in his breath and look at him with renewed fear. Realizing that Alexander considers him to be less of a threat with a baby in his arms, Lin promptly picks Sebastian back up.

“ _Can’t you sleep, mijo_?” he asks gently.

Alexander says nothing, but looks embarrassed.

“ _Are you afraid to sleep?”_

Alexander bites down on his lower lip hard enough to draw blood this time, several drops of it spilling below his lip.

“Sorry,” he at last whispers in English. Lin considers him for a moment, too upset to update his running word count. He’s the one Alexander is scared of. How does he fix this?

_“What if we get all the cushions from the couch and all your blankets and set it up in the bathroom where you can lock the door? Do you think you could sleep then?”_

Alexander gives a small nod, looking at Lin as if he’s never seen the likes of him before. It really is a bizarre suggestion.

“ _If you’re here another night we’ll get you a lock for the bedroom_.” Lin already knows he wants Alexander to stay another night.  He wants to protect this boy at all costs.

As the two of them set up a little bed of cushions between the toilet and the shower, Lin thinks about the mandatory child sexual assault training he’d had to take as a teacher and the haunting videos of now-adult victims talking about what they had experienced. One of them had told the story of how their attacker would come into their room in the middle of the night when everyone else was asleep. The thought that this might be the case with this terrified boy in front of him makes Lin feel ill.

Alexander needs a lock.


	3. Wednesday Morning: Day 2

 

** Wednesday Morning: Day 2 **

“Lin. Lin, wake up.”

“Hmmm?”

“We’ve got a problem.”

“With what?” He buries his face back into the pillow, too sleep-deprived to be fully listening.

“Alexander.”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve read every document there is to read at this point, but I’ll bite. What’s Ham done this time?”

“Not the long-dead Secretary Treasury you idiot. The boy. The one you agreed to take in last night without consulting me first. That Alexander.”

Oh shoot! Lin sits abruptly up in bed at this sudden realization. Now he’s awake. Does it make him a terrible person if he forgot all about it while still half asleep?

“Ring any bells yet?” Vanessa smirks at him.

“What’s wrong?” He didn’t run away in the middle of the night, did he? Fuck. That’s not at all outside the realm of possibility given how the kid’s been acting.

“I woke up to use the bathroom an hour ago, and it was occupied by Alexander. He’s still in there. In our only bathroom, Lin. I had to go to our neighbor’s place to use their bathroom. Even more pressing: I’m worried about him. I can’t think of any healthy reasons to spend that long in there.”

“Oh that. Everything’s fine. He was afraid to sleep anywhere that wasn't secure, so I set him up with a nest to sleep on in the bathroom since it’s the only room where the door locks. Sorry.”

Vanessa’s now looking at him a little misty eyed.

“When did this happen?”

Lin glances at his phone for the time. “About four hours ago when I was up with Seb. Alexander was still awake and terrified. I had to get him comfortable enough to sleep somehow.”

“That was very sweet of you Lin-Manuel, unconventional as it may be. I definitely married one of the good ones. I just hope Alexander is an early riser and isn’t one of those teens who sleeps in forever. Then we will have a problem.”

Lin glances at the time on his phone again.

“Christ, and I have to leave for my cabinet meeting with Tommy and Alex in an hour.” Arriving a complete mess who didn’t even run a comb through his long hair since he couldn’t get into the bathroom it is then. At least he has the new father excuse to fall back on.

“Oh no, you’re not. This is all your doing. You are not leaving me alone with a kid we know nothing about.”

 Fair enough. Lin knows better than to argue. He didn’t really want to leave them anyway.

“Alright. I’ll text them and then see what I can do about waking Alexander without giving him a heart attack.” Not likely, but he’ll try.

“No, no, let him sleep as long as he can. I can’t speak for the state of your bladder, but I should be good for at least a couple hours now.”

And now that she’s said it all he can think about is how badly he needs a morning pee. She’s evil. Especially since the neighbors they only just met would be a lot more likely to indulge a woman who just gave birth a week ago begging to use their bathroom, than a fully-grown man who most definitely did not.  Still, he doesn’t like the idea of only giving Alexander a few hours of sleep so he and his bladder will just have to suffer for a while.

As he gets up to make coffee (which will not at all help with the problem, but is nonetheless needed) he sends a quick text to his friends.

“Hey guys, I’m so sorry this is so last minute, but I’m not going to make the meeting this morning.”

Alex Lacamoire quickly responds back.  “That’s a first. Everything ok?”

 “Fine. Just kid stuff.”

Lin can’t say exactly why he doesn’t want to tell his friends about his unexpected foster care situation just yet. Maybe it’s because telling people makes it real, something that becomes part of his life story that gets discussed, rather than just some random thing that happened for a night. Sharing this with people feels like more of a commitment. So, he goes with the intentionally vague answer. Kid stuff does capture what’s happening with Alexander while heavily implying he means Sebastian. It’s not fully a lie.

Lin’s not even halfway through getting the coffee ready when their dog Tobi decides to make a dramatic entrance. The pup, whose moods vary wildly between extreme laziness and hyperactivity, bounds out of their bedroom, where she slept through all of the night’s events, and begins running laps around their apartment, barking like mad.  Crazy thing. Lin takes off after Tobi trying to grab her and calm her down before she wakes up both the boys.

 Too late. As Tobi’s barks echo throughout the apartment, Sebastian’s cries from the next room soon add to the noise.

“I’ll get him!” Vanessa calls. “But if you could take her for a walk and get some of that manic energy out, that would be great!”

As Lin continues his pursuit of the dog into the main hallway, the bathroom door opens slightly and a pair of anxious brown eyes peek out.

“Beunos dias, Alexander,” Lin pants as he manages to tackle Tobi in a corner and attempt to hold her still as she practically vibrates from pent up energy. _“Um, things aren’t normally this crazy around here. Sorry for all the noise.”_

Alexander hesitantly opens the door a bit further and pokes his head out. He doesn’t look like he had the most restful night, with deep bags under his eyes. Lin is charmed by the way his semi-long hair curls at the ends, just below his ears. Alexander is a rather good looking kid, even with bedhead. He doesn’t speak, but as Lin clicks Tobi into a leash to try to gain some control of her, Alexander gives him a quizzical look.

  _“Yeah, this is Toblio, our dog. She can be a bit of a handful, but wouldn’t hurt a fly. Um, I swear we don’t have any more family members hidden away. You’ve now met all of_ Casa _Miranda_.”  At least all the ones that live here, but his extended family is not likely to come up during Alexander’s brief stay with them.

“Ankle?” asks Alexander softly in English. Lin’s got to admit that’s a pretty cute first word of the day.

 _“It’s weird, isn’t it? She’s a mutt we found in The Dominican Republic a few years ago. We named her that because when we first met her as a puppy running wild on the beach she bit Vanessa on the ankle. She was a scrappy orphan stray.”_ Not unlike you, Lin thinks as he shares this with Alexander, but doesn’t say out loud. _“We mostly call her Tobi. Are you okay with dogs?”_

Alexander gives a slight nod.

“ _Good. I’m going to take her for a walk around the neighborhood to try and calm her down_.” Tobi is still bounding around uncontrollably, now getting Lin’s legs all tangled up with the leash that he has to navigate out of. “ _Would you like to join me?”_

Alexander doesn’t say anything, but his previously relaxed face as he watched Tobi’s antics darken and he looks at Lin fearfully. That’s a no.

“ _That’s okay. You don’t have to. Uh…before I leave can I talk you into stepping out of the bathroom for a second? I kind of really have to use it?”_ asks Lin awkwardly.

Alexander complies with this request, coming out into the hallway. It’s noteworthy that he keeps his back pressed against the wall as he does so, maintaining as much space between him and Lin as possible, while still keeping him in full sight. Lin’s heart clenches in his chest. No one has ever made him feel like such a bad guy before.

“ _Would you like to hold the leash for me for a sec?”_ Lin offers, only because of the way he seemed more at ease while looking at Tobi.

Alexander takes the leash hesitantly, seeming to go out of his way to avoid any direct contact with Lin’s hand as they make the transfer. Lin worries for a second as Tobi takes full notice of this new human and excitedly jumps up on him, but he needn’t have. Alexander looks almost happy for the first time since arriving here. His eyebrows aren’t furrowed with worry anymore. Lin hadn’t noticed it was a chronic feature on his face until it was gone.

Lin’s more than happy to leave the two of them alone for a second. It would likely do the kid some good to get uninterrupted dog time if that’s something he enjoys. After taking care of business, brushing his teeth and pulling his hair into a bun (a quick look in the mirror revealed it was even wilder than Alexander’s, oops), Lin picks up Alexanders sling from amid the blanket nest on the bathroom floor to bring to him.

When he comes back out Alexander is crouched on the floor with the dog, looking at her with extreme fondness, but not touching her. Does he not think he’s allowed to?

“ _You can pet her you know. You don’t ever have to ask permission to do that.”_

Alexander jumps about a mile at these words, yet thankfully recovers quickly enough to reach out a hand toward Tobi for her to sniff. He then pats her on the head and actually smiles when she leans into the touch. The kid likes dogs then. Dogs and babies. Those two facts, some of the few things he knows about the kid, are starting to paint the picture of a tender soul.

“ _Are you sure you don’t want to come on the walk with us_?”

Alexander’s face instantly turns dark. Tobi is not the problem in this equation. He is. If Lin didn’t see the teen as a potential flight risk, he would offer to have him walk Tobi himself.

“ _That’s okay, it’s totally fine if you don’t want to. Here’s the sling, bud. Make sure you put it on to keep your shoulder immobilized. Did a doctor say how long you need to wear it?”_

Alexander holds up six fingers, before he takes the offered item and gingerly hands Lin back the leash. It’s a careful dance orchestrating such a transfer without any touching.

_“Days or weeks?”_

“Semanas,” he whispers to the floor.

“ _Good to know_.” Lin almost offers to help him put it on, but thinks better of it. He can just picture the kid running across the apartment to hide at such an intimate offer.

_“We’re going to head out. Vanessa is in the next room if you need anything. There’s fresh coffee in the coffeemaker you are welcome to help yourself to. Also, feel free to use the tv or look at any of our books. I’ll be back in five to ten minutes.”_

Alexander looks relieved to see him go.

\----

The first order of business when Lin gets back from walking Tobi is figuring out Alexander’s clothes situation. He simply can’t stay in those pajama’s all day, especially with the legs of the fleece bottoms rolled up a ridiculous amount that he keeps tripping over. Changing back into the hospital scrubs is also not acceptable. Lin briefly considers taking Alexander out shopping for clothes at the nearest department store. It’s the obvious choice. The only problem is that Alexander seems too fragile to be out in public right now. For a kid that barely seems to be coping in a little apartment with two people and a baby, a crowded and noisy department store or mall would be way too much.

He learned his lesson last night about inviting Alexander into his bedroom, so elects to come up with some options on his own and bring them out to him with Vanessa present. Finding a top for him is fairly straightforward. He just has to live with it being overly large and hanging off of the boy. Lin grabs several of his tees and sweatshirts at random for Alexander to pick from. The real problem is what to give him for pants. Every pair that Lin owns will be far too long on him. He considers a pair of basketball shorts, but after holding them up decides that they would fall right off Alexander’s too thin frame, since they don’t have a drawstring like the pajama bottoms do. Finally, Lin settles on some cargo shorts that can at least be held up with a belt.

What about shoes? There is no way Lin is going to let Alexander continue to go around in a pair of flip flops in the f-ing dead of winter. Yet just from eyeballing the kids’ feet, Lin can already tell that any of his shoes would be too large to the point of looking like clown shoes. Vanessa’s shoes might work though. He finds a still unpacked box in their bedroom labeled “V’s shoes” and rummages through it until he finds a few pairs of darkly-colored sneakers and loafers that aren’t overtly feminine. It’s still not great.

When Lin emerges back into the living room with his armload of clothes, he is greeted by the sight of Alexander kneeling next to Tobi as she lays sprawled in the middle of the floor, worn out from their vigorous walk. Once again, he isn’t touching her, even though he badly looks like he wants to.

 _“Seriously bud, you can pet her at any time. You don’t need permission from us to do so_.”

Alexander jumps again and looks at him with the deer in the headlight expression of someone who expects to be punished for just getting near their dog. Lin needs to remember not to sneak up on him. Maybe start walking with overly heavy footsteps so Alexander hears him approach?

“ _You can pet her_ ,” he repeats. “ _Consider this a blanket permission to do so at any time now or in the future. You are also free to touch any of our stuff. Nothing is off limits, okay?”_

The teen doesn’t respond, just stares at him with the same scared expression. In his head, he’s probably thinking this is a trick.

“ _I have some clothes options for you_ ,” Lin sets his armload down on the coffee table so he doesn’t have to scare him further by getting closer to hand it to him. “ _None of it is great, so if nothing works just let me know and I’ll keep hunting through the boxes to find something else. How about you take those into the bathroom and see if anything fits_?”

Alexander takes the handful without a word and slowly makes his way to the hallway, giving Lin a wide berth as he passes by him.

As expected, when he finally emerges Alexander looks quite odd in an ensemble of an oversize hoodie, khaki cargo shorts that nearly fall to his ankles, and black women’s sneakers. The shoes are passable as gender neutral; it’s just that Alexander is bound to be self-conscious knowing that they are lady shoes, as it’s obvious upon close examination. Lin hates that this is the best he could come up with for the kid. He deserves better. Maybe later today Lin can go to the store himself and try guessing Alexander’s size?

When Vanessa comes out, after getting Sebastian fed and back to sleep, she smiles at Alexander and nods in approval at the selected outfit, but Lin can see it in her eyes that she’s thinking the same thing as Lin. The clothes are serviceable, yet still not good.  From this outfit, it would be obvious to any passing stranger that Alexander is a charity case.

 _“Is there anything in particular you like for breakfast?”_ asks Lin. _“I should warn you that our kitchen is not well stocked yet. Currently the only options are cereal or toast, but we can go to the bodega down the street and pick something else up if you prefer.”_

Alexander says nothing in response. Again. He just stares at the floor and resumes his chewing of his now scabbed over lip. No kid, your own flesh is not one of the breakfast options.

Lin sighs. Any drugs in Alexander’s system would be long worn off by now. That no longer works as an excuse for him not talking. After breakfast, he really should take the time to read the selective mutism info sheet given by the hospital. If this is going to be a thing he needs to know more.

“ _How about this? I’ll lay out the available cereals and bread, and you can just help yourself to whatever you prefer. Does that work for you_?”

Alexander nods. He ends up making himself some toast and proves to be a painfully slow affair. With each step, be it opening the bag of bread or using the toaster, Alexander pauses to wait for either himself or Vanessa to reassure him that he has permission before continuing.  

Despite sitting at the kitchen table with his food for over ten minutes, Alexander has only eaten a few bites of his lightly buttered toast when they hear a knock on the door. The previous night he had only eaten a single handful of popcorn and just a few sips of his hot chocolate. He isn’t getting nearly enough food, made all the more worrisome given his frame. Under any other circumstances with a kid less terrified, Lin would call him out for not eating. It’s just that Alexander seems too fragile to even do that.

“That would be social services,” Vanessa supplies unnecessary as she jumps up to get the door.

If Lin thought Alexander was worlds away a second ago, it’s nothing to how far away he looks now. He appears to have closed himself off completely and locked away every possible entryway as he hunches himself over in his chair and lets his eyes go distant. Lin wishes they could have waited another five minutes before arriving so they could have gotten a handful more calories into the obviously malnourished kid. It’s clear he won’t be eating any more of it now.

When Vanessa opens the door in walks four different strangers, two of whom are obviously police officers. Alexander lets out a slight whimper at the sight as he curls into himself even further, which Lin previously didn’t think was possible. When Lin stands up to greet them, he makes a point to place his body directly between Alexander and those new people, his protective instincts in full swing.

“Good morning!” says the women around Lin’s mom’s age that has the aura of someone in charge. “My name is Elizabeth Rensselaer. We’ve never met, Alexander.  I run the social services department related to foster care for this part of the city. Your previous case manager George Clinton has been put on administrative leave as we investigate him for negligence in monitoring your situation, so I’ll be taking over your case for a while.”

“What about the guy from last night, James Callender?” asks Vanessa.

“Alexander will see more of him. He’s more of our legwork guy, but not yet in charge of cases. Alexander knows how this hierarchy works, right bud?

She doesn’t seem at all phased when Alexander doesn’t respond. This must be considered normal for him.

“Now I hate to do this to you in your own home, but do you think you could step out for a while? Alexander didn’t provide us with much information about what has been happening to him at the ER last night.” Lin is reasonably sure this is code to mean Alexander told them nothing. “So, I brought some police and a child psychologist to continue the interview now that he’s had a good night’s sleep and things are not so fresh and scary.”

“He didn’t though. Alexander was up for most of the night and only got a few hours of sleep in the early morning,” says Lin.

“Oh,” she deflates a little at this news and gives them a slightly accusatory look as though it’s somehow their fault. “Unfortunately, we still need to talk to him today while it’s still fresh. I know you don’t like to talk Alexander, so we’ll do our best to keep the questions yes or no. I even brought a legal pad so you can write out your answers if needed, alright hon?”

Still nothing. He doesn’t even seem willing to nod or shake his head for her.

“I don’t know if you know this,” Vanessa cuts in. “But all of Alexanders stuff is still at his previous home. Mr. Callender didn’t seem to think it was a high priority. Alexander wants his books and rightly so, as they are his. I must insist that he gets them back.” As she says this, Vanessa looks back and forth between the head social worker and the police officers, making a point to make sure all involved hear this. She’s good.

“Alexander told you this?” Ms. Rensselaer asks in a skeptical voice. Shit. Does this kid really have that much of a reputation of not ever speaking?

“Yes. It’s important to him,” Vanessa answers firmly.

“It this true, Alexander?”

The boy nods, his closed off body language opening up slightly at the mention of his books. He isn’t looking at her though. He’s looking at him and Vanessa.

“Could you write the names of the books for me?” Ms. Rensselaer says as she hands Alexander the legal pad.

He takes it and writes out a quick list, his pen moving at an almost superhuman speed as he writes. Alexander hands it back with a list of about a dozen very random titles. Most notably is a sloppy note at the bottom: “I don’t want replacements. I want those books.”

Lin notes that Alexander’s hand is shaking from his own boldness. He shouldn’t have to be scared by that. It’s a perfectly reasonable request. It’s also interesting to see that he wrote all that in English without any trouble and seems to be following their conversation fairly well.

“I know, sweets,” says Ms. Rensselaer gently. “I’m afraid I can’t make any promises, but I will put some people on the case.”

Alexander clams right back up into himself at those words, no longer interested in engaging in this discussion in any way.

“Now really quickly before we begin, I have a big question: are you guys willing and able to take Alexander for one more night? If not, I’m going to have to step out during the interview to make some phone calls.”

 Lin stays silent, purposely yielding the answer to Vanessa. Even though they had already decided on it earlier, after the screw-up he made last night she needs to be the one to make that call. Let them both have ownership of it.

“Yes, of course we will keep him another night. Extending this a couple more days or even a week is totally fine,” Vanessa answers without hesitation. Now it’s Lin’s turn to be a bit blind-sighted. They had talked about it very briefly last night, but hadn’t actually come to any conclusion yet. It had just been pillow talk. He’s okay with it, but it’s still a bit disarming.

“That would be amazing. We could move him to another temporary placement, but given Alexander’s trauma, it would be best to minimize transitions. Ideally his next move would be to a long-term home. We’re still working on finding one. Teenagers can be difficult to place, especially with his level of needs.”

Why is she talking like this in front of Alexander? This just doesn’t sound appropriate. And most definitely not asking them if he could stay another night while he’s standing right there. What if the answer had been no and he had had to hear them reject him? Is this a matter of him not being fluent in English, like how James Callender had talked to him like he was particularly slow, or do they treat all foster kids like this? As if they aren’t there and have no opinions. Speaking of which…

Lin turns his full attention to the teen and addresses him in Spanish to ensure full understanding.

“ _Alexander, they just asked if you could stay with us a few more days. We said yes. However, we really shouldn’t be making these big decisions without consulting you. Is this something you want?”_

He flashes Lin a brief look of surprise, before looking down and nodding his consent. As Alexander does this he bites down on his lip hard. The scab breaks open and blood spills out. With a sigh, Lin crosses the room to grab a tissue to hand to him. If this is going to become a regular occurrence, he might have to start keeping them in his pocket.

Vanessa catches Lin’s eye and shoots him a horrified look, having not witnessed Alexander doing that last night. Lin merely shrugs in response. They’ll talk later. He’s pretty sure the self-harm isn’t intentional—just a highly maladaptive nervous habit. Hopefully the child psychologist standing quietly in the background is taking notes.

“Right then. Now that that important matter is settled we need to get started. So, can you guys step out for a bit? We’ll probably be an hour or so. We’ll call you when you’re done. Is that alright?”

Not really. Lin doesn’t like the idea of leaving Alexander alone to be interrogated about the abuse he suffered. He shouldn’t have to relive it, even if it is legally necessary. Still, it doesn’t seem like he has much of a choice seeing as social services is Alexander’s legal guardian, not them. They are just the temporary hosts who don’t have any real say in the kids’ life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 2 was just going to be one chapter, but was getting way too long so I ended up breaking it into two parts. Now this story is 10 chapters! Shout out to my beta ImLostFovever who told me over a month ago, when I showed her the story outline, that Weds would probably need to be broken into two parts. I just didn’t believe it. Consider this chapter the semi-fluff before the storm. 
> 
> Comments mean the world to me. They are how I measure my success and, more often than not, inspire new ideas.


	4. Wednesday: Day 2, continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit of a day...

** Wednesday: Day 2, continued **

The first stop that Lin and Vanessa (and Sebastian in his baby carrier) make while forcibly out and about is the corner bodega where they pick up a cheap sliding lock they can install on the guest room for Alexander. Next, they head down the street a half a dozen blocks to a small pharmacy to fill the prescription for the painkillers for Alexander’s shoulder. While they browse aimlessly around the store waiting for it to be ready, Lin considers what to do with the rest of their time. It’s too cold to stay outside with such a young baby for long, so they can’t just go wander the streets until they are called back. An obvious choice would be his parents’ place, but just like with his friends he’d rather not tell them about Alexander just yet. He’d rather tell them after the fact in a “hey, funny story: we were foster parents for a few days last week,” kind of way.

He doesn’t even get a chance to fully consider this thought before his phone rings. Lin looks down at it in confusion. It’s only been fifteen minutes and Alexander is not exactly chatty. It’s not possible they finished the interview in such a short time.

“Are you done already?” Lin asks, once he confirms it is indeed Ms. Rensselaer. Vanessa quickly makes her way over and leans her head in towards Lin so she can listen as well. After last night, she probably doesn’t want any more surprises.

“No, um, we have a problem. Alexander has locked himself in your bathroom and won’t come out. I think it’s his way of refusing further questioning. I see there is a keyhole in there to unlock the bathroom from the outside. Could you come back to unlock it for us?”

“On our way now,” Lin says briskly, hanging up the phone and making his way out the store without another word. The image of Alexander hiding from a group of people trying to interrogate him about the unspeakable abuse he suffered is heartbreaking. It is also way too easy to picture.

“We’re not really going to unlock it for them, are we?” asks Vanessa as they walk back home at a fast pace.

“No way, but somehow I feel this unexplainable urge to get back as quickly as possible. I can’t really explain it.”

“I can. We need to protect him. That locked door is Alexander’s safe place. If the police decide to break in, it will be compromised and he’ll have nothing. We can’t let that happen.”

 When they make it back Ms. Rensselaer meets them at the door and leads them down the hall to the bathroom where all the other adults are gathered, all looking agitated by their witness’s non-compliance.

“Oh perfect. Thank you for making it back so quickly. It’s lucky your bathroom can be so easily unlocked from the outside. Do you have the key?”

“Uhhhh…” Lin has never been great with confrontation.

“Nope, those keys never came with the place,” Vanessa lies easily. “And even if we did have it, we wouldn’t unlock it for you. That’s an absurd idea.”

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t see what good it could possibly do. If Alexander is feeling so overwhelmed he felt the need to flee, he is clearly not going to be providing you with any more information. Doesn’t getting a victim to talk involve gaining a certain level of trust? Barging in and dragging him out of his hiding place would only act against you. And while I understand that we aren’t Alexander’s legal guardians and don’t have final say, this is our apartment and we don’t consent to you entering by force. A terrified teenager who did nothing wrong is not probable cause for doing so.”

Lawyered! Nobody has any grounds for argument after his wife’s incredible speech. Lin doesn’t know how he ever got through life without her.

“Okay…well, I guess we can come back tomorrow. Before he bolted, Alexander did answer a few yes or no questions and even wrote an answer down for us, so we made some progress.”

“That was probably the point that proved too much for him,” the psychologist finally speaks for the first time. “Writing that kind of thing down can feel awfully permanent, like there is no possible backtracking. He probably didn’t realize it until after it was written. That’s when he ran.”

“Just so long as he is willing to repeat it tomorrow.”

Lin hates all of them right now. Shouldn’t the boy matter more than the investigation?

“I guess for now we’ll take our leave. Oh, and since you’re keeping him today you should know that Alexander has an appointment with a pediatrician at 2pm today.”

Seeing as it’s now getting into the late morning, that would have been good to know a little earlier.

“What’s the location?” If it’s not walkable, Lin’s going to have to work out something with a taxi or his parents’ car. Skittish Alexander and crowded public transportation does not sound like a good combination right now.

“You don’t need to worry about that. Mr. Callender is going to take him. You need more than just short-term emergency placement status to take him to such things, so our guys will handle it.”

“Okay.” It will actually be nice to have a chance to breathe.

After they leave Alexander stays locked in the bathroom for hours. They have no idea what he is doing or what to do about it. Since the nest of blankets and cushions is still in there, Lin hopes he’s gone back to sleep. Not likely though. It’s more probable he’s just hiding in a corner, doing nothing but silently stressing. Damn it. They are so useless at helping him.

Finally, when they are getting close to his appointment, Lin purposefully winds up Tobi to the point of manic barking with a wrestling match and game of fetch in the hallway right outside the bathroom. It works! Not long into this, those same pair of brown eyes peak out from behind the partially open door.

“Hi buddy,” Lin says nonchalantly, as if there is nothing out of the ordinary about spending half of the morning hiding in a bathroom.

“Hi,” Alexander responds shyly. His eyes quickly move from Lin to the manic dog now attempting to tear her stuffy to shreds. The corner of his mouth twitches in an almost smile.

“ _Tobi loves to play tug-a-war and fetch. Do you want to take over for me? I have to make lunch and she doesn’t take kindly to having her play interrupted.”_

“Por supuesto.”

Once Lin makes his retreat away from the bathroom and to the kitchen, Alexander slips out into the hallway. He gets down on the floor with the dog and makes a halfhearted attempt to take the toy. Thank god for Tobillo. She seems to be the only in they have with Alexander.

As Lin prepares the sandwiches, he can hear the two of them playing in the hall. Or at least he can hear Tobi. While any other child might be giggling, or talking to her, Alexander remains as quiet and stoic as ever.

Lin gets so caught up in is thoughts as he listens to them and contemplates what they are going to _do_ with Alexander, that he totally loses track of time. It is not until Vanessa bursts out of Sebastian’s room declaring that she just got a text from James Callender that he’s on his way up does Lin glance at his phone. Oops. Where did the time go? Getting spacey with that sort of thing is something that usually only happens when he writes. Are ‘dad thoughts’ now going to be included in the same category of things that eat up his day without him realizing it?

“He still hasn’t eaten lunch! Skipping meals is not something this boy can do. At least you got everything prepared already. Do we any sandwich bags we can pack it up in?”

“Are you kidding? We were lucky to have bread. He can just carry it loose. _Alexander, can you come here, sweetie_!”

The teen hesitantly makes his way into the room at the exact same moment that there’s a knock on the door. Alexander’s eyes widen and he takes a small step backwards in fear.

“ _So, here’s the deal, bud. I lost track of time and now there is no time to sit down and eat lunch properly. I’m just going to give you a sandwich that you’re going to eat on the way to the doctor. Sound good?”_

Alexander just stares at him with a complete deer-in-the-headlights expression. There is another knock on the door. They ignore it.

“ _You knew about this right? Ms. Rensselaer explained to you this morning that you had a doctor’s appointment for a more thorough examination?”_

Still looking horrified and near tears, Alexander nods. Thank god. For a second there Lin was worried that he was completely in the dark about the afternoon events and was going to be massively traumatized by having this sprung on him. It was shear dumb luck that Alexander knew, as they hadn’t mentioned it to him and hadn’t bothered to check if he did. This came a little too close to comfort to being a huge parenting fail.

The knocks come a third time, this time sounding angry in their bangs.

“Hello! Is anyone in there?! You literally just texted me in confirmation so I don’t know how-“

Lin opens the door.

“Hello,” he greets cheerfully, amused by the temperamental man’s frazzled expression.

“Oh…hello, I guess. You took your sweet time answering, now didn’t you? Well, come on kid, we’re going to be late.”

Alexander takes another step backwards.

“Now hold on. At least give him a minute to process. We also need to get him a sandwich for the road. He hasn’t eaten anything yet.”

“I’d really rather he didn’t get crumbs all over social services car.”

“He hasn’t _eaten._ The only thing he’s had all day is two bites of toast for breakfast. I’m guessing he didn’t have much of anything for dinner last night either.”

“Fiiine,” the fully-grown man drags out the syllables in exasperation as though he were the teenager. What a ridiculous individual.

Vanessa takes the plate of sandwiches and hold it out for Alexander.

“Take one and eat it in the car. Be sure to actually eat it, okay? We’ll see you soon. You’re coming right back here when you’re done. There is nothing to worry about.”

Lin feels a pang of guilt at the scared looks Alexander keeps flashing their way. If he didn’t know any better, he might deduce from those looks that Alexander didn’t want to leave their presence. That’s highly unlikely though, this early on. It’s more likely just a generalized fear of going somewhere new. They aren’t Alexander’s legal guardians, social services are, so it’s not like this is something they can veto, especially when the need for a complete doctor’s checkup is obvious. It’s too bad they can’t be the ones to take him.

Once Alexander departs, Lin and Vanessa collapse into the sofa. It is only now with Lin finally getting a breather, where he’s not constantly attending to the needs of one of the two boys, does he realize how tired he is. He glances over at V and can tell with one look that she’s feeling the same way. Likely more so, as she’s still in post-partum recovery.

“I know we should probably make some effort to unpack, but with Alexander gone and Sebastian asleep… nap?”

“I think that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard come out of you.”

\----------

Hours later, when Mr. Callender unceremoniously drops him back off at their apartment, Alexander doesn’t look that good. After getting shoved inside the door, he sits himself right down on the couch that his body melts into, in a way that is not in characteristic with the stiff way he usually holds himself. For once he doesn’t appear to be tracking their every movement or even care about their presence. Instead, Alexander just slumps in his seat and looks generally unwell.

“ _Are you okay, kid?”_ asks Lin, taking a step forward to get a closer look at him.

“Yeah,” Alexander whispers. Even with this rare verbal response, he barely seems to notice him. Right now, Alexander’s lack of responsiveness to his presence worries him more than his usual hyper-alertness. Lin’s instincts are telling him that something is wrong.

A doctor’s exam would have involved a lot of touching and invasion of personal space, wouldn’t it? Maybe he’s feeling overwhelmed from it all and his brain is fried? Or maybe this is pure exhaustion? Even with his nap, Lin is still bone tired, and he got more sleep than Alexander did last night.

Lin would just chalk it up to exhaustion and leave it at that, if it weren’t for the fact that his coloring doesn’t look right. Alexander has the same olive skin tone that Lin does, or he did. Right now, he looks disarmingly pale. Pure fatigue wouldn’t cause this. He just got back from the doctor, so they would have caught it if he was sick, wouldn’t they? What about food then? This could be low blood sugar.

“ _Alexander, on your way to the doctor, did you eat that sandwich we gave you?”_

 _“Some,”_ he murmurs, still not looking well.

 _“You ate some of it?”_ Lin repeats, frazzled by the response. What exactly does that mean? A few bites? Half?

 _“Did you have anything to drink with it? Water or anything else?”_ Vanessa chimes in.

Alexander shakes his head. Oh…

“ _Did you have anything to drink today? Fluids of any kind?”_

The boy says nothing. He doesn’t have to. They didn’t give him anything and he wouldn’t exactly help himself, so of course he didn’t.

Horrified, Lin jumps to his feet and makes a beeline for the kitchen where he grabs two water bottles from their nearly empty fridge. Last night at the ER Alexander had been diagnosed with dehydration severe enough to require treatment with IV fluids. Since then, he hasn’t had anything to drink, save for a few sips of hot chocolate. What is wrong with them?

“Here,” Lin hands both bottles to the teen. “I want you to drink all of that first one right away, bud. You’ll feel a lot less lousy afterwards.”

Alexander chugs the first bottle quickly, suggesting extreme thirst. Damn! It alarms Lin that Alexander’s failure to speak is so pervasive that it would interfere with his ability to meet his basic life needs. They’re going to have to watch him carefully. Even newborn Sebastian is better at getting his needs met than this kid. The baby has an alarm system built in via his wails. Alexander’s all guesswork. What do you do with a kid who struggles with the very basics of talking, sleeping, eating and drinking?

After getting rehydrated, Alexander looks better, but still not great. Lin watches him carefully for a few minutes, trying to figure out what this is. After a while of this, Lin zeros in on how stiffly he’s holding his upper body and how he grimaces slightly every time he moves.  

_“Does your shoulder hurt?”_

Alexander holds out his hand and flaps it back and forth, non-verballing communicating “a little”. Yet that small action is enough to make him wince from the movement, suggesting that it’s more than just a little tender. It must hurt quite a bit.

“Can we get you some medication for the pain? Some Advil, or something stronger like…” Lin trails of, realizing mid-sentence that they had committed a huge error. They had left the store in such a rush after the phone call there hadn’t been time for the prescription order to be ready and then they’d just plain forgotten. They could have gone back to get it while Alexander was at the doctor, but instead they took a nap. Between this and not giving him water, they are being full-on neglectful. They are horrible parents.

Lin outright sprints the quarter mile to the pharmacy, praying it’s not already closed and completely hating himself. He’s only been a dad for a week and already he’s failing so badly. This has got to be a new record.   

\------

Even after Lin returns with the medication, that they get Alexander to take with another large helping of water, things still aren’t quite right. Long after the point that the medicine’s effects would have kicked in, Alexander stays in the same position slumped over in the corner of the couch. At several points Vanessa tries to offer him some books in Español to look at or to put on more Netflix, but Alexander does not engage. Not even his customary halfhearted acknowledgement to be polite.

Lin wonders if there might be something wrong with the boy’s eyes based on the way Alexander keeps blinking them rapidly, rubbing at the bridge of his nose and shielding them from the light. From these observations, Lin makes a mental note to mention to the social worker that Alexander might need an eye exam in the near future.

“ _I’m going to start dinner. Is there anything in particular you would like?”_ Lin asks this even though he knows Alexander won’t answer that question.

Just as he expected, the kid shakes his head.

“ _No, you don’t have any meal preference_?” Lin probes.

Again, Alexander shakes his head, this time more vigorously. Is that a repeat of his earlier headshake or is he disagreeing with Lin’s last statement? This communication system is not working well.

“ _Come on kid, you have to talk to me a little. I don’t know what you’re trying to say.”_

“Nauseous,” Alexander whispers into his lap.

“ _Oh… You’re saying you don’t want dinner_?”

A nod.

“ _You barely ate anything at all today, hon. I’d rather you didn’t skip a meal. It could be you’re just feeling queasy from the dehydration or even hunger and don’t realize it.”_

Again, Alexander shakes his head. Now what does that mean? This is so frustrating. Lin tries to play detective again as he scrutinizes him. Alexander certainly looks uncomfortable as he squirms in his seat. At this point, anytime the kid is _not_ holding himself stiffly is significant. Something is probably going on beyond just the shoulder pain and lack of water, since both have now been at least partially dealt with. The last thing Lin wants to do is make Alexander get sick if he forces him to eat, since Alexander probably would if he insisted. And seriously, what is going on with the kid’s eyes? He keeps blinking them in an odd pattern and flinching away from light and sound.

“ _Do you want to go lie down for a while? We can save you a plate for if you’re up for it later. Or if not, you could just consider this an early bedtime. That’s not a bad thing to do if you’re truly not feeling well.”_

Alexander nods. At least that he understood.

_“Okay, just give me a second to find a screwdriver in all these boxes. We got you a lock while we were out today, so I’ll install it on your bedroom door real quick. You’ll feel a lot better sleeping on an actual bed, or in this case mattress, than on the bathroom floor. Just give me five minutes.”_

 Lin had been hoping to make a point of installing it in front of Alexander, so he could see they were truly on his side. However due to a combination of not feeling well and not wanting to be alone in the bedroom with him Alexander does not follow him until the task is done and Lin calls him over. He quickly shows him how the sliding lock works before making a quick retreat for Alexander to step in the room (which is still an unpacked disaster) and close the door behind him. Lin hears the lock snap into place and sees the light switch off from the space under the door, before hearing the flopping sound of the kid collapsing onto the mattress. It truly did sound as though he’d just let his body drop down from a standing position.

They don’t see or hear from him again for the rest of the evening.

\-----

As for the middle of the night? Well, that’s a completely different story. After getting just a few hours of sleep, Lin and Vanessa are woken up by Sebastian’s screams. He’s colicky and just cannot be soothed no matter what they try. No amount of milk, burping, diaper changes or time in the rocking chair will make him happy. After a good hour of this, they finally resort to taking turns, bleary eyed and sleep deprived, walking Sebastian in laps around the apartment. It is only in constant motion that they can get the baby’s full on wails to calm down into quiet whimpers.

Finally, after what feels like an obscene amount of time, they get Sebastian to nod off to sleep and be out deeply enough that he doesn’t wake up when they place him down in the crib (there had been a couple failed attempts). They walk like zombies down the hall to the master bedroom, feet and backs sore from all the walking and too exhausted to really be paying attention to their surroundings.

It is because of this that they probably missed any of the initial warning sounds coming from the guest bedroom that would have alerted them that something was wrong. It is not until they are back in their room and seconds away from dropping back into bed that they hear the ear-piercing scream reverberating throughout the apartment. It’s not Sebastian.

Now wide awake, but not quite thinking clearly, they both stumble out into the hallway trying to find the source of the noise. It doesn’t take them long to realize that it is coming from the guest room. Alexander is the one screaming bloody murder.

It doesn’t stay a solo act for long. Before Lin even has a chance to process what is happening, a second set of screams joins in from further down the hall, with a highly cranky Sebastian having been awaken by the noise. Within seconds, both set of screams feed off each other, with each of the boys sounding more and more set off by the other’s racket. Holy hell.

 As they both at least know the source of Sebastian’s cries and that he is at least safe, they let him be for now and focus their attention on the new set of screams, as they know neither when it comes to Alexander. In a blind panic, Lin tries opening the door. It doesn’t budge.

“Alexander!” he yells, banging on the door. Hopefully this is just a nightmare and if they can just wake him up it will stop. “ _What’s going on, mijo?! Are you okay_?!”

Nothing. He just keeps screaming.

“ _Alexander, what’s wrong?!”_ Vanessa chimes in, also knocking vigorously on the door to try to wake him up. “ _You’re scaring us! Please, we need you to answer_!”

There is a pause in the screams with a sharp gasp and what can only be whimper of pain. Alexander must have jostled his broken shoulder as he flails around in the nightmare. This is not okay. It can’t continue.

His screaming starts up again, now harmonizing with Sebastian’s. In his panic, Lin bangs frantically on the door, cursing himself for getting that stupid lock.

“Alexander! Alexander! Come on kid, open the door so we can help!”

“No!!! No!!!” Alexander yells back, apparently awake now? “No quiero esto! Please don’t!”

“ _Come on sweetheart, we’re not going to hurt you,”_ Vanessa calls gently to him, softening her tone now that he’s responding. “ _We just want to make sure you’re okay. Would you please unlock the door?”_

“Siempre me duele!” Alexander wails. “You say it will feel good, but it never does.”

Lin feels like the floor has just been pulled out from under him. At those words, he suddenly realizes what Alexander thinks is happening as they try to get into his room. From the horrified look on Vanessa’s face, she’s had the same realization.

Within moments Alexander is wordlessly screaming bloody murder again. This is the worst. With the door closed they have no way of knowing what this even is. Is Alexander awake or asleep? Is this a nightmare? Flashback? Is he hurt? Though very unlikely, for all they know there could even be someone in the room hurting him. The most agonizing part is they are completely helpless to make it better. Anything they try to do to interfere will just make it worse. It already has. All they can do it stand back and watch, or in this case listen, to the horrors that Alexander’s brain unleashes on itself. This is not something that Lin wants to bear witness to. Not even remotely. But he doesn’t have a choice. Neither did Alexander.

This night could not be more disastrous. Sebastian is screaming. Alexander is screaming. Vanessa is crying. Even the fucking dog won’t stop barking from all the chaos. At this moment, Lin just wants to walk out of here and never come back, which in turn makes him feel like utter crap for even thinking that way.

In this situation, Lin’s utterly useless. What the hell made him think he was qualified to handle having a family at all? He can barely keep it together with one child, let alone two. They have no idea what they’re fucking doing here. It’s not fair that they were given this highly traumatized teenager while their lives are already in such disarray, when all his energy should be focused on Sebastian and the upcoming show. Isn’t that enough? It’s not fair to poor Alexander that Lin is feeling resentful of him for waking him up and taking up so much mental energy that they really don’t have room for. It’s not fair that after all he’s been through that Alexander is stuck with their inadequate selves when he should be with a family that isn’t making it up as they go along.

This whole situation sucks.

 


	5. Thursday morning: Day 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everybody else seems to believe in them. Lin isn’t so sure.

** Thursday morning: Day 3    **

Never in Lin’s life has he been so furious to hear his phone alarm go off. So much so that, as he blindly fumbles his hand at the bedside table to find it, he seriously considers smashing it to pieces once it’s located.

“Lin…” Vanessa moans next to him.

“I know. Sorry. I’m trying to turn it off.”

Neither of them had gotten more than an hour of sleep that night. Even after Alexander and Sebastian had screamed themselves back to sleep, they had both been too emotionally shaken up to manage it until hours afterwards.

“Don’t you have rehearsal this morning,” his wife mumbles into her pillow.

Yeah, no way is that happening. Not after the worst night of his life. Slowly, Lin forces himself out of bed to step out into the hall to call Tommy. Every step is a struggle, with his fatigue at such a point that he feels lightheaded and vaguely nauseous. He just wants to climb back in bed and not worry about it. Sleeping through all his responsibilities sounds awfully appealing right now. He can’t though. At the very least he should let his director know that his lead is going to be a no-show.

“Morning Lin!” Tommy greets him cheerfully on the second ring. Lin hates him for his peppiness. 

“Um…this is awkward, especially after yesterday, but I’m not going to be able to make this morning’s rehearsal.”

“Whoa, really? What’s going on man? You’ve never done anything like this before, let alone two days in a row.”

“Sorry,” Lin provides feebly. He doesn’t know what else to say, just knows he’s letting everyone down. Everyone.

“Don’t be. I’m just worried about you. You don’t sound good. Are you sick?”

“No. Just sleep-deprived to the point of being non-functional. I’m so sorry.”

“Well, I don’t see much point in doing the full cast rehearsal without you. Do you just need extra sleep? I could call everyone and reschedule it for later in the day.”

“Hold on. Let me check in with Vanessa.” Lin pops his head back in the master bedroom. “Hey V, how would you feel about me leaving for a few hours in the afternoon for rehearsal. You can say no. I get that being left alone to handle whatever else might be next would be a lot.”

“Mmm… if you’re up for it, sure. It’s not like I can say this is all your doing now, can I?”

“Kay, thanks.” Honestly, Lin had been hoping she would say no, so he could turn Tommy down and not have it be on him. Right now, the very thought of leaving the apartment and having to deal with other people makes him want to cry.

“But if you’re leaving me alone later, can you take the bulk of kid duty as it arises this morning? I mean, if there’s another episode I’ll help, obviously. But since I might have to deal with it on my own later, sleep would really help.”

“Yeah, okay.” Even as Lin says this, in his head he’s screaming. He’s already freaking out about having to deal with Alexander at all today, let alone without Vanessa by his side. Yet saying no to this logical request would make him feel even worse about himself than he already is. Today’s going to be rough and he’s just going to have to deal with it.  

It takes him nearly a minute before remembering that his friend is still on the line and he holds the iPhone back to his ear. “Tommy. Sorry, I forgot you were still on the line for a second. Like I said, sleep-deprived to the point of not functioning. But anyway, I can make it this afternoon, so long as nothing new arises.”

“Lin… I just heard your discussion. That has me worried. Are you guys okay?”

“We’re fine.”

“You don’t sound fine. With you canceling two days in a row combined with what I just overhead, I can’t not be worried about you. Come on, what’s going on?”

 “Just…” Lin pauses, trying to figure out how to phrase this without sharing the truth or scaring his friend further. “It was a hell of a night. You know me, I can pull an all-nighter when needed and still cope, but this was more than that. This was an emotionally damaging all-nighter.”

“Lin, is Sebastian okay?”

“Sebastian is fine. A little colicky and fussy, but otherwise fine.”

“What about Vanessa?”

“She’s fine. And before you ask, so am I, so relax.”

“I can’t after you tell me it was an emotionally damaging night. Is it your parents?”

“No. Look, I’ll tell you later, but right now I’m too tired to talk. Can I please go back to sleep?”

“You’re scaring me Lin.”

“I really am fine. I told you. It’s kid stuff. Going back to sleep now. Talk later.”

Lin hangs up abruptly, and then immediately feels bad about it. That discussion didn’t go well. He failed miserably at his goal of not worrying Tommy further. And now Tommy’s going to be spending his morning calling all the cast members letting them know rehearsal has been postponed and likely causing even more people to be worried about him. Fan-fucking-tastic. 

Just as Lin is about to make his way back to bed to get as much sleep as he can before the next crisis, the door to the guestroom he’s been standing right outside of opens and out pops Alexander.

Lin freezes. He’s not emotionally prepared to handle this, to handle him, this early in the morning. He has no idea what he’s supposed to say to the boy after last night. Does he bring it up to see if he’s okay? Or should he pretend like it didn’t happen? After a night like that, the blind terror of saying or doing the wrong thing and setting him off again is very real.

Lin is also highly embarrassed for Alexander to run into him while he’s still wearing just the boxers and rumpled tank-top that he had slept in. Lin is acutely aware of the way Alexander’s eyes travel nervously down his uncovered areas. Clearly, his days of wandering his apartment wearing whatever are numbered.  Is it weird that part of him is mourning that loss?

Alexander and Lin just stare each other down. It is clear from his expression that Alexander is at least partially aware that something went down last night and is waiting to see what Lin is going to do. Whatever that “episode” (as Vanessa had called it) was, it must have been more than a nightmare he had slept through.

“Hi kiddo,” Lin says at last, his tone weak. He waited too long to say anything. Now things are way more awkward than they would’ve been otherwise.

Alexander’s response is to bite down hard at his mangled bottom lip. Lin swears he’s going to end up needing stitches to patch it back up if Alexander doesn’t stop that habit soon. Either way, it’s probably going to leave  a scar. Besides that, the kid really does look horrible this morning. The bags under his eyes have progressed to the point of looking like bruises, his hair is all askew, and his eyes themselves have the red-rimmed, watery appearance of someone who had spent most of the night crying.

Whatever had made Lin think that this was something that he could handle? He can’t. In just one full day with them, Alexander is now more emotionally damaged than he was when he arrived. And that’s saying a lot.

_“I… I’m sorry if I woke you. You should go back to sleep… Um… what are you doing up so early?”_

“Baño,” Alexander tells the floor. His voice is quite hoarse. It doesn’t surprise Lin though, given how much screaming he had done for _hours_ last night. It’s rather unbelievable that this quiet, timid boy in front of him was capable of producing that much noise.

_“Oh, well then, I’ll leave you to it. Are you going back to bed afterwards?”_

A nod.

“ _Good. We could all do with sleeping in a few more hours after… well…”_ Lin trails off awkwardly, leaving the implications thick in the air.

“ _I’m going to get you some water first. Don’t want you getting dehydrated again. And maybe another pain pill for your shoulder. How is that feeling?”_ Alexander probably jostled it enough last night that Lin wouldn’t be surprised if it’s feeling worse today. Even if that isn’t the case, there is no way Lin is letting himself repeat the mistakes he made yesterday

Alexander just shrugs his left shoulder in answer, effectively communicating nothing. 

“ _How are you feeling this morning? You seemed pretty unwell yesterday afternoon. I’ve been worried you might be coming down with some bug_ ,” Lin probes further.

“M’fine.”

“ _Well, that’s something… Um, I’ll leave you be. I hope you sleep okay.”_

Gah, even the mere act of wishing him a restful sleep comes across as uncomfortable, as it comes with the implications that he might not. Is there anything he can discuss with Alexander that’s safe?

When Lin enters the guestroom to drop off the glass of water and pill, he is greeted by quite a sight. All the sheets had been ripped off the mattress at some point during the night (intentionally or during the violent thrashing around?) and the mattress moved several yards from its original position. Several of the piles of boxes have also been knocked over. It looks a bit like a tornado came through the room last night. That wasn’t it though; it was all Alexander.

Not knowing what else to do, Lin makes a quick retreat from the room and into his own before Alexander returns from the bathroom. It’s absolutely a cowardly move. Lin just can’t bring himself to face him again. Not yet.

\----

Despite his anxiety about Alexander, Lin falls right back to sleep after returning to bed. Normally, he wouldn’t be able to do that with this much on his brain, but right now all of Lin’s last reserves of energy have been stripped away. Prior to last night he had already been running on fumes from the back-to-back onslaught of moving to a new apartment, Hamilton starting rehearsals, his son being born and randomly getting a foster kid all happening within a week of each other. Now even the fumes are gone and he can feel the fatigue in his very soul. 

Yet any real effort to recharge his non-existent supply of mental energy comes to naught. Just one hour after crashing back in bed Lin is awoken by the doorbell ringing and a pounding knock coming from the front door of their apartment. Ugh!

A quick glance at his phone reveals that he had slept right through the text from Ms. Rensselaer letting him know that they were coming this morning to finish their interview/interrogation with Alexander.

“You can do this,” he whispers to himself in encouragement. “Get up. You’re fine. This is _fine_. Now move.”

Moaning like a teenager at his own orders, Lin quickly pulls on a pair of jeans and a hoodie from the floor over his boxers and wrangles his hair into a messy bun at the top of his head without looking in a mirror. It’s fine.

By the time he’s halfway presentable for company, the doorbell has rung several more times and the bangs have gotten louder. This is starting to become a regular occurrence. If Lin had fully realized that being a foster parent would mean such regular invasions of privacy (and he should have!), he might have reconsidered applying last year.

When Sebastian starts wailing from his room just as Lin opens the door, he barely bats an eye. Everything hitting at once just seems to be the way things are going lately. Apparently this is the new normal.

Awesome.

“I need to get my son,” Lin tells them in greeting, before turning back around the way he came. He’s too tired for manners.

When Lin passes by their room, Vanessa is already halfway out of bed, ready to get Seb, when Lin waves her away.

“I’ve got him. I told you I’d handle things this morning. Go back to sleep. I can deal with this.”

“You’re sure?”

“Totally, I’ve got this.” Though in reality, he’s only, like, 30% sure that he can do this.

Thankfully, Sebastian’s intense fussiness appears to have melted away with the night, and the baby is soothed as soon as Lin scoops him into his arms. If only everything else were that easy. Lin takes a minute to center himself, just looking at this beautiful thing he created and breathing in his sweet baby scent. He can do this. He only gets a minute of this reprieve though, and soon has to come back out with his son in his arms to help him face the day and these people.

 Alexander is in the living room when he returns, standing rooted to the spot and sporting an shell-shocked expression that Lin can relate to. He must have ventured out to see what all the noise was about and came to seriously regret it. Poor boy. What a way to start the morning.

“Buenos dias, Alexander,” Lin says softly as he enters the room, giving the kid an apologetic look. Alexander makes brief eye contact with him and, to his utter amazement, takes several steps towards Lin, so that Lin’s body is positioned between Alexander and everyone else. Lin tries not to read too much into it, as it likely says more about his dislike of the guests than his relationship with Lin. Alexander likely would have hid behind any random person who wasn’t there to interrogate him. It doesn’t mean anything at all.

“I take it you guys just woke up?” Ms. Rensselaer smirks, taking in both of their rumpled and bleary-eyed appearances. Poor Alexander is still in his/Lin’s oversized pajamas and sporting hair that’s a tangled mess, sticking out every which way.  Lin is sure that Alexander is going to think twice now before coming out of his room to investigate a noise.

“We slept in a bit.”

“Well, you know why we’re here,” speaks up one of the police officers, wasting no time with further pleasantries. “We need Alexander to finish his testimony on his time with the Atkinsons. This would also be a good time to take some updated photos of his bruises as evidence. I can see that some have developed and emerged since Tuesday night.”

Lin glances at Alexander’s arms and sees that, with the bruises not covered by the sweatshirt like they were all day yesterday, many of the already horrifying marks have become more prominent and multicolored. Though it’s also quite likely that some of them could have happened last night as he thrashed around…

“Would it be acceptable if he took off his shirt for maximum impact?” The question is addressed to Ms. Rensselaer, not Alexander, who is the one who should be giving consent.

“Does he have to?” Lin buts in, noting the way Alexander’s breath had hitched violently at the suggestion.

“I have to agree with Mr. Miranda here,” adds the therapist. “If Alexander doesn’t want to, we shouldn’t make him. Are you okay with removing your shirt for forensic photos Alex?”

He violently shakes his head and takes another small step towards Lin.

“We should be okay just sticking to his arms and head. Maybe we could get him to pull back his sleeve a bit to look at his shoulder? Is that agreeable?”

Lin quickly translates this plan into Spanish, just to be sure that Alexander is fully aware of what’s going on. Once finished, Alexander makes brief eye contact with Lin again and gives a tiny nod in confirmation. He’s probably resigned himself to knowing that such a deal is as good as he’s going to get.

“Are you okay stepping out again?” Ms. Rensselaer asks.

“No, actually. Like I said, we just woke up and my newborn son needs tending to. I’m going to stick around this time.” Also, Lin doesn’t want to leave Alexander alone with them again. Even with Vanessa in the next room, it hardly counts if she’s asleep.

They sigh dramatically at Lin’s lack of agreeableness, but agree to it so long as Lin’s in a different room during the actual interview for ‘privacy reasons’. Lin agrees to be in Sebastian’s room, while they chat with Alexander in the living room.

When they move to begin the photos, Lin had fully been intending on leaving them to it. Yet the way the police position themselves in the room gives him pause. While one of them leads Alexander to the corner to photograph his arms, the other positions himself so that he’s blocking the door to the hallway. The intention is obvious—it’s to stop Alexander from fleeing to the bathroom again if he gets overwhelmed like he did yesterday. Don’t they realize how fucking terrifying it must be for Alexander to be trapped in like that? Lin hates confrontation, but he has to speak up on this one.

“What you’re doing right there isn’t okay. You’re scaring him.”

“What?”

“You standing guard at the door to prevent him from running again if it gets too much. It’s not okay. Alexander is the victim here. You can’t block him off and corner him in like this. Beyond being a nasty thing to do, it’s counterproductive since he’ll be even less likely to talk if he’s terrified. Stand somewhere else.”

The man gives Lin a disgruntled look at being ordered around, but at least he moves. That’s all that really matters.

Lin is going as far as to congratulate himself for finally doing something right by the boy when the other cop taking Alexander’s pictures calls him and the social worker over, sounding somewhat panicked.

“Have you seen his shoulder this morning? It’s not looking good.”

It isn’t. Not at all. The developed bruises around the site that are visible are expected. The extent of the swelling on and around his shoulder is not. Lin feels his stomach drop at the sight of it. The way he was flailing around last night…

“Yikes, that does not look typical for this many days after a fracture. Has it been kept immobilized?” asks Ms. Rensselaer.

“During the day it has…” Lin says weakly.

“Huh, how odd. I’ll see if I can call his doctor later today for advice. I would guess it would be just ice and ibuprofen to bring down the swelling.”

Shit. Shit. Shit. How could they have allowed this to happen?

“Can I talk to you in the next room?” Lin whispers to the social worker urgently.

On his way out the door, Lin hisses at the cop “Don’t block the door and under no circumstances are you to touch him if he tries to flee.” The look the man gives him in response is one of pure loathing, but Lin is too tired and worried to bring himself to care.

“What’s going on?”

“He needs to go back to the doctor for an x-ray. The shoulder, last night he… he…” Lin bursts out in a panic, but isn’t sure how to finish that sentence when he doesn’t even know what last night was.

“Okay, calm down. This isn’t a big deal. Are you saying something happened? That’s fine. I can make another appointment. This isn’t the end of the world. Teenage boys can be impossible with these types of things.”

“It’s not that. He wasn’t being rowdy. It’s… oh god…”

“I know that look. Things haven’t been going well, have they?”

“Alexander kept us awake for half the night screaming from some nightmare or flashback. That’s how he hurt himself. It was horrendous.”

“Ouch.” She smiles sympathetically at him, but still has somewhat of an indulgent look in her eyes.

“Look, I know my wife said that we are fine doing a week, but to be honest, the faster you can find a permanent home with experienced foster parents, the better. I’m not saying it’s not still fine to go that long, but I would feel a lot better knowing this had an expiration date.”

“That bad, huh?” Still, she’s smiling at him. It’s rather infuriating. 

“Very much so. Plus, he was feeling sick yesterday, but we didn’t know what the problem was since he can’t communicate anything. He’s barely eating, seems to be in constant fear of me and in two days he has only spoken eighteen words to us.”

Lin’s not including all the things Alexander shouted last night in his running word count. Those weren’t words spoken to them in conversation; they were something entirely different and Lin has no desire to catalog those words. The sooner he can forget, the better.

“He’s talking to you?” Finally, something he shared takes her by surprise.

“I just said he isn’t.”

“No, you said Alex’s spoke eighteen words to you. In two days that’s more than we’ve gotten out of him in months.”

“Oh.” Lin doesn’t know what to say to that.

“Yeah. Eighteen words is a big deal. A very big deal. It’s rather miraculous. You must be better at this than you’re giving yourself credit for.”

“Wait... you’re seriously saying that for months Alexander hasn’t spoken more than a handful of words?

“Less than that. It’s been more in the ‘not at all’ range, if the reports on him are correct. In August of this year Alexander just stopped talking. Prior to that he hadn’t even been on our radar. He was just another teen with fairly typical issues for an early adolescent boy in foster care. Our social workers, his assigned therapist and his previous school all think he has selective mutism. Of course, those diagnoses all came while he was living with _that_ family and now that we know what we know… Even so, him talking to you at all is huge.”

“We speak to him in Spanish. That’s mostly what he speaks back.”

Meaning they aren’t doing anything miraculous with Alexander or that they have some special connection. They’re just speaking the correct language.

“Good to know. There isn’t any information on his file on what his native language is.”

“How could you not know?”

“He doesn’t _talk_ enough for us to know what it is Mr. Miranda. Even if what you are suggesting is true, and that a lot of his communication issues stem from him struggling with the language, that still doesn’t explain why he just stopped talking altogether. Regardless of his linguistic background, that’s not normal behavior.”

“He wasn’t exactly in normal circumstances though, now was he?”

“No, you’re right. And the thoughtfulness and compassion you are showing Alexander tells me that you are in fact exactly the right person to be helping him right now.”

“I’m not though. I haven’t done anything to help him. All I do is make things worse.”

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

\----------------

Even after intruders leave the apartment, Alexander remains rigid in his spot on the couch where he had been questioned. He doesn’t look ill like he did yesterday; he just appears too shell-shocked by it all to move. Having not been present, Lin isn’t sure how much Alexander had shared with them today via yes/no question and writing, but all involved had seemed reasonably satisfied when they’d left. Hopefully they won’t be coming back anytime soon.

Lin tries his best to give Alexander space, and just goes about his morning routine as though there isn’t a forlorn teenager brooding in the corner. Acting as though everything were normal has worked for him before, and Lin certainly doesn’t know what alternative approach to try.  

All he can really do to help Alexander right now is to attend to practical matters. That’s a safe route, as it doesn’t require any emotional skill. The problem of Alexander’s clothes is an easy one to start with. Providing him with something reasonable to wear is such a basic need that they should have been able to meet it from the beginning. Yet, the same barriers that existed yesterday are still here today. The need for a better solution is just more acute, seeing as Alexander is going to be with them for a few more days. Putting an undersized teenager in a grown-man’s clothes is no longer passable. To solve this problem, Lin is going to have to ask for help. 

He does the one thing he swore he didn’t want to —he calls his parents.

His mother Luz is a clothes hoarder to the extreme. So much so that she kept most of his and his sister’s childhood clothes for nostalgia purposes. After the initial phone conversation about Alexander (that mainly involved a lot of: “You did _what?!”),_ Lin gets his mom to focus enough to ask if she still had Lin’s old clothes from when he was a teenager. Sure enough, there are boxes packed away in their basement. He asks her to bring over the stuff from his middle school days, given how small Alexander is. She promises to be over with them within the hour. 

After they hang up, Lin is pleased with himself. Accomplishing something for the positive is enough to make him feel as though he might be able to handle things after all. It’s enough to get his confidence level all the way up to a rousing 60%, but a quick glance over at the miserable and pathologically silent boy curled up on his couch brings it right back down again. Who is he kidding? The social worker’s suggestion that he is somehow just the right person to be helping Alexander is absurd.

 At some point, Vanessa emerges from her blissful extra hours of sleep. After greeting Lin good morning with a quick kiss and giving Alexander a once-over visual inspection, she gets the look on her face he knows too well from when she’s on a mission. Vanessa disappears into the kitchen and soon returns with a plate of buttered toast, which she places in Alexander’s lap.

“Eat!” she tells him firmly.

Alexander looks dumbfounded by this, his eyes darting rapidly back and forth between Vanessa, the plate and the couch he’s currently sitting on.

_“Yeah, I don’t care where you eat it. The couch, the table, the bathroom, wherever. But I must insist that you at least eat half a slice of toast. You are far too skinny to be skipping meals, sweetheart. You can’t keep doing it.”_

This is a new approach. So far, Lin has been treating Alexander with kid gloves, in a ‘if I tell him off in any way he’ll break’ sort of way. It certainly has the desired effect though, with Alexander taking a few hesitant bites. He gives Vanessa a wide-eyed questioning look, as if seeking approval.

“Bueno, cariño. _Now a few more_.”

When Alexander lets out a slight whimper in protest, Vanessa’s eyes soften.

“ _I know, your stomach probably isn’t too happy with you after going so long without eating much. That’s why I’m only asking for half and with something as mild as toast. Your system should be able to handle that without getting too queasy.”_

Lin loves the way Vanessa handled that—letting him know she’s on his side and understood his limitations, while also making it clear what was expected. How is she so good at this?

Slowly but surely, Alexander is able to nibble his way through the rest of the requested amount, before setting the rest down on the coffee table. He looks back up at Vanessa to confirm if this is okay. Alexander does look a little green around the gills once he swallows the last bite, but for the time being it appears to stay down.

“Estoy orgulloso de ti.” Vanessa beams at him. Alexander gives the slightest shy smile in return.

Right, Lin needs to step up his game a little. If Vanessa was able to achieve a milestone that monumental, surely he can do something too? No matter how small, he has to try.

Alexander is in desperate need of some distraction. More Netflix might work, but Lin would prefer it not be something he can just space out to.

_“Do you like video games, Alexander?”_

He does his trademark one shoulder shrug, but that’s pretty much the only response Lin was expecting. It’s better than option B, which would be a blank stare. He’ll take what he can get.

_“Well, when I’m stressed out and want to turn my brain off for a while, they are my go- to. Vanessa and I bonded over Grand Theft Auto. Want to give it a whirl?”_

“Lin!” Vanessa cuts in sharply.

“What?”

“That is not for kids!”

“Alexander isn’t a kid, he’s fourteen.”

“Oh really. And what do you think social services would say to such exposure?”

“Fine, fine. Teen or less it is.”

“He’s barely a teen. Stick to rated E.”

Alexander gives Vanessa a brief look of mild annoyance that makes Lin’s heart soar. Not only is he showing signs of life, he must understand more English than they have been giving him credit for.

“Ugh! Okay, fine. _How do you feel about Mario Carts, kid?”_

This time Alexander goes for option B: the blank stare. He’s going to take some convincing that this bizarro thing that Lin is going on about is actually fun. Does Alexander even know what fun means anymore?

“Come on over here. Let’s try it!”

Without touching Lin ushers him over towards the tv and sets up the Wii. Lin hands him a remote with an attached joystick so he can hold a part in each hand and not have it be awkward to hold with one arm in a sling. Alexander picks it up awkwardly and it quickly becomes clear that he has no idea what to do with it. Before they even turn the game on Lin has to demonstrate how to hold it and what to do with all the buttons and knobs. Alexander truly does not know what any of this is. 

That being said, he picks up on how the game is played very quickly. Alexander gets good at the game after just a few rounds and is quickly giving Lin a run for his money. The question of whether or not to go easy on him doesn’t even become a factor. The kid is rather intense.

After a while of this, Vanessa disappears to go feed Sebastian in his room. She then adorably falls back asleep in the rocker with their son still in her arms. When Lin pauses the game to go check on her, he ends up having to gingerly take the sleeping infant from her to transfer him to his crib. Lin is more than happy to let her sleep some more. He did say he would handle things this morning. For the time being, they do seem to be doing okay.

With Vanessa temporarily out of commission, Lin stealthily switches them to a more violent fighting game, just to see how the kid will do. Alexander excels at it. Lin almost feels a touch of pride at this discovery.  Throughout all of it, Alexander doesn’t speak a word and barely even acknowledges Lin from his spot on the other side of the room, but my gosh is he good at this.

They get so into it that Lin loses track of time, up until they hear yet another knock on the door. Alexander drops the controller and sprints out of there as soon as he hears it. At this point he’s probably convinced it’s more cops. He must be so done with that.

As expected, it’s his Mom, carrying a cardboard box overflowing with his old 90’s wear. Lin takes the heavy load from her as he lets her in. She looks around expectantly.

“Well, where’s my new grandson?”

“Don’t say that. I told you it’s just for a few days.”

“If you say so honey,” She gives him a knowing look. “Where is he?”

“Based on the way he ran out of here seconds ago, I’d say he locked himself in the bathroom again. It’s, uh, kind of a thing.”

“When he’s scared?”

“Yeah.”

She shrugs. “If that’s what he needs to feel safe, I wouldn’t push it.”

“We got him a lock for the guestroom. I think he just prefers the small space of the bathroom.”

His Mom raises an eyebrow at him. “I thought you said it was just for a few days?”

“Even so. Buying a five-dollar door bolt is hardly making a commitment.”

“If you say so,” she repeats.

“Can you give me a minute? I just want to go check on him.”

“Of course. Would it be better if I hung back?”

“Probably, yeah.”

Whether it’s a good idea to even check on him is a bit of a gamble, seeing how he reacted last night. Lin just knows he would feel worse about himself if he didn’t at least try.

 _“Alexander, it’s not police or social workers.”_ He calls softly through the bathroom door. _“It’s just my mom. She brought you clothes. It’s okay to come out.”_

No response.

_“Are you okay? You don’t have to come out if you don’t want to. I just need a yes or no answer and I’ll leave you alone.”_

“Estoy bien.” Alexander’s reply is so soft, Lin almost missed it.

_“Glad to hear it. Are you going to come out?”_

A long pause and then a shrill “No.”

 _“Okay, that’s fine. You can stay in there as long as you need to.”_ He feels like an idiot and is incredibly self-conscious talking through the bathroom door with his mom in the next room. On the plus side, now his word count is up to 21.

“You’re good with him,” his Mom comments when he makes his way back to the living room. It’s very nice of her to say, but she could not be more wrong.

“Really? It doesn’t feel like it. I’m feeling a bit like a human disaster at this whole parenting thing, to be honest.”

 “You seem like you’re doing an okay job to me. All are alive and accounted for aren’t they?”

“You should have seen us last night. It wasn’t pretty.”

“You have a newborn. Nights are going to be rough for a while. This too shall pass.”

Not really. This level of trauma is not something that will just pass. Even in the best-case scenario, Alexander will likely carry this with him for the rest of his life.

Lin can’t bring himself to tell her the real reason last night was so dreadful. Somehow, what he and Vanessa witnessed last night seems like a private thing that needs to stay between the three of them.

“Do you think there’s any chance he’s going to come out so I can meet him?”

“No, none at all.” He’s barely known the kid a few days, but this he already knows for certain.

“Do you at least have a photo I can see?”

Lin pulls out his phone. Yesterday he had snapped a photo of Alexander crouched on the floor petting Tobi. Alexander hadn’t realized the photo was taking place and has just a hint of a smile on his face as he looks down at Tobi. Already the pup seems to be his favorite family member.

“My god Lin, he looks just like you at that age. Much smaller and lacking your exuberance, but even so. It’s like looking through a time machine. How did that happen? It’s like it’s meant to be.”

“Mom!”

“I know, I know. Just a few days. In all seriousness though, you need to be careful. I don’t want you getting your heart broken. The longer you keep him the harder it’s going to be to let him go. What’s his situation? Are there parents still around they are hoping to reunite him with? Is he legally free?”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Legally free to be adopted. That’s a big deal in foster care. For most kids the long-term goal is to return them to their families once it’s safe, and that’s the number one priority, even above foster families they have known and loved for years. I’m telling you this because if he’s not free and you become his long-term placement Alexander could be taken away from you at a moment’s notice even years down the line.”

“That’s not an issue, because he won’t be here for more than a week.”

“But is he?”

“I don’t know. We haven’t even gotten his file yet.”

“You need to get it and find out. At the very least aren’t you curious?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My original plan had been to do one chapter per day. But once again, it got too long and had to be broken up. At this point consider the number of chapters total to be fluid. 
> 
> Please leave a comment. See you next Thursday!


	6. Thursday afternoon: Day 3 continued

 

** Thursday afternoon: Day three continued  **

The rest of Lin’s morning on sole kid-duty goes reasonably well. Not long after his mom leaves, Alexander emerges from the bathroom without any excess prompting or intervention. After all they’d been through in just a few days with the kid, Lin knows enough to count this as a win.

Lin brings the box of clothes over to Alexander and, after explaining it to him, allows him to sort through it himself. Alexander ends up choosing one of Lin’s old acrylic striped ski sweaters that were big at the time, and pair of intentionally baggy jeans. Part of Lin winces at the outdated early 90s style, but at this point he’s just happy to see Alexander in clothes that fit. It’s all baggy and hangs off him, but that was the style then. Intentional looseness appropriate to his body size is miles better than all his previous outfits.

With Alexander now wearing his clothes from when he was twelve, Lin now has a better idea of what his mom meant about how similar looking they are. Add in an awkward bowl haircut parted down the middle, and Alexander would bare a striking resemblance to the photographs he has of himself from that time. Lin briefly considers snapping another photo of Alexander in stealth and sending it to his mom, but quickly thinks better of it. Why add flame to the fire?

In one more success of the day, Lin gets Alexander to eat a tiny amount of fruit and yogurt for lunch. Lin is pleased, even with the knowledge that Alexander is barely taking in enough calories to sustain himself, let alone put on some desperately needed weight. He’s just going to have to be okay with small victories. Right now, that means Alexander eating just barely enough that he isn’t at risk of fainting.

Lin’s just so tired. Too tired to properly celebrate his successes, or even be fully aware of them. Spending the morning juggling the needs of two highly needy boys does nothing to restore his non-existent reserve of stamina. Far from it. Even with Alexander going out of his way to be invisible, he requires so much mental energy on a minute by minute basis.  Meanwhile, the needs of a helpless newborn are so all-encompassing.

By the time Lin needs to wake up Vanessa and get on the subway to get to rehearsal, he is well aware that his time alone with Alexander went just about as well as he could have hoped for. It just doesn’t make any difference. His fatigue is at such a point that Lin can barely think or walk straight and now he has to go rehearse a song and dance number? This isn’t going to be pretty.

While riding the subway, he gets a call from Vanessa.

“Hi honey, is everything okay?” Apparently, that’s how they greet each other now.

“Yeah, I just wanted to update you on Alexander’s shoulder.”

“Did social services get him an appointment to get it looked at?”

“Yeah, I just got the call. They actually want me to take him to it.”

“Wait, seriously?”

“Yeah, no one is available. His social worker Ms. Rensselaer just faxed over some information to the practice giving me temporarily permission to serve as medical proxy. It should be fine. I’m more than happy to do this for Alexander.”

Lin feels a pang of annoyance at this. If it was so easy to do that, why didn’t she just do so yesterday? It would have been helpful to have gotten to talk with Alexander’s doctor yesterday. Doing so would have given them a better idea of what was going on with him and might have eliminated some of the guesswork from that afternoon. Mr. Callender certainly hadn’t shared any information from his visit with them. Could it be that the change is because they trust them more as foster parents today than they did yesterday, or is this just a bureaucracy issue of who is available?

“Well then, I guess I should get off at the next stop and come back the other way? I should come with you, right?”

Calling Tommy to cancel again is going to be so awkward.

“Oh, heavens no, don’t do that. This is so important to you Lin and I already made you cancel yesterday. The three of us can handle this on our own. It’s just an x-ray.”

Lin finds that he’s a little disappointed by this response. Lin doesn’t love the idea of going to a dance rehearsal in his current state.

“Are you sure? Going out in public alone with Alexander sounds risky. What if something happens?”

What if Alexander has another repeat of last night? If they don’t know what set him off, how can they know it won’t happen again at any moment?

“We’ll be fine. The place isn’t far from here. It’s the same medical practice we found for Sebastian. It’s close enough that we could even walk to it. But I’ll get us an Uber right to the front door to avoid crowds, and the pediatrician office is filled with trained professionals. If anything happens we’ll be fine.”

Lin sighs. Vanessa is making a lot of sense. It doesn’t change the fact that the idea of her taking Alexander on her own fills him with crippling guilt.

“I can still turn around,” he says softly.

“No seriously Lin, we’re good. Go enjoy rehearsal. Spend time with your friends. Get your creative juices flowing. You’ll feel better for it.”

 Because Vanessa is alone with Alexander, in public no less, Lin purposefully leaves his cell phone on and puts it at high volume when he gets to rehearsals. He’s breaking his own rules he’s always strictly held for his cast and crew, but can’t find himself to care.

When he enters the studio, everyone seems to be greeting him a little too cheerfully. He’s sure that the rumor mill had spread that they are starting late because of him. It’s also noteworthy that for the first time ever, Lin is the last person to arrive to a work function. At least, Lin hopes his tardiness is the reason for all the startled looks he keeps seeing people give him out of the corner of his eye. Lin hopes his appearance doesn’t have anything to do with it. Knowing that he wouldn’t like the sight, Lin hasn’t bothered to look himself in the mirror all day. Based upon the way he’s feeling, it’s very possible he looks like death warmed over and he’s scaring people.  

“Lin!” Tommy half shouts when he spots him from the other side of the room and hurries over to greets him with an enthusiastic pat on the back. “How are you? Did you manage to catch up more on sleep? Well rested?”

No, in fact. Since rescheduling, Lin had only gotten one additional hour of sleep. Tommy doesn’t need to know that though. He doesn’t want to worry his friends more than he already has.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“Are you sure?” Tommy places a hand on his shoulder and gives him a probing look. “You’re still looking a little…”

“I’m fine. Let’s get started.”

Ding! The iPhone in his pocket chimes loudly with a text. Tommy raises his eyebrows at him. Lin always turns his phone on silent as soon as he enters a rehearsal room. None of his current work ethic behavior is normal.

“Um....actually, can I read and respond to this text first? I’ll only be a minute.”

“Whatever you need, man.” The pity in his friend’s eyes as he looks at him is somewhat devastating. It’s also low on his list of priorities as Lin ducks into a corner to check his phone. Sure enough, it’s from Vanessa.

V- _The doctor just looked at Alexander’s lips. Says stitches would help, but doesn’t see point of doing it if he keeps chewing at it._

 “Well, shit.” Lin texts her exactly what he’s thinking.

 V- _No kidding. As doc lectured Alexander about it, he got anxious enough to start chewing on it again. Doctor then yelled at him, which made him cry. Not going to lie…this is not going well._

Lin tries his best to breathe and not go into a full guilt-ridden anxiety attack. He is fully aware that everyone is stealthily watching him as he attempts to hide in the corner.

 _Do you need help?_ he texts back.

V- _Nothing you can do. We’re just waiting for him to calm down enough to get an X-ray. I’m at one side of the exam room and he’s curled up in the other. Kid’s an expert at breaking my heart…_

And at making Lin feel overwhelming guilt about everything.

_I’m so sorry! Sure you don’t want me to come?!_

V- _Nah. I can already tell he’s making headway at pulling himself together. We’re okay. Have a good rehearsal._

Rehearsal. Right. For a second there Lin had plain forgotten where he was. When he glances back up, everyone is openly staring at him. He’s never been good at hiding the emotions from his face. Taking another deep breath and attempting to school his features, Lin shoves the phone in his pocket and walks back into the middle of things.

“Right, let’s get started!”

You can do this. You can do this. Focus.

“Is everything okay?” Tommy asks again. He isn’t even trying to hide his look of pity now.

“Totally fine. What are we doing today?” Lin realizes too late that he was the one who had made a special request that they spend the day working on the choreography of ‘Yorktown’, but his friends are kind enough to let that slide without comment.

As it happens, he actually _can’t_ do this. He’s so distracted and sleep deprived that he executes the new choreography horribly. And as for the intricate raps—forget it. Based on the way he butchers it, a casual observer would never be able to believe that he wrote them. Finally, it gets so bad that the choreographer Andy suggests that they play the demo in the background and just focus on getting the moves right. He still can’t.

Forty minutes into this disaster, which is feeling a lot like the nightmare where you arrive to school without your clothes on, Lin’s phone chimes loudly again. Heart clenching in fear with what could possibly be wrong now, Lin stops mid-number and steps out into the hall, muttering to his shocked friend and co-workers that he needs to take this.

V- _X-ray confirmed that the fracture in his shoulder grew by about a cm. You were right to want to check._

Lin really had been hoping that he was just being paranoid, that at most Alexander had just jarred it and delayed the healing a bit. This is the worst-case scenario. With shaking hands, Lin texts back “ _what’s next?”._

V- _Nothing more can be done, it can’t be casted. He just needs to keep it still from now on. We’ll have to watch him carefully. Doc said if it gets worse he might need surgery. He didn’t lecture Alexander this time though. Think he learned his lesson. Anyway, we’re fine. Getting an Uber back now. Don’t worry about us._

Yeah right. Lin feels like he’s going to throw up. That’s one more thing to worry about, with no actual ability to do anything about it.

Standing out in this hallway staring at his phone, all Lin’s feelings of guilt, inadequacy and sheer panic, combined with his exhaustion, feel like they’re coming to a head. Yet just as Lin’s sure he’s about to really lose it, Tommy pokes his head out the door from the rehearsal room. Purely on instinct, Lin throws his mental defenses back up and does everything in his power to push the feelings down. He doesn’t want anyone to see him like this. 

“Are you good to come back?”

“Actually... can we take ten?” Maybe he can go find a quiet bathroom to go break down in.

Tommy pauses, worry lines gathering on his brow as he takes in Lin’s appearance. Despite his attempt to keep himself in check, he must look like he’s seen a ghost.

“Seriously Lin, what’s going on? Don’t try to tell me it’s nothing. It’s obvious that it is not.”

“I-I…I really can’t talk now. Can I just… have a couple minutes. Please?”

Tommy’s frown only deepens. Lin hates himself even more at how much distress he’s causing Tommy at his expense.

“If that’s what you need, you can have it. I’ll let the others know.”

Once Tommy disappears back into the rehearsal room, Lin places his head up against the wall and tries his best to pull himself together. He isn’t doing anyone any good by doing this. Losing control of himself isn’t helping Alexander, his family, his friends, the show, not anyone. He needs to stop.

Tommy’s only been gone a few minutes when Chris Jackson marches out of the rehearsal room and without a word, grabs Lin by the arm and pulls him into an empty room.

“What the hell man? I just had to hear from Tommy that you’re having a mental breakdown in the hallway and have been having a tough few days, and I haven’t heard a thing about it. What gives?”

Lin says nothing. But under the scrutinizing gaze of his best friend, he feels the tight walls he’s been building begin to crumble. Chris notices, and pulls Lin into a tight hug. Before he has a chance to completely fall apart, Chris is there to hold him together.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay Lin. You’re okay. Everything’s okay. And even if not, we’re all here for you. I’m here for you.”

“Sorry,” Lin chokes out, wiping furiously at the tears that are threatening to spill out.

“You’re fine. Now just stay still a second and let me hold you. Then when you’re  ready, you are going to spill on what’s going on.”

Lin nods meekly into his shoulder. Having a best friend who is so much larger than him has its advantages, such as right now. Being totally enveloped in his comforting arms is enormously soothing. It’s exactly what he needs to finally get a hold of himself.

“Well, you look horrible,” Chris declares conversationally once he finally pulls away.  “What the hell is going on?”

Lin pauses for just a second, but his resolve quickly crumbles. He needs to tell someone. He needs to talk to another parent. To another father.

“Okay, um, do you remember how almost a year ago, before getting pregnant, Vanessa and I applied to be foster parents?”

“Yeah, I remember. You used me and Veronica as character references.”

“Two nights ago, I got a call asking me to take in a badly abused teenager for a night. Without even talking to V, I said yes. That’s what’s going on.”

Chris stares at him in stunned silence. Whatever he was expecting, it wasn’t this.

“So, we have this kid with us. Alexander is a sweet boy. He’s not a bad kid, but his issues are severe. I’m not dealing. I was insane to say yes to taking him, even for a few days.”

“Lin…” Words fail him. Considering how Chris always has something to say and advice to hand out, this is significant.

“It also turns out I am the world’s worst father.” Lin rants, pacing, pulling at his hair and trying to hold back more tears as he does so. “I have already lost count of the number of times I’ve retraumatized this poor boy. The kid is terrified of me, Chris. I’m also neglectful. Yesterday afternoon, he was quite unwell because I forgot to give him water or pain medicine for his injuries. And I just found out that it’s been made even worse on my watch! I failed at the basic task of even keeping him safe. Meanwhile, I haven’t been giving my newborn son nearly enough attention because of this broken child plopped in my incompetent care. Last night we just left Sebastian screaming in his crib for fifteen minutes because we were so busy dealing with the kid’s episode, or whatever it was. Dealing isn’t even the right word. We were just making it worse. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking that night I said yes. I can’t do this!”

As Lin stands there shaking from what he just unloaded, Chris grabs him again and holds him steady.

“Whoa, okay buddy, slow down. I’m not fully following you right now.”

“Sorry,” Lin says meekly, taking a deep breath. None of that must have made a whole lot of sense.

“Let me see if I can follow this. You say you have a temporary foster kid?”

“Yes.”

“What did you say his name was?”

“Alexander… Hamilton. Name’s just a weird coincidence. Just don’t ask.”

Chris blanches a little at this, but is able to shake it off and move on to the problem at hand.

“Okay… so…. Alexander is a handful and you’re freaking out.”

“I mean, that’s not really fair. Handful implies he’s out of control or misbehaving. That’s not true. It’s just… all of his problems…”

“It’s a lot, and you’re freaking out,” Chris finishes for him.

“Yes.”

“You feel like a failure?”

“Yes.”

Chris pauses for nearly a minute, seeming to be considering his next words carefully.

“Lin, who was the first person I called when CJ was first diagnosed with autism?” he asks at last.

“Me.”

“That’s right. And I was freaking the fuck out. Even more than you are now. Do you remember what you told me?”

Lin takes another deep breath. Chris’s questioning is helping him center himself. It’s making it easier to define the problem at hand, rather than just focus on all the swirling emotions.

“That you were going to be amazing at being a special needs father, even if you didn’t know how to yet, and that you just needed to take it one day at a time.”

“Exactly, and while I’m far from perfect, you were right in that it’s actually worked out okay. We found our new normal. Now this is me mirroring the exact same advice back to you. Just take it one day at a time, you don’t have to be a perfect father right away. Nobody is.”

“Alexander has been through hell. Unimaginable horrors have happened to him. He deserves a perfect foster family, or at least as close as he can get. That’s sure as hell not us.”

“Yeah, gonna be honest with you Lin. Getting a “perfect” family is probably not going to happen. You said his staying with you is just temporary?”

“Yeah.”

“Then I don’t see what the problem is. Like I said, just take it one day at time. Learn from it and when your time with him is up, consider yourself a better parent from it and move on.”

                                                                 ------

Tommy outright attacks Lin in a huge, bone-crushing hug when they return.

“You good now?”

“Yeah, thanks.” Tommy sending Chris after him was a godsend. He so appreciates how Tommy intuitively knew exactly who Lin needed to talk to right then.

“Will you talk to me when we’re done?”

“Okay.” He deserves that much.

Chris had been an enormous help. He had taken Lin from having a complete fucking mental breakdown in the middle of work to being calm and almost sure of himself in his ability to deal with whatever challenges would come next. It’s enough that he’s able to return to rehearsal (way past the requested 10-minute recess, but everyone is too nice to say anything) and do a halfway decent job for the remainder of the afternoon. He isn’t nearly up to speed with the usual standards he holds for himself, but he isn’t totally failing either. Normally doing just okay is not at all okay, but for once he’s able to give himself a break.

Once they wrap up for the night, Chris stays behind with Lin for moral support as he explains the basics of his Alexander situation to his “cabinet” of Tommy Kail, Alex Lacamoire and Andy Blankenbuehler. On Chris’s insistence, Javier also joins their conversation. Though they are all able to school their faces to neutral, Lin can tell that they all think he’s crazy for doing this. Or maybe not, and he’s just projecting his own emotions onto them.

Javier, being Javier, recovers from the stunned silence first and takes the time to wish him congratulations, tell him what a beautiful thing he’s doing and how amazing it is that he’s a father twice. It’s sweet, but also so not helping with the panic Lin’s doing his best to keep in check. He’s not at all prepared to be labeled as a father to Alexander in any capacity. Temporary caregiver is stressful enough.

They all agree without question that Lin needs to take a few days off in what Tommy calls “paternity leave”. Again, having his relationship with Alexander defined in that way- in any way- is not something Lin wants to hear right now. Still, it’s such a big relief to have one less thing to worry about without the constant feeling that he’s letting everyone down. To keep Lin from feeling exactly that, they decide to continue with the regular rehearsal schedule with Javier filling in entirely for Lin and just taking a lot of notes.

Lin had previously been offered up to a month of paternity leave following Sebastian’s birth, but he had rejected to take all but the first few days off because there was just so much to do. Lin still doesn’t love the idea of taking it now, but given his state it’s hard to argue that he shouldn’t at least take tomorrow off. Besides, Tommy outright insists to the point of declaring he’ll have Lin thrown out of the building if he shows up tomorrow. That doesn’t leave much room for argument.

Upon getting home from work, there is an obvious aura of calm in their little apartment to match Lin’s new attitude. When he quietly slips inside, not wanting to announce himself in case anyone is napping, he finds Vanessa and Alexander at the kitchen table playing a wordless game of cards. Lin pauses at the door, just observing them and trying to work out what they’re doing. It doesn’t take him long to figure out they are playing Go Fish, just without any talking. Both are holding up fingers to ask for a number and the first letter in sign language of queen, jack, king and ace. There is something utterly precious about Alexander holding up the sign for K and then giving a shy smile as Vanessa hands over her kings. What’s extra special about it is that Vanessa isn’t talking either. It’s so stinking cute, Lin chooses not to let his presence known just yet. He just keeps watching them.  

Lin is startled by the way that Vanessa is looking at Alexander. She seems so taken with him. Is this just Mommy hormones from recently giving birth or something more? She’s got the same look in her eyes as she did when she fell in love with Tobi despite being a lifelong cat person who never liked dogs.

It's this realization that prompts Lin to finally make his presence known, knocking lightly on the side of the door and stepping all the way into the kitchen to announce himself. Alexander starts in fear and drops his cards at this, but he doesn’t outright bolt either. The fear in his face is evident and his previously relaxed state vanishes in an instant; it just doesn’t seem as significant as the previous times Lin took him unaware. Maybe Lin’s just imagining it. He wants so badly to be making progress with Alexander, he could easily be reading something out of nothing.

“Hi Lin!” Vanessa smiles cheerfully at him. She seems so at ease. “You’re back early.”

 “Tommy’s orders,” Lin shrugs, not really wanting to go into the rather unique day at work he had just yet.

“That was nice of him.” Vanessa stands up to give Lin a quick kiss. “Since you’re back already I’ll get dinner started. An early dinner means we can go to bed early. I’m sure none of us would object to that.”

As Vanessa starts her preparations, Lin takes a hesitant step closer towards Alexander, but stops himself from outright joining him at the table.

“Hi kiddo,” he greets softly. “¿Como estas esta tarde?”

Alexander gives his customary shrug of his left shoulder, but Lin almost detects a hint of a smile on his face as he does so. Regardless of whether or not he imagined it, Lin smiles back encouragingly.  

_“I bet your getting sick of doctors though. That’s what, the third day in a row you’ve had to see one?”_

Alexander nods hesitantly in agreement. His face contorts for a moment in distaste. It’s nice to see him show any emotion other than fear.

“ _How’s your shoulder feeling? I’m guessing not so great?”_

Alexander just blinks at him. It’s not a confirmation, but it’s not a no either. It’s just slightly more than a non-response, since Lin gathers that the intention of that look was to communicate something. Lin decides to go with the assumption that it’s to communicate discomfort. The fracture in his bone freaking grew. It’s going to hurt.

“ _Is it a bit sore_?” he tries again.

“Un poco,” Alexander whispers at last.

_“Have you gotten anything to help with that?”_

Alexander nods again, glancing over at Vanessa as she works in the kitchen. The message is clear enough on that one. Of course, Vanessa is on top of things. She’s just so instinctively good with him.

Just to prove his point, Vanessa ends up making them ‘Caldo de Gallina Criolla o Pollo’ for dinner, which is the Dominican equivalent of Chicken Noodle Soup. It’s perfect. Nutritionally it’s exactly what Alexander needs right now, while also being slightly more familiar to him than just Campbell’s chicken noodle straight from the can. They still don’t know what island the kid’s from, but hopefully he can at least recognize the soup’s Caribbean flair. Alexander actually sits down at the table with them for the meal and manages half a bowl, before coming to an abrupt stop and looking pained.

 _“It’s okay, Alexander. You did good. You can be done,”_ Vanessa reassures him.

Once they all finish dinner, Vanessa suggests they all watch a bit of Netfilx together in the living room before going to bed ridiculously early. Hours earlier than is typical for an adult or teenager. Yet nobody objects. When Lin hands Alexander the remote again, he doesn’t give it back this time. Instead he puts on another episode of The West Wing. Lin really isn’t sure if it’s because he genuinely likes it or if he’s just trying to make Lin happy.  

To Lin’s utter astonishment, Alexander goes and sits down at the same couch as Vanessa. Not directly next to her as there are two couch cushions between them, yet still awfully close. Before now, he’d sat as far away from them both as possible, so this is quite significant. Alexander glances hesitantly over at Vanessa, as if asking if this is okay.

Vanessa lifts up her hand, looking for a moment like she wants to reach over and stroke his hair, but seems to think better of it.

“We’re really glad you’re here, honey.”

The look his wife gives Alexander as she says this is of extreme fondness. More than that, it’s of someone falling in love. Lin knows that look. It’s the same one she had given Lin when their relationship was getting serious, the look she’d given Sebastian after giving birth. The look she’d given Tobi right before they’d decided to bring her home.

His Mom had just warned him about the dangers of getting attached. Lin had dismissed it as he didn’t think it would be a problem for him. He hadn’t thought about Vanessa. They might be in trouble.

Knowing how Alexander will react if he joins them, Lin sits down at the respective armchair at the opposite end of the room. The symbolism of the distance between him and them as they watch TV is obvious.

His Mom had made him feel a little better about his parenting skills. Chris even more so. After talking to Chris he was feeling almost confident. Now watching Vanessa interact with Alexander, Lin’s fragile confidence takes a huge hit. If it’s truly a matter of lack of experience, why is she doing so much better? Already they have an easy rapport. Alexander seems to actually like her, while with Lin Alexander’s still treating him like he might assault him at any moment. Vanessa is just better at this in every possible way, just like she’s more in tune with Sebastian’s needs and appears to have a deeper connection with him. Maybe it’s just that some people, like Vanessa, are meant to be parents and some aren’t. Lin’s worried he might be in that latter category. 

When they all retire for the night, Alexander pauses at the door to the guestroom. He swallows a few times before turning around to face them.

“Good night,” he tells their feet before throwing himself into the guestroom and locking the door behind him.

Lin and Vanessa stare at each other open-mouthed. That moment was huge.

“Oh my god!” Vanessa shrieks once they get to their bedroom.

“I know!” No matter how hard this day has been, that is a pretty incredible way to end it.

“That boy…” The look of absolute love returns to Vanessa’s eyes.

“When he was with you today, did he talk at all?”

“He didn’t speak a sound at the doctor’s, but there were a few muttered words to me back at home.

“How many words did he say?”

“I don’t know. I’m not exactly keeping score. Wait…. you are, aren’t you? Do you have a running word count for Alexander?”

“Yes,” he mutters, slightly embarrassed.

“What is it then?”

“Counting that most recent little miracle, I’m at 25.”

“Oh Lin, that is just like you to catalog every one of Alexander’s words. Are you bothered that the count is no longer accurate, since I don’t know how high it got while you were gone?”

“A little.”

Vanessa openly laughs at him.

“I can’t tell you the exact number, but I don’t think it was more than five. I had been hoping to use the game to encourage him to speak in a way that was low-stakes. All he would have had to do was say a number, but he worked this system out instead. It surprises me that he knows American Sign Language, or at least finger spelling. Knowing a whole other language specific to the U.S. when he’s not even fluent in English is odd. Honestly, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he was more fluent than he’s been letting on.”

“Or maybe that’s just something he picked up by necessity from going months without talking.”

Vanessa shrugs.

“Either way, he seems quite intelligent and skilled with languages,” she gushes.

They settle into bed. Lin is so excited to finally sleep. Going on only five hours of sleep in a forty-eight-hour period is really not good.

“Lin,” Vanessa whispers in the dark, as they both lay side by side in bed.

“Hmmm?”

“Alexander…” she trails off, as if she has something important to say, but isn’t sure how to say it.

“What about him?”

“I think I’d like to keep him,” she whispers.

This is exactly what he had been afraid of.

Lin considers his words carefully. He doesn’t know how to tell her that that isn’t something he wants. Not without sounding horrible and uncaring. She doesn’t know how badly he’s dealing, about his mental breakdown at work or how the very idea of fatherhood utterly terrifies him.

“I like him too, but… don’t you think he needs to be with a family who has experience with his needs? We don’t actually know what we’re doing here.”

“I still want him. I know this might be selfish, but he’s stolen my heart, Lin. I don’t want to give him away to strangers.”

“I don’t think that’s our decision to make V. For now, we just need to take it one day at a time.”

“I know, you’re right. I just... I just wanted to let you know where I’m at.”

Lin pulls her in close and gives her a tender kiss on the forehead.

“Thank you for telling me,” he murmurs. He might not be head over heels for Alexander the same way that his wife seems to be, but he does love her so much for how quickly she fell in love. Just two nights ago, she had been furious at him for saying yes to Alexander for even one night. Such a turnaround would be the most beautiful thing in the world, if he wasn’t now worried about how badly she’s going to get her heart broken.

 Lin just doesn’t have the same feelings of maternal love as she does. When Lin thinks about Alexander, the most prominent feeling he feels is guilt.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI: There is probably going to be a two week delay between this chapter and the next one. I've got a lot to write for that one and it contains a lot of big moments that I don't want to rush through. ;)


	7. Friday: Day 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot can change in a day.

** Friday: Day Four **

The night had gone okay. To their enormous relief, Alexander appears to have slept through it, at least as far as they can tell. They don’t hear anything from him. Sebastian does not and keeps them up for half the night with more colic-induced wailing. It’s not good, but in contrast to the horror of the previous night, a crying baby who just wants to be held is far from the worst thing in the world.

It’s enough that when their alarm goes off the next morning, neither of them are moaning in horror at it. They still aren’t getting nearly enough sleep, but at least for now it’s in a tolerable range. 

“So Lin, I’ve got a small problem that I want to pick your brain about,” Vanessa brings up cheerfully as they both get dressed for the day.

“Okay.”

“I have a checkup this morning with my lady doctor. The one week post-partum thing. Since you have work the plan had been for my mom to take me and Seb, and go back to her place afterwards for some kind of ’my Grandson’s a week old’ photoshoot. Alexander complicates matters. I’m not sure if I should just go myself and have my mom watch the boys, or have him tag along and wait in the lobby with my mom during the exam. I know I don’t want to leave him alone even if he is old enough, but I don’t think he’ll do well with a new person either. It’s either extended time with her in the familiar apartment, or a brief period in a lobby full of strangers. Which one do you think is better?”

“Neither.”

“That is incredibly unhelpful.” Vanessa smacks him in the head with her pillow.

“Not true, because I have an easy solution. I’m not working today.”

“You’re not? How? I’ve seen the next few weeks’ rehearsal schedule. It looks crazy! A break didn’t look possible.”

Lin blushes a little, feeling bad about himself.

“Tommy insisted I take some time off.”

“Are you going to tell me why?”

“Dance and sleep deprivation didn’t go so well together yesterday,” he mutters, trying to avoid her gaze as his blush deepens. Vanessa is having none of it. She takes his chin and looks him dead in the eye. She’s not going to let him tiptoe around this. She knows something’s up.

“Temporary lack of coordination is not enough to justify time off. What happened yesterday?”

Lin sighs heavily and runs his hand nervously through his long hair.

“Okay, fine. I had a bit of a mental breakdown mid-rehearsal.”

“Lin!”

“Just a small one,” he insists.

“I find that hard to believe if Tommy banned you from work. I’m guessing that’s what happened, right? What exactly did this entail? Did you cry?”

Sheesh, way to bluntly make him feel like a very small child.

“Chris’s shoulder got a bit wet. No one else was there to witness that moment though. It wasn’t a full public humiliation.”

“Oh honey, I wish you’d told me sooner. I thought you were coping.”

Vanessa sits down on the bed next to him and wraps a single arm around him.

“I was just so tired. Combine that with hearing about Alexander’s x-ray results and I had a moment. It didn’t mean anything”

“I think it does though. We never did check in with each other yesterday after the hellish previous night. I just told you about how much I love the kid and want to keep him indefinitely. Did that freak you out? How are you doing?”

“I’m okay. Well, not amazing. I’m just having some dad growing pains.”

Lin is saved from having to expand on that by Sebastian fussing in the next room. When he smiles in triumph at not having to delve any deeper, Vanessa groans at him.

“Yes, one of us needs to go get him, but that doesn’t mean we’re done here. We’ll table this talk for now. How about this? My mom and I will continue with our original plan and just Alexander will stay you. If this is just ‘dad growing pains’ getting some time together might help.”

Vanessa is probably thinking that he and Alexander just need some one-on-one time and then Lin will turn around to her way of thinking. Not likely...

\--------

Later that morning finds the two of them in the kitchen getting breakfast ready, while Vanessa’s mother (who’d arrived a good 30 minutes earlier than needed to take her to the appointment) sits at the table cooing over her new grandchild.

It is then that Alexander appears. He and Vanessa had agreed not to wake him in order to give him a chance to sleep in as much as possible, but the kid does seem to have a knack for making an entrance. Alexander looks a lot better this morning. He’s already fully dressed for the day in Lin’s old clothes and has combed out his hair, so that alone makes him look less pitiful than he has on previous mornings. The bags under his eyes have also improved. They are still there and substantial, but are no longer so large they could be misinterpreted as black eyes. Some progress has been made.  

Alexander freezes in his tracks and his eyes widen when he spots the older blonde women at their kitchen table, but he doesn’t outright run out of there like he had done with Lin’s mother yesterday. While that can also be seen as a sign of further progress being made, Lin suspects it has more to do with the baby in her arms which prevents him from seeing her as too big of a threat.

Lin’s mother-in-law lights up the moment she sees Alexander enter.

“You must be Alexander!” She quickly hands off the baby to Vanessa and takes a step towards the teen with her arms outstretched to pull him into a hug. Alexander reacts instantaneously and dives behind Lin for protection against such an onslaught of grandmotherly affection.  Purely on instinct, Lin shifts his body to act as a full-body shield between the two of them.

“Mom! Ich habe dir gesagt, du sollst ihn nicht erschrecken!” Vanessa yells at her in German. That’s always her go-to when she doesn’t want Lin or anyone else to understand what’s being said. Normally that drives Lin crazy, but in this case he gets it’s for Alexander’s sake.

“Sorry, I just thought that…”

“Keine Umarmungen!” Vanessa cuts her off. She then turns to Alexander and Lin, who still haven’t moved from their respective cowering and protective stances. “On that note, I think we’re just going to leave now and pick up breakfast at a café somewhere. Probably for the best just to leave.”

“Good idea.” Lin feels bad for his mother-in-law. He can tell that her feelings are hurt by their decision to get her out quickly, but right now his top priority is the kid hiding behind him. This is the second time in two days Alexander has done this. There is a chance it might not be a fluke; maybe there is more to their relationship than he realizes. Maybe.

“Have a good day.” Vanessa gives Lin a quick kiss goodbye before turning to address Alexander in Spanish. “Adiós, cariño. Disfrutar de su tiempo con Lin. Te veré más tarde hoy.”

Once they leave and Lin turns to face Alexander, he doesn’t look scared anymore. He looks baffled. Lin can’t blame him—witnessing the intensive code-switching of his multi-lingual wife speaking three different languages to three different people in such a short period of time is quite a lot to take in.

“ _Vanessa’s mother is Austrian. She’s really good at languages. Come sit down and have breakfast… Do you want toast again or something different? Cereal? Eggs?”_

Alexander just stares at him. The look he’s giving him is one of puzzlement, as if there is a problem gnawing at him that he can’t quite figure out. Somehow, Lin thinks it’s something more pressing than breakfast choices. Lin can almost see the wheels turning in his brain. Something is up.

“ _Anything in particular on your mind, kid?”_ Lin asks more to fill the awkward silence than anything else. It’s not like he actually expects an answer.

“Um….” Alexander opens and closes his mouth a few times, as though trying to decide whether to say anything. When nothing more is said, Lin doesn’t think much of it. He just turns around to pour himself some coffee out of the pot Vanessa already gotten started for him.

“How come you speak to each other and everyone else in English, but to me only in Spanish?” Alexander asks quietly from behind his back. In English. This is the first full sentence Lin’s heard him speak (outside of his terrified screams) and it’s in English.

 Lin whirls around to face him, nearly knocking over his coffee mug in the process. 

“I’m sorry, what?”

Surely Lin just imagined that.

“I-I was just wondering why you… why you guys, um… only talk to me in… Spanish?”

Alexander trips and sputters nervously over every word. It doesn’t matter. What does is that that was most definitely in English and it was way beyond his customary one to two word phrases.

What?!

“We were told that was your primary language?”

“English is my first language. I know Spanish, but… where I’m from, English is the official language.”

Lin’s mouth drops in shock for more than one reason. In this one minute period, Alexander has said more words in a few short spurts than he’s spoken in all his time with them put together!

In a temporary role reversal, Lin is the one at a loss for words. Alexander shifts nervously in his seat.

“Sorry?” he whispers uncertainly into his lap. Lin has no idea why he’s apologizing.

“Don’t be. I’m just really surprised by this so I’m going to need a minute. Just… oh wow… We were given some really bad information. The impression from James Callender was you didn’t speak much English at all.”

“He doesn’t know anything.” The kid’s got some sass in him!

“Yeah, I’m getting that. Where are you from? I was told ‘one of those Caribbean islands.’”

“Nevis, but born on St. Croix. Both places speak English.”

As soon as Alexander finishes that sentence, he tenses up and pulls into himself, as if fearing retribution. Lin gets the impression that the amount of talking he’s doing right now is taking everything he has in him.

“Oh, I know where that is. St. Croix is near Puerto Rico. That’s part of the U.S. Virgin Islands, isn’t it? So, you are a U.S. citizen?”

Alexander nods shyly.

“Same as with my parents,” Lin rambles. “They both came here from Puerto Rico, but everyone assumes they’re immigrants even though they technically are not. Vanessa’s father is from The Dominican Republic, but I guess that know-nothing jackass guy Callender would say it’s all the same.”

Alexander smiles a little at that, but still refuses to make eye contact. The way this seems to work is the kid will either talk to him (which he still can’t believe) or look at him, but he won’t do both.

“Thank you for sharing this with me. I’m so glad you did. Um… I’m really sorry for the assumptions we made. We weren’t trying to racially profile you. That first night, when I switched from talking to you in English to Spanish, you appeared more responsive. I guess I just made assumptions based on that. I’m sorry.”

“It surprised me,” Alexander whispers to his hands. “It had been a long time since anyone had spoken to me in Spanish. Not since...” Alexander stops himself mid-sentence and looks rather horrified by what he’d almost said.

Who exactly is he talking about? Does he mean a former foster parent? A teacher? Or could it be a relative, maybe even his parents? Yesterday Lin had been too tired to give much thought to what his mother had said about finding out why Alexander was in foster care, but now his interest is piqued. Where exactly are Alexander’s parents? Lin knows that most kids in foster care aren’t actual orphans without living parents. Most are taken from their parents due to unsafe circumstances.

Lin really wants to ask, but with Alexander only just talking to him for the first time, that would be pushing it way too far. For now, he’ll just have to wonder.

They don’t talk any more over breakfast, which for Alexander still entails nibbling on a slightly less than toddler-sized portion of food. Lin is scared to push him further with further questioning and Alexander doesn’t appear especially keen on yielding any more than he already has. Even without knowing a thing about psychology or childhood trauma, Lin is at least able to understand that what he’d revealed today was moving mountains.

“You like books, right?” Lin asks, tentatively treading the water again as he clears the table once they are done.

Alexander nods in confirmation.

“We’d only offered you choices from our small collection of Spanish books, since we thought that was all you spoke. Now that we’ve cleared that up we do have a rather decent-sized number of English books you can choose from.”

When the kid’s only response is to glance questioningly over to the empty bookshelves in their living room, Lin has to fight back a laugh.

“Yeah, I know, we really haven’t made any progress at unpacking. Most of the books are in the boxes we have crammed into your room. Do you want to help me sort and unpack them and maybe find something of interest to you as we do so?”

“Okay.”

When they both go over to the guest room/Alexander’s room, Lin finds it noteworthy that Alexander will not venture into the room while Lin is inside. With a painful twinge of his heart, Lin realizes that there must be something to being alone in a small bedroom with a man that Alexander is not okay with. Lin quickly changes his plan from digging through the boxes with Alexander in his room, to taking them out to the living room to do so.

After carrying the first box over, Lin comes back to retrieve another just in time to find Alexander in his room bending over to lift one of the heavy book-filled boxes himself. He has taken his right arm out of the sling in order to use both arms.

“Whoa, kiddo, no!” Lin half shouts, but stops himself at the look of horror on Alexander’s face. He then continues softly and gently. “I don’t want you lifting anything heavy right now.”

Alexander stares at him with a deer-in-the-headlights expression. Lin sighs, feeling bad about his initial reaction. He’s just so worried about Alexander worsening his shoulder fracture even further.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m not mad; I know you’re just trying to help. I just don’t want you to get hurt. How about you go to the living room and start sorting books into piles? I’ll be over with the next box in a minute and we can go from there. Starting off with only two boxes sounds like the most manageable way to go about it.”

After Alexander makes his way to the living room, Lin waits a few minutes before joining him with the second box. He imagines that the boy might need a moment to collect himself after being startled like that.

When Lin does join him he finds that in just a few short minutes, Alexander had already diligently set about the task of unpacking half of the first box and sorted them by size and type. He’s fast.

Lin sits down on the floor next to him, but is careful to position himself so that the two boxes are between them.

“Nice work kid. Have you seen anything you like yet?”

Slowly and hesitantly, Alexander reaches over towards the pile of Vanessa’s smart-ass lawyer books, takes one from the top of the pile and holds it up for Lin to see. It’s one of Vanessa’s economic theory books from grad school, _The Monetary History of the United States._

“Can I look at this?”

Lin can’t help himself- he just stares at him. Why on earth would Alexander pick that one?

“Yes, of course,” he says at last, getting his voice back before Alexander has a chance to panic from his non-response.  “I told you anything is fine. We also have an extensive collection of science fiction books. Are sure that’s the one you want?”

Alexander nods. That’s not exactly light reading for a fourteen-year-old, or really anyone. While somewhat dumbfounded by his choice, Lin decides to just go with it and see if he could use this as a chance to draw him out a little more.

“You’re interested in economic policy then?”

“Yeah,” Alexander tells the floor. He shifts nervously in place and flinches defensively, as if waiting to be ridiculed for it. Lin can relate to that. At Alexander’s age, he’d always been the kid with the weird interests who was often laughed at for being too intense.   

“That’s super cool. Did you know my Dad is in politics? He used to work for the mayor and now runs political campaigns. You two should talk sometime!”

Alexander says nothing. He looks nervous. Of course he does—Alexander doesn’t like to talk or to meet new people. That’s been made very clear in just a few short days. It was a rather silly suggestion on his part.

“Well, maybe not right now. Further down the road, if you want.” Exactly when Lin is talking about, he doesn’t know. “Maybe when you’re a few years older I can hook you up with an internship at his company.”

Again, no answer. Lin hopes he isn’t scaring him away with his constant unfiltered chatter. He wants Alexander to keep talking and not backtrack from this amazing progress. Overdoing it seems to not be having the desired effect. Maybe it would be better just to give him some space and time to process.

“Do you want to keep looking through what we have, or are you all set with that one?”

Alexander stares owlishly at him and holds the book up to his chest as though it’s a precious object. Based upon how attached Alexander has shown himself to be to his books (that they _still_ haven’t heard anything about), maybe it is to him. Even without him talking Lin gets the message.

“I’ll leave you to it then.”

Lin watches with wonder and amazement as Alexander takes the book to the other side of the living room and curls up with it in the corner of the couch. With Tobi by his side as he reads, Alexander looks relaxed, almost happy. While reading a dense half-a-century-old economics book.  

What an odd kid.

Lin likes him though. The more Alexander opens up and reveals aspects of himself, the more Lin finds that he likes him a lot.

\------------

For the next few hours they fall into what could only be described as a comfortable silence. As Alexander buries himself in his quirky book of choice, Lin finishes transferring the remaining books to the bookshelf and then settles on the other side of the room with his laptop and headphones to work on Hamilton revisions. It’s nice. Lin actually finds himself enjoying Alexander’s company.

He is eventually interrupted by his cell phone ringing. It’s Ms. Rensselaer.

“I have good news for you!”

Somehow, this fills Lin with foreboding.

“Hold on, let me step into the next room.”

As Lin stands up to continue his conversation, Alexander looks up from his book and makes eye contact with him. His eyes look worried.

Lin does his best to smile at him reassuringly, even though he can’t completely let go of his own unease.

“What’s going on?” Lin asks once he’s in his bedroom with the door closed behind him.

“We’ve found Alexander a new foster family!”

Lin feels his stomach drop at this news. So soon! Yesterday he would have been relieved to hear that, but today… Vanessa will be devastated.

“Oh?” he asks mildly.

“I’m quite excited by it. John and Ann Lytton have been working with us for nearly a decade. They are just wonderful at working with abused and other special needs kids. They’ve even adopted a couple of them. This couple has been at the maximum level of kids we allow, but by chance one of their foster kids just transitioned to living with a relative, so they have an opening. They are a very well sought after family, but we’re giving the open slot to Alexander.”

Lin’s mind is swirling with mixed emotions. Giving Alexander one of their best families is a good thing. He knows he should be happy for him and he is. It’s just that it’s frustrating to have this happen right when he feels like he’s finally starting to bond with the kid. 

He’s relieved when she explains how happy they are with how Alexander is doing with them and they want to make sure the transition goes well. Instead of just moving him in with them immediately, she has scheduled a meeting with Alexander and the Lytton’s at their place and will come up with a timeline for the transition based on how it goes. It’s good that it will give Vanessa a chance to get used to the idea.

The plan is to have James Callender come over within the hour to drive Alexander over for the initial meeting. That’s happening quick; they really don’t beat around the bush.

Before they hang up Ms. Rensselaer tells him more about the family, and the more he hears, the more he realizes how perfect they are for Alexander. They have skills and experience that will allow them to meet Alexander’s needs in ways he and Vanessa never could. A small part of him may not like it, but this is a move that needs to happen.

The real challenge is how he is going to break the news to Vanessa. Even more pressing is explaining this to Alexander. It sucks that this has to happen just when he’s finally getting to a place where he’s able to somewhat function and not live in constant terror.

Lin really doesn’t want to be the person to ramp up the kid’s anxieties. He just doesn’t have a choice. 

“Alexander, I need to talk to you about something.”

The kid looks so grim when Lin comes over to join him back in the living room, like he’s bracing himself for the worst. His demeanor gives Lin pause. Lin’s not completely sure how much Alexander knows about the short-term circumstances of his stay with them.

“That was your social worker I just spoke to.”

Alexander blinks at him.

“Well, um, how much have they told you about you living with us?”

“It’s temporary,” he mumbles. Lin breathes a sigh of relief at this response. At least Alexander doesn’t have any misconceptions about his stay here.

“That’s right. You being here is an emergency placement. Do you know what that means?”

Alexander nods grimly in a way that makes Lin’s heart ache. It’s so hard to explain this in a way that doesn’t sound like he’s rejecting him. He can’t not tell him though, either. This is Alexander’s life, after all, and he needs to know what’s happening.

“Since that first night your social workers have been working to find you a family, someplace more suitable than us. I just got the call that they might have found you one. From what I hear it’s a really good one too.”

“I’m leaving?” Alexander asks somewhat breathlessly.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. Not yet anyway. However, they do want you to meet them today to see if you like each other. Nothing beyond that is happening today.”

“Is this because of the Spanish thing? I’m sorry! I should have stayed quiet. I can go back to talking only in Spanish if you liked that better,” Alexander spits out in just one breath. Hearing the previously non-verbal child suddenly talk a mile-a-minute is as shocking as the thought process he’d revealed.

That poor boy. How beaten down must he be to even consider that their language misunderstanding is grounds for being turned away? Lin wishes he knew what to say to reassure him.

“Alexander, buddy, this has nothing to do with that. Why would I be upset by you talking? Quite the opposite! I’m delighted. This isn’t about anything you did or didn’t do. This is about doing what’s best for you.”

Alexander says nothing in response. He has let his face go blank so that his features are unreadable, beyond the abuse he resumes on his bottom lip.

“When am I going?” he at last whispers to the ground.

“You’ll be leaving for the visit in about an hour. Mr. Callender will drive you over and you’ll meet the parents and their other kids. You’ll probably have lunch with them or something. Then you’ll come right back here. Based upon how things go, your social workers will figure out a game-plan to transition you. But no matter what you are staying with us at least another night. No major changes are happening yet. Okay?”

Alexander takes a deep breath and looks Lin dead in the eye.

“Okay.”

\-------

Between Lin’s conversation with him about the change and Mr. Callender coming to pick him up, Alexander does not talk at all. It’s not the same comfortable silence as before. It’s thick with discomfort and anxiety. Alexander pretends to be reading his book, but it’s obvious he’s not. His eyes keep darting nervously around the room and he stays on the exact same page the entire time. Earlier he had been moving through the pages at a rapid rate and his eyes had remained glued to the book. Not anymore. Lin can tell that Alexander is stressing out big time.

Lin tries several times to reassure him that there wasn’t anything to worry about, but all of it’s in vain; not only will Alexander not talk to him, he won’t look at him either. Lin is terrified that they’ve just been sent back to square one, that all the progress he’d made with Alexander today had been lost. He’s worried that as a result of this new placement, that whole talking thing might have been a one-time deal.

When the doorbell finally does ring, Lin can tell from Alexander’s body language that it’s taking everything he has in him not to run out of there and hide behind a locked door. He doesn’t though and for that, Lin feels an unexpected sense of pride.

Mr. Callander is as rushed and unsympathetic as ever. Lin absolutely detests handing Alexander over to his care, even if he’s just driving him from point A to point B. It bothers him enough that Lin offers to come along with them, to which it is a hard no. The very idea of it seems to offend him.

When Lin asks about Alexander’s things, specially his books, Lin can tell that he had forgotten all about it, even though he tries to suggest otherwise and blame it on his large caseload. Lin is so unleashing the full fury of Vanessa on the them once she gets back from the appointment and lunch with her mom. Lin is really starting to dislike this guy.

Once they leave for the meeting and Lin complexly alone, the entire space of the apartment feels weird. After spending the past few days with a full apartment, sudden solitude is oddly uncomfortable. Even though Alexander is so quiet and Sebastian spends most of his time sleeping, Lin doesn’t like not being able to sense their presence.

Lin tries his best to shake it off. He cannot allow himself to become too comfortable with Alexander. It doesn’t matter if Lin likes him or not- this is about what’s best for the kid. He can’t just keep him because having Alexander quietly reading his monetary policy book across the room from him as he composes feels good. That’s completely selfish and not at all acting in Alexander’s best interests. This new placement is what Alexander needs in order to heal from his trauma and begin to thrive.

\--------

This time to himself does not last long. Not even forty minutes after they departed, Lin is interrupted from his halfhearted attempts at unpacking by a banging on the door that is angry and comes hours earlier than he’d expected. Lin opens the door and in stalks James Callender, closely followed by Alexander, who looks absolutely terrified. Lin’s newly developed dad instincts immediately kick into gear and he addresses the scared kid first.

“Alexander, are you okay?”

He briefly makes eye contact with Lin and nods.

“What happened?”

“Alexander wouldn’t get out of the fucking car. I drove him all the way across town, in heavy traffic, and he refused to get out. Do you have any idea how stupid you made me look?!”

Alexander makes his way over to the couch and sits down, staring miserably into his lap.

“Oh mijo…”

“He does not need your sympathy. He was being a brat!”

“He must have been scared,” Lin says softly, trying to keep his temper in check. Nobody has bothered to ask the teen’s opinion on any of this. They just keep showing up and doing things with him or taking him places as though he’s some object. Being randomly dragged to your ‘new home’ would be terrifying for anyone.

“There was nothing to be scared of. This is a good family. One of the best we work with. They’re really rolling out the red carpet for you kid, and you blew it! When the mom came out to talk to him this genius curled up in a ball, covered his ears and refused to talk to her or even look her! They’re not going to want you now. You looked like a fucking retard.”

“Get out,” Lin hisses in a tone that is cold, but deadly.

“Excuse me?”

“No one is allowed to talk like that in my house and certainly not to the kid under my care. You are no longer welcome. Get out!”   

Without another word, Lin stands up to show the bemused and sputtering piss-poor excuse for a social worker the door. Lin is so enraged he can’t even look at him. How dare he speak that way! How dare he treat Alexander with such callousness!

When he looks back over at the couch, Alexander is crying silently. Why? Was it because of what was said? Did Lin scare him with his anger? Or is he just so overwhelmed by it all? Either way, Lin longs to hug him.

Lin sits down next to him and Alexander skootches his body away to the other end of the couch, now crying even harder. He’s making it worse again.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m going to make some calls and make sure you never see that shithead again. It won’t be a problem.”

“I’m sorry,” Alexander gasps out. Lin fills his heart twinge for more than one reason. He’s so thankful that Alexander is talking again, but it also does not escape his notice that ever since this all started the kid’s been doing nothing but apologizing.

“Oh, none of that. It’s okay Alexander, everybody gets scared sometimes. You don’t need to feel bad.”

“I messed up and now you’re probably going to be stuck with me longer and you’ve got so much else going on.”

Lin had hoped that Alexander hadn’t picked up on that. Combine that with his reading choices, and he’s starting to get the impression that this kid is especially bright. Vanessa had said that last night.

“Oh buddy, that’s not a problem. You can stay as long as you need to. Our goal is just to make sure you’re with the right people and the transition goes smoothly. You don’t have to worry about how long it takes.”

As he says it aloud, Lin takes himself by surprise. When did that get decided?

Lin is helpless as Alexander cries harder and harder, curled up in the corner of the couch. Every part of Lin’s being is screaming at him to wrap the child in his arms and make it better, but the mere act of moving closer to him only makes it worse.

Tobi walks by then, appearing vaguely curious about all the commotion. Struck by a sudden idea, Lin pats the couch cushions and calls her up. Once the pup joins them she makes her way over to Alexander and gives the distraught boy an inquisitive sniff before leaning in to lick his face. She must like the taste of the salty tears. Alexander reaches out to rub a hand through her fur in between shuddering full-body sobs. Within moments he throws his arms fully around the dog and buries his face in her coat to cry into. Tobi seems mildly perplexed, but okay with it. She glances over at Lin, in a way that almost seems to say “what you gonna do?”

They remain like that for a good thirty minutes with Alexander’s sobs continuing at the same intensity. With the way he’s going Lin wonders when was the last time he’d cried about what had happened to him. Like somehow this might be emotional purging and he’s making up for all the times he’d held it all in because it wasn’t safe. Has he been able to let out his emotions at all before today?

For his part, Lin just hangs back and observes, realizing that what’s happening now is bigger than himself and, as much as he wants to make it all better, this release might be needed.

Yes, Vanessa had said that he had cried a little in the doctor’s office yesterday, but it sounded like he had pulled himself together quickly enough. Not like now. Lin wonders if watching him cry yesterday was the root of Vanessa’s intense parental feelings towards him. It’s certainly creating some unexpected new feelings for him.

Eventually the tears die down to just shuddering hiccups and Alexander’s eyes start to droop. There really is nothing more exhausting than a good cry and that one was a doozy. After a while Alexander drops himself down so he’s lying on the couch with Tobi spooned up to his chest. She’s basically serving as a warm teddy bear at this point. Good dog. As Alexander isn’t letting any human get anywhere near him it’s encouraging that he’s getting comfort from somewhere.

As it becomes clear that the teen is minutes away from falling asleep, Lin gets up to retrieve some items from the still-unpacked boxes. Late in the morning is an odd time for a nap, but heaven knows this boy needs as much sleep as he can get.

“Alexander, I have a pillow and blanket for you. Is it okay if I come closer to give it to you or should I leave it over here for you to grab for yourself?”

“Go ahead,” Alexander whispers into Tobi’s fur, barely keeping his eyes open.

Slowly and carefully Lin approaches Alexander and hands him the pillow so he can place it under his head. That act alone seems to drain what little energy Alexander had left.

“Is it okay if I lay this blanket on you?” Lin asks tentatively, hoping he’s not overstepping, while also guessing that Alexander doesn’t have it in him to do it himself.

By no small miracle, Alexander nods in confirmation, allowing Lin to drape the heavy throw blanket over him, while being mindful to avoid direct physical contact. This simple act feels like the most truly parental thing Lin’s done for him, stirring something within him that wasn’t there before. For the first time, Lin can picture a life where he’s Alexander’s father. Not just for pretend. For real.

“Good night Alexander,” he whispers tenderly.

Crap, he’s falling for this kid. He’s falling hard. Just yesterday he had reassured his mom that he wasn’t going to let that happen! Lin needs to get a grip and remind himself that Alexander is no more than a passing stranger. In a few days, he’ll be removed to his new home and they’ll probably never see him again. 

“Alex,” the boy that is not his whispers back.

“Hmmm?”

“You can call me Alex.”

\--------

 

Later in the day when Vanessa returns home, Alex is still conked out on the couch. Her eyebrows shoot straight up in surprise.

“He’s sleeping somewhere without a locked door,” she whispers as she sets her bag down and hands Lin the baby-carrier with a sleeping Sebastian inside. “Am I missing something?”

“It’s been a bit of an eventful morning. A lot happened.”

“I can’t wait to hear this.”

Lin puts a finger to his lips. Both the boys are sleeping and he’d like to keep it that way. Lin gestures for Vanessa to follow him to their bedroom.

“Why is Alexander sleeping on our couch?”

“He cried himself to sleep earlier.”

“What! Why?”

“Hold on. Let me tell you about our morning first. It will make more sense.”

She doesn’t know about any of it yet. Lin had considered texting her when Alex had first started to talking, but decided against it. At one point, before the rest of the morning had turned into something entirely different, Lin had fantasized about not saying anything to her and would’ve just been chatting casually with Alex when she got back. He’d wanted to see her surprised reaction and maybe show off a little that he was the one that Alex had first opened up to. That had been silly of him. Besides, none of that matters now.

“Well for starters, English is Alex’s first language. When Alex told me this he was speaking in full sentences, V! It was amazing. James Callender is a moron who made assumptions based on racial profiling. Speaking of which, we’re not letting that man get in so much as the same room with Alex again.”

He tells her everything that happened. When he gets to the part about social services finding Alex a new family, Vanessa gasps.

“Lin, no! That’s too soon.”

Too soon might be one way of looking at it. Too late might be another. If it had happened just a day earlier neither of them would be having these feelings.

“Hold on, there’s more to this story than that. It’s complicated. Let me finish.”

Vanessa looks absolutely heartbroken by the time he finishes.  

“Oh, my heart. Hasn’t he been through enough? The people who are supposed to be looking out for his interests should not be treating him that way.”

“I knew he sucked. It was my fault for letting Alex go anywhere alone with him. I should have stepped in earlier.”

“It’s hard to know what our role is when we keep being told this is temporary. I’d say it’s time to step it up and take a more active role in what happens to him.”

“Alex deserves to have someone,” Lin agrees. Even if it’s just temporary.

“Hey, why are you suddenly calling him Alex?”

“He told me to.”

“Oh wow! Okay, Alex it is then. You’re smitten with him now too, aren’t you? I can see it in your eyes.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Lin says dejectedly. “This family they found is perfect for him. They have over a decade of experience fostering and work with special-needs and medically-fragile kids. It’s like, their life’s work. They have a handful of other kids like him they ended up adopting and a stay-at-home mom who can give Alex all the attention he needs.”

Vanessa winces at this. She’s been feeling mildly guilty about her intention to go back to work in January once his show is no longer in rehearsals and Lin’s on a regular schedule.

“We can give that to Alex too. At least the stay-at-home parent part. It might not be a nuclear family arrangement, but there will always be someone home with the boys. We already worked this out for Sebastian, Lin. I don’t see how adding one more kid changes things.”

They were planning on coordinating their schedules so that Vanessa could work as a lawyer from morning to midafternoon most days with Lin taking Sebastian, and Lin working late afternoons and evenings and Vanessa doing the reverse. They’ll then have grandparents pick up the slack when there’s overlap.

“It’s more than just logistics, V. Alex deserves to be with people who know what they’re doing.” These past few days have done nothing, but prove that they don’t.

“Nobody knows what they’re doing, so don’t kid yourself. All parents are making things up as they go along.”

“But experience does matter. Especially when it comes to what Alex has been through.” Lin hates having to be the one to make this argument. Especially now, when he’s grown quite fond of the boy. Yet, it’s because of this that he has to act in Alex’s best interests.

“We care for him. Isn’t that enough? Isn’t love enough?”

“Not always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter now has fanart! Check it out: https://alixzin.tumblr.com/post/160318348513/a-quick-drawing-of-my-favorite-scene-so-far-from


	8. Alex interlude

A blood-curdling scream reverberates throughout the room, bouncing off the walls and carrying through the rest of the apartment. It wakes him up with a start and leaves him sitting bolt upright in bed. He can feel the massive amount of adrenaline pumping through his veins, causing his heart to pound uncomfortably in his chest and his throat to burn. It takes him a moment, but as the burning in his throat and chest increases, he realizes that he’s the one who is screaming.

Just as soon as he comes to this realization, the awful sound comes to a dead halt and Alex is left gasping for breath, wiping furiously at the thick sheen of sweat on his forehead that is dripping down into his eyes. Alex’s entire body is covered in a cold sweat, including the pajamas that are not his that are now soaking wet.

“Alex! Alex, honey, wake up. You’re having a nightmare, sweetheart. Please wake up!”

A set of voices is calling to him from the other side of his bedroom door. Alex now understands what must have happened; he’d had another nightmare about Mike Atkinson, about him coming to see him in the middle of the night. Of course he had- they’re always about Mike. Even when he’s not there, he can’t escape his nightly attacks. He’ll never escape.

Totally against his will, Alex dissolves into wailing, full body sobs. He has fully lost control of his body, just like how he had no control of it with Mike.

“Alexander? Are you awake, honey?” The voice sounds genuinely concerned, but that doesn’t mean anything. The Atkinsons had been kind to him at the beginning. They’d made him think they cared.

“Please kid, please answer us. You don’t have to open the door, but at least let us know if you’re alright.”

Alex cries even harder at these words. He wants to be okay. He wants to be in control enough to at least tell these worried voices that he’s awake and not in any immediate danger, but he can’t. He’s too scared, as the memories swirl all around continuingly in his brain. He knows what someone coming into his bedroom in the middle of the night entails; he can’t think of anything else. He’s not even entirely sure where he is.

“Alex, come on kid. It’s Lin. All I want is to help you with this.”

Alex is too disoriented to fully recognize the name, but he feels a strange surge of warmth nonetheless.

“Lin?” he echoes quietly, his body shuffling closer to the door without his brain’s consent.

“That’s right, kiddo.  It’s Lin. We bonded a little bit today, didn’t we?”

Now Alex remembers—he had talked to Lin yesterday. He had _corrected_ him on his language usage. He had allowed himself to break down in front of him, in front of this man he doesn’t even know- This man who he finds himself liking despite the obvious dangers.

At the very thought of his talking, Mike Atkinson’s words echo in Alex’s head: “Talk less. Smile more. Just be a pretty thing who is seen and not heard.” Those words repeat over and over in his head in a continues loop that makes his skin crawl. 

He hears screaming again. It takes him almost a full minute before he realizes that it’s him once again. It grates at his ears and shreds at his throat, but at least it drowns out Mike’s voice.

Once he finally gets ahold of himself, Alex can hear frantic whispers from the other side of the door he’s now inches away from. He hears the movement of more than one set of feet shuffling around outside his bedroom.

It reminds him of Mike’s wife Jennifer. At first Alex didn’t think she knew what her husband was doing to him, and had clung to the hope that if he could just work up the courage to say something, it would all stop. Then one night while it had been happening, he’d heard her get up and walk towards his door. She’d been right outside and could hear what was happening, and for a moment Alex had been sure it would all be over soon- that he was saved- but then she’d turned around and walked away. Jennifer had been horrible to Alex after that, never having a kind word to say to him and hitting him at every chance she got. That’s when he’d lost all hope. That’s when he’d stopped talking.

“Do you think you could unlock the door for me? Please, will you let us help you? I could send Tobi in if you don’t want one of us.”

Alex had never had a lock on his old bedroom door. Once he’d tried barricading it with all his furniture pushed up against it, but it had made no difference. Mike was strong and by the time he’d gotten through he’d been furious. He had been so incredibly rough with him that night that by the next morning Alex was bruised all over and bleeding from multiple places. Alex had never tried that again. It went so much easier when he didn’t fight it and just let it happen, and if Alex could even bring himself to smile when he came in, Mike would be gentle and whisper about how ‘good’ and ’pretty’ he was.

Alex is screaming again. He can’t help it, he can’t control it.

“I didn’t want it! I never meant that I wanted it!” he hears himself wailing.

“I know, Alex. I know. I’m not going to try to come in if you don’t want me to. Just keep that door locked if that’s what you need.”

Alex takes a shuddering breath. He doesn’t understand. Doesn’t that locked door make him mad? Is this some kind of trick?

“Can you do me one favor though?”

There it is; he’d known this was too good to be true.

“Can you go get your sling?”

Alex is so taken off guard by this request that he complies without even thinking about it. He finds the sling on the floor by his mattress, right where he’d left it when he’d taken it off before going to bed.

“Got it,” he tells the disembodied voice behind the door.

“Beuno. Now, can you put it on for me? Can you do that Alex?”

“Uh huh.”

Alex doesn’t understand why, but he puts it on anyway. It’s helpful to have a task to focus on, something other than the memories swirling around his head. If the goal of that request is to make it harder for Alex to resist when he gets in, it doesn’t matter. The jokes on him, since if the man on the other side of the door makes it in, he plans on not putting up a fight.

“Excellent, Alex. Thank you. Now if you could just leave that on for the rest of the night that would make me feel a lot better.” There is a long pause. “Alex, are you awake now?”

“I think so,” he whispers dejectedly. He’s not sure though as it’s hard to tell the difference these days.

“Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself in any way?”

That’s a question Alex has not heard before, so it doesn’t trigger anything other than confusion. Alex has to pause for a second and check in with himself before he can answer that; it’s not something that was even on his radar.

“Throat’s a little sore,” he says at last.

“I can believe that, you were screaming for quite a long time.” Alex isn’t quite sure what he means by that. As far as he could tell it was only a few minutes. “If I bring you a glass of water or some tea do you think you would be able to open the door just a crack to take it?”

Alex says nothing. He knows he won’t be able to- every fiber is his being is screaming at him not to unlock that door under any circumstances, but he’s also terrified of telling him no.

“Is that a no, then?”

Again, Alex says nothing. He wants to, but he just _can’t_.

“Okay, that’s fine. Now would you prefer me to stay and keep talking to you, or would you rather be left alone for a while?”

“Go back to sleep,” Alex whispers. There is a very small part of him that doesn’t want that, a small part of him that finds his voice soothing and wants that comfort to stay. Yet an even bigger part of him is flooded with anxiety at the very thought. Trusting another person isn’t safe, regardless of whether they are safely tucked away on the other side of a locked door or not. And even if it is, there’s no point in letting himself have that comfort, since it would only last a few more days and would then be gone forever.


	9. Saturday: Day 5

** Saturday: Day 5 **

“Lin? Lin, wake up!”

When Lin opens his eyes he’s on the floor of the hallway, where he’d been sleeping sitting up against the wall, and Vanessa’s standing over him with Sebastian in her arms. It takes him a second to shake away the sleep and get his bearings, but once he does it all comes back to him in a matter of seconds. After Alex had told them to go back to sleep and Vanessa had gone to get Sebastian (who had once again joined in the late-night screaming party), Lin still couldn’t bring himself to leave. Not when Alex was still in such a state of distress. Somebody that scared and upset shouldn’t be alone, they need to have someone there for them. Even if, like in Alex’s case, they didn’t know it. So Lin had sat himself down on the floor of the hallway, far enough away that Alex wouldn’t hear his slight movements, but close enough that he could still hear Alex’s continued sobs and be aware if anything changed. At some point, he must have fallen asleep.

Lin stands up gingerly, noting the twinge of pain in his back from the position he’d slept in, and smiles sheepishly at Vanessa.

“Good morning. Um, is it morning?”

“Not yet. What were you doing?”

“I just couldn’t bring myself to leave Alex alone.” Lin keeps his voice quiet in case Alex is still awake, but he doesn’t hear anything from where he’s standing. Earlier, Alex’s sobs coming from his bedroom had been continuous. Sitting there listening to Alex in his state of severe distress while not being able to do anything about it had been devastating; he hadn’t even been able to let his continued presence be known. At least when Alex had broken down during the day he had been able to provide him with some comfort via Tobi.

If anything, the reprise of Alex’s nighttime ‘episode’ had been even more emotionally damaging than the first. Yes, they weren’t taken completely off guard and had a fairly good idea of what was happening, but this time around Lin’s emotional investment in the kid was also stronger, meaning the hurt was deeper.

After the massive breakthrough he’d had with Alex yesterday, it feels a bit like a slap in the face to have the night go as badly as it did. This feels like a huge step backwards. The part that hurt the most was that even after the ‘episode’ had seemed to pass and Alex was awake and talking to them, the screaming had still started back up again. Twice that had happened. Lin really isn’t sure what to make of that; was it some psychotic episode with spells of lucidity, or had it been an anxiety attack that Alex had managed to calm himself down from, only for it to be retriggered by Lin? Neither option is good. Either way, it certainly further cements Lin’s already firm stance that Alex needs more help than he can provide.

“Is he okay now?” Vanessa asks anxiously.

“He’s not screaming anymore.” That’s all Lin can provide as an answer since that’s all he knows. Measuring their success with Alex by whether or not he’s presently screaming as though he were being tortured is an awfully low bar, yet they can’t even seem to meet that.   

“Oh Lin, that poor baby,” Vanessa sighs, pressing her body up against him in a half embrace.  “It’s going to take so much time and effort to get him to be okay again.”

If ever, Lin thinks. Alex might never be able to fully recover from the horrors inflicted on him. He doesn’t say so aloud, though. Instead he glances down at his sleeping son, still so pure and beautiful and undamaged by the world. It’s striking to think that at some point Alex had been like that too, that at one point a parent had lovingly held baby Alex and imagined nothing but good things for him. At one point he had been somebody’s precious baby, yet before he’d even had a chance to reach adulthood, his life had been so irreparably tarnished. 

Vanessa takes a step closer to Alex’s door and presses her ear up to it. She quickly pulls away with a look of alarm.

“Why do I hear voices coming from his room?”

Lin hurriedly listens in as well, before smiling: he recognizes those voices. 

“It’s fine. I slipped him my iPad under the door. He needed some form of distraction. At some point, I think he pulled up the Netflix app and put on more West Wing.”

That was when the sobs had finally died down, at least enough that they couldn’t be heard, and Lin must have allowed himself to relax enough to fall asleep.

Vanessa smiles as well.

“He’s really marathoning his way through it. I think you’ve created a bit of an addiction there, Lin.”

Lin previously hadn’t been sure if Alex was just been pretending to like the show to be polite, but after finding out about Alex’s special interest in economics he’d realized that Alex’s love for it must be genuine. He likely found the layers of complexity and Nobel-prize-in-economics-winning President Bartlett quite thrilling.  

“Alex? Are you still awake, sweetie?” Vanessa calls softly through the door.

No response. Either Alex had fallen asleep with the show still playing or he’s awake and too terrified to answer. There really is no way of knowing, or anything he can do about it if it’s the latter, so Lin reluctantly allows Vanessa to lead him back to bed.

**\----------**

“Alex! Alex, honey, it’s morning. Do you want to get up and come have breakfast with us?” a soft female voice calls through his door, waking Alex up.

At some point in the night he had fallen back asleep on the floor of the Mirandas’ guestroom. He had pressed himself up against the bedroom door, for the equally ridiculous combined purposes of seeking the comfort of hearing Lin’s continued presence and as a precaution so he would know if a new threat emerged.

“Okay, I’ll be out in just a minute.”

Alex needs that minute to work up enough courage to leave the room and face the Mirandas after another horrible night. He’s certain that after all that they must be quite keen to be rid of him.

When Alex finally opens the door, Vanessa is standing on the other side waiting for him with a delighted smile on her face.

“Good morning Alex, how are you feeling?”

She reaches out a hand as if to stroke his face, and Alex instinctively flinches away from it. Vanessa’s smile falters for a second as she pulls her hand back, before quickly returning in a way that is almost too cheerful.

“Lin-Manuel got us pastries from the corner bodega while taking Tobi for her morning walk. It’s our weekend tradition. Come eat with us.”

She ushers him down the hallway to the kitchen, where they find Lin setting out the pastries and fresh to-go cups of café. God, Alex wishes one of those could be for him. He hasn’t had regular access to coffee since entering foster care and he misses it; Alex just doesn’t feel like himself without massive amounts of caffeine running through his system, but he doesn’t have the courage to ask.

Lin greets him in the same cheerful, nonchalant way as Vanessa had, as if nothing at all out of the ordinary had happened last night. Okay then, Alex is more than willing to join them in this game of pretend.  

As Vanessa had said, it’s the weekend and for the first time in what feels like forever, that doesn’t fill Alex with dread. While living with the Atkinsons he’d come to loath the weekends, as school was his safe place that he’d never wanted to leave. When class got out he’d stay in the library reading every random thing he could find until it closed, and would then wander aimlessly around the neighborhood until sunset, when he knew he’d be in trouble if he didn’t get back soon.

School had also meant food, since as a foster kid he got free breakfast and lunch from the school every day. Alex could never count on dinner on weekdays, or anything at all on the weekends. So he took to saving away bits from every meal- an apple or part of a sandwich- in his backpack to get him through the weekend. At first it took huge amounts of willpower not to eat everything all at once when he was so hungry, but at some point it had stopped mattering so much. He’d gotten to a point where he needed very little on the weekends and could never even eat more than a few mouthfuls of the school meals. Alex isn’t naïve—he knows that his body’s adapting to less food wasn’t a good thing, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it while he was stuck in that house.

At this new home access to food is not a problem. In fact, every time he stops eating the Mirandas look crestfallen. Alex doesn’t want to disappoint them, but since coming to their apartment Alex’s digestive system has become chronically unhappy with him, so to split the difference he’s taken to slipping Tobi small amounts of his food when they aren’t looking to make it appear that he’s eating more.

Another reason Alex had disliked the weekend was because it meant no social worker visits. Alex always liked it when a social worker stopped by to ‘check in on things’ since it meant the Atkinsons were on their best behavior for a few days. Now, for once, Alex is happy that they won’t be coming by. He’s tired of their constant presence this past week. Yesterday, after waking up from his embarrassingly long nap, Vanessa and Lin had sat him down and explained that they had spoken to his new social worker and decided that nothing more would happen with this ‘new family’ until Monday, to give him some time to process.

After breakfast (that Alex secretly shares with Tobi), Vanessa hesitantly suggests that he go take a shower, leaving Alex mortified. Around the same time that Lin had slipped him an iPad, Alex had managed to get ahold of himself enough to change out of the wet, sweat-drenched pajamas and into a fresh pair he’d found in Lin’s box of old clothes. His body had been equally moist from sweat at the time, so this morning he must stink. He definitely needs a shower.

Alex slinks away to do just that and his humiliation is further solidified when he glances at himself in the bathroom mirror and notices that the pajamas he grabbed at random in the dark are covered in ninja turtle cartoons and appear to be geared for someone much younger. Alex knows he’s small, but even this is a whole new level of embarrassment. As James had said that first night: “what must they think of you?” What must the Mirandas think of the mess of a teenager who wakes them up at night with his screaming, cries himself to sleep on their sofa, wears ridiculous clothing and comes to breakfast smelling rank? No wonder they don’t want him. Alex can’t even stand to be around himself.

He’s such a mess that he has to get back into the embarrassing pajamas when his shower is done, since he forgot to bring a change of clothes with him and just _can’t_ go out in the hallway in just a towel.

Alex freezes in his tracks when he gets back to the room. Lin is in there, removing his wet sheets from the mattress and putting on a clean set. Alex feels his entire body go rigid. He couldn’t take a step inside even if he wanted to, not while Lin is in the bedroom.

“Oh, hi Alex. Sorry, I thought you’d be longer in the shower. I just wanted to get your wet clothes and sheets in the laundry for you.”

With a sudden horrifying realization, it occurs to Alex that his sheets are wet enough from his sweat that Lin might think that he’d peed the bed during his nightmare. Not only is that devastatingly embarrassing, it’s also dangerous—in previous homes Alex has seen foster kids he was living with get beaten for that. Alex takes a small step back just as Lin picks up the sheets and still-damp pajamas and steps out of the room towards him. Without even thinking, Alex launches himself backwards until his back collides heavily with the hallway wall, sending a sharp pain through his shoulder.

The logical part of Alex’s mind gets that Lin is probably safe- after all, he’d spent most of yesterday alone with him and it was perfectly fine. If Lin was going to try anything it would have been when he was exposed and asleep in the living room with Vanessa gone, yet the rest of his brain and body hasn’t gotten the memo yet. Alex’s heart is pounding in his chest, his hands feel numb and tingly and he has to swallow down the rising nausea that is threatening to make him lose what little breakfast he had had and-

“Alex,” Lin interrupts his panicking spiral. “I’ve cleared a path. You can go back to your room now. You’re okay.”

Alex opens his eyes, which he hadn’t even realize were closed, and sees that Lin is now on the other side of the hallway. He isn’t a threat. Alex clears the distance between him and his bedroom in a matter of seconds. The part of himself that Alex isn’t in control of is screaming at him to slam the door shut and lock it, but Alex manages to momentarily fight it.

“Thanks,” he says softly to Lin, who is still watching him from down the hallway with a sad expression.

“No problem kiddo. Are you okay? You didn’t hurt yourself, did you?”

Alex’s shoulder smarts with pain, but it’s not too bad. It’s doesn’t feel like he worsened the break.

“I’m okay.”

“Good to hear. If that ever changes, just let me know. You know you’re safe here, don’t you Alex? We’re never going to hurt you.”

“Uh huh,” Alex replies in a voice that is way too high-pitched. A small part of his brain is coming to see that what Lin just said is true, but the rest of him can't believe that yet. In direct contrast to his confirmation, Alex involuntarily takes another step backwards.

Lin’s face drops at this response, but he still presses on in the conversation.

“So, for once you don’t have any appointments or social workers coming to bug you. Is there anything in particular you’d like to do today? Something fun, maybe?”

Alex merely shrugs and chews nervously on his lip. He doesn’t know how to answer that. 

“Would you have any interest in playing chess with me this morning?”

“Chess?” Alex repeats stupidly, caught off guard.

“Yeah, I found my old set while doing some unpacking yesterday. Do you know how to play? I used to love it when I was your age.”

Alex just stares. Lin always seems to be finding ways to take him by surprise with these random curveballs. They aren’t ever bad, but the unexpected makes him nervous.

“You don’t, then?” cuts in Lin. “I can teach you how to play. It will be fun!”

Alex knows how to play chess. When he was little his Mom had taught him and in primary school he and his best friend Ned had spent most of their break periods trying to best each other at it. A lifetime ago Alex had been looking forward to joining the high school chess team on Nevis when he was old enough. That had been two years ago, before his life had fallen apart, but it feels a million years away. He wouldn’t mind playing again.

“I-I… need to change f-first,” Alex stutters, gesturing to his pajamas. The stutter makes him cringe; he never used to do that before.

“No need for that. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m still in my pajamas. I put on pants to take Tobi out, but changed back into my pajama bottoms while you were in the shower. It’s Saturday, we’re not going anywhere or doing anything noteworthy. Since you arrived Tuesday night, not a day has gone by where you haven’t been dragged off to some appointment or other that you didn’t have a say in. Today that’s not happening. We’re going to try to just be,” Lin declares, a little overdramatically.

Alex is okay with that. Spending the day pretending to be a part of their cute little family is a perfectly acceptable weekend plan. It’s probably the best he’s had in years.

“Does that work for you Alex?”

“S-sure.”

“So, pajama day?”

“Ummm… okay?” So much for getting out of these ridiculous pajamas. Now he’s stuck in them all day.

Not sure what else to do, Alex finds one of Lin’s old oversized sweatshirts from the box of clothes that he pulls over the pajama top. Now at least only the bottoms are visible.

“Are you cold Alex?” asks Lin anxiously.

Alex nods, even though that’s not at all true. It seems better to just go along with it.

“I’ll turn the heat up for you. Now, do you want to get started now, or do you want some time alone in your room first?”

Translation: Do you need time to pull yourself together because you just freaked the fuck out over nothing, you weirdo? 

“Now’s fine,” Alex replies, simply because he doesn’t want Lin thinking any less of him than he likely does already.

Because Alex had accidentally led Lin to believe he didn’t know how to play, their game of chess ends up being one of the most ridiculous games he has ever played. Alex can tell that Lin is delighted at the prospect of teaching it to him, so he just goes along with it, nodding and playing dumb as Lin explains the rules and all the pieces to him in intense detail. So as not to hurt Lin’s feelings, during the actual game Alex has to pretend not to know what he’s doing, which is made all the more ridiculous since he can tell that Lin is also going out of his way to go easy on him. It would be so easy just to crush him and win the game in a matter of minutes, but instead he holds himself back, which makes the game so much harder than if he had just played for real. It is fun though, especially when Alex throws in the occasional well thought-out move just to watch Lin brim with pride at his apparent teaching skills.

Eventually, Lin gives up at leaving his king wide open for Alex to take and inevitably puts Alex’s king in a check mate.

“You did so good,” Lin praises as they clean up the game. “We’ll have to play again soon. It’s only a matter of time before you end up beating me!”

Alex genuinely smiles back in return. He likes the idea of working out how to show his progress in a way that is impressive, but believable. Doing that is its own game of chess in its own way and he loves those kinds of mental challenges. Alex doubts ever having the courage to do it, but it would also be so much fun to one day pull the rug out from under Lin and give it everything he’s got just to see his reaction. He won’t have the time to work up to that point either, as Alex’s days with the Mirandas are numbered. The very thought wipes the smile right off his face. 

“Are you okay, Alex? You looked really sad all of a sudden there.”

“I’m okay. Just a bit tired.” It’s not a complete lie. Alex would give anything for a bit of coffee right now.

“Do you want to watch a movie then? Maybe a Disney movie? That’s my favorite thing to do on lazy Saturday mornings.”

“Okay,” Alex agrees. He’s not exactly going to say no to any of Lin’s suggestions.

“Have you seen The Little Mermaid?” Lin asks enthusiastically.

Alex pauses for a second before answering, trying to figure out what answer Lin wants to hear. He’d really appeared to enjoy ‘teaching’ him to play chess, so Alex guesses that Lin would enjoy getting to share what appears to be an important movie to Lin with him for the first time. So Alex shakes his head even though he’d already seen it dozens of times when he was little.

That was the right answer, since Lin’s face positively lights up with delight.

“Oh my god, you haven’t? Just you wait kid, this movie is going to knock your socks off!”

\--------

After putting the movie on, Lin prepares a bottle for Sebastian and then settles down in the armchair to feed him. He relishes in the opportunity to spend time with both boys while Vanessa attends to lawyery things, especially as neither one has seen it before. Yes, Sebastian is still way too young for this to even form a memory, but this is his first chance to have such music ingrained in his consciousness. And Alex is viewing this for the very first time! Since he has it memorized at this point, Lin is probably going to be spending more time watching Alex for his reactions than he will the actual movie.

The more time Lin spends with Alex, the more he comes to an alarming realization: he is really starting to become attached. Lin very much enjoys Alex’s company, whether he is teaching him how to play chess, curling up on opposite sides of the living room watching his favorite movie, or even just having breakfast in the morning with him and Vanessa as a family unit. It feels familiar, as if this were the way things were always supposed to be. Such attachment and familiarity are feelings that he absolutely shouldn’t be having.

When they get to the part where Sebastian the crab sings “Under the Sea”, Lin watches Alex carefully, hoping to see just a glimmer of the reaction he’d had when he was watching it for the first time at nine years old. It doesn’t come though, and Alex watches that scene with the same lethargic but mildly- interested expression that he’s been watching the movie with since it started. Lin finds this somewhat devastating, which in turn alarms him since he shouldn’t care if Alex cares about the same things he does as if he were his own son. It shouldn’t matter.

Interestingly, what does seem to spark Alex’s interest far more is watching Lin interact with baby Sebastian, as Lin stares lovingly at him while he drinks from the bottle, burps him and then makes faces at him. Alex watches this as if it’s the most interesting thing in the world, which is crazy because “The Little Mermaid”, which Alex is seeing for the very first time, is playing just feet away from him. Alex is staring at them with a look of almost longing. Is Alex really just that interested in babies (which wouldn’t shock him, Alex’s other interests are odd), or is this something deeper?

“Alex, would you like to hold Sebastian?” Lin asks completely out of the blue, having suddenly been struck with the idea.

Alex’s mouth drops open and he stares at him utterly dumbfounded. It takes nearly a minute of awkward silence before Alex slowly shakes his head.

“Are you sure?” Alex’s facial expressions seem to say otherwise.

“He’s so little,” Alex whispers, face filled with uncertainty.

“I could show you how to hold him to support his neck if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Again, Alex shakes his head, this time more frantically and with a look of mild panic that tells Lin to back off. Clearly offering that to him was too much too soon.

As Lin leans back in the chair to enjoy the rest of the movie with Sebastian on his chest, he has to question the logic behind that emotionally-charged offer. This is his son he’s talking about, who is not yet two weeks old, that he was offering to a teenage boy he hardly even knows. Not having seen his file, Lin has no idea what his history is, if he has a history of violence or if he’s even psychologically stable. He still doesn’t know what’s going on with Alex’s nighttime episodes. His guess is that they are nightmares that trigger a severe anxiety attack, but there is still a chance that Alex is having full-on psychotic episodes with hallucinations. Logically there is no reason Lin should trust such a boy to hold his only son for even a moment, yet there is a part of him that does. It’s the part of him, that he’s doing everything in his power to surpass, that is starting to fall in love with this boy.

\---------------

“Excellent Alex! Now we just need to mix in the hazelnuts and then we’ll be ready to form it into balls to put on the cookie tray.”

As Lin wakes up to his wife’s voice, he opens his eyes and finds himself lying flat on his back on the couch with Sebastian sleeping facedown on his chest. Waking up in odd nap positions to his Vanessa’s voice is turning into the day’s theme, it seems.

He carefully gets up and carries his son to his nursery to allow him to finish his nap in the basinet, before going down to the kitchen to see what his wife and Alex are up to. He finds them both at the kitchen island, surrounded by a mess of chocolate all over the place as they mix the ingredients together in a bowl. Lin spots an empty jar of Nutella on the counter and breaks into a grin. Of course his wife would teach Alex how to make Nutella cookies!

“Hi Lin! You’ve been out for ages,” Vanessa greets him cheerfully. To Lin’s utter delight, Alex also gives him a shy smile in greeting.

“I woke up on the couch. How did I get there?” The last thing he remembers he and Seb were in the armchair.

Vanessa smirks at him. “After the movie ended, I woke you up enough to convince you to move, but I think you were still half asleep when you did. You two have been dead to the world for a good three hours. Did you know you’ve been sleeping with your mouth wide open? Alex and I took some pictures of you!”

Vanessa holds out her cell phone proudly, while Alex looks stricken.

“I didn’t,” he whispers.

“Okay, fine, you’re right. It was all me. You have great timing Lin, since we were just about to sample some of the cookie dough before baking it.”

“We were?” Alex asks, eyes wide as if the very idea of doing so were a revelation.

“Of course, silly. Eating the cookie dough is the best part of making cookies from scratch.” She removes the spatula from the bowl and, after making sure it had enough cookie dough on it, hands it to Alex. “Here, lick that off for me,” Vanessa order with a look of smug satisfaction.

The look on Alex’s face is absolutely priceless. It’s so hard not to outright laugh at him right now, as he stares down at the spatula in his hand as though it were an alien object.

“Come on, Alex. I need to know if it tastes alright before I put the cookies in the oven. I’m awaiting your report.”

Once again, Lin marvels at the incredible parenting instincts she shows in regards to Alex. Making cookies hadn’t just been a fun activity- it was a means of tricking him into taking in more calorie-dense food, presented to him in a way that left little room for argument. She really is amazing.

As Alex takes a few tentative bites, Vanessa pulls out spoons for the two of them to enjoy some of the cookie dough as well, both to help Alex feel less awkward about it and for the general deliciousness.

“Well, what do you think Alex? Does it taste okay?”

“Yeah, i-it’s good,” Alex says nervously. He still appears a little confused by what just happened. He really is quite adorable.

“Excellent! Let’s get those cookie in the oven then. Now, while we wait for them to bake I’d really appreciate some help unpacking the rest of my law textbooks. Do you think you could help me sort through them?”

Alex’s eyes light up at this and he nods enthusiastically. It was a good guess on her part that the kid who is so fascinated by an economic policy book would also be excited by lawyer books. 

“I think I’ll pass on this one,” Lin chimes in, even though the invitation wasn’t directed at him. “I’ve got work e-mails from The Public’s producers to catch up on.”

“Fine, be that way. I don’t need you, anyway. I have Alex.”

After retrieving his laptop from his office, Lin chooses to bring it to the living room so he can stealthily observe Vanessa and Alex together. As Vanessa pulls out each book to hand to Alex to sort, she describes it to Alex in specific detail and how it relates to different cases she’s worked on. Alex hangs off her every word, absolutely enamored by what she has to say. He’s way more interested in that than Lin’s Disney musical. Figures.

When the timer beeps to signal that the cookies are ready to come out, they haven’t made much headway in actually getting them onto the shelf, but Alex is sitting on the floor surrounded by a pile of books that he’s looking at as if they were precious treasure.

“Hey, while I go get the cookies out and get them on a plate for us, how about you take some of the ones you’re most interested in to your room to look at later?”

Looking up from his e-mails (not twitter…), Lin can’t help but grin at the look of absolute delight on Alex’s face as he grabs a handful of the most densely technical texts from her collection to squirrel away in his room. This kid is just so darn quirky and Lin loves him for it.

Alex still looks uncharacteristically cheerful when Vanessa calls him back, but his face falls when he sees all the cookies she has brought out to the dining room table for him. As Alex hesitantly sits down with her, he goes as far as to glance over at Lin from across the room as if asking for help. Lin merely shrugs in return. Vanessa’s instincts on all things Alex have all been good up to this point- he’s curious to see where she’s going with this and is happy to observe without interfering.

“Now Alex, I’m guessing you already know this, but just in case, make sure you don’t give any of this to Tobi. There is chocolate in these, so it could make her really sick,” Vanessa tells him casually as she loads up Alex’s plate with multiple cookies.

Alex looks positively stricken by this, which Lin finds rather odd. Does Vanessa know something that he doesn’t, or was that just a throwaway comment that Alex is having an unusual reaction to? He’s looking at the plate in front of him with increasing horror; they’ve never given him so much food before.

“Don’t worry hon, I’m not expecting you to eat all of it. Just try a couple for me.” Vanessa pushes the plate closer towards Alex, making him squirm from the pressure she’s putting on him.

Lin goes back to his e-mails, but continues to observe Alex out of the corner of his eye as he nibbles his way through his first cookie. Lin is equally concerned and saddened to see that he does not at all appear to be enjoying it. The kid’s relationship with food is certainly problematic.

After finishing the first one, he gives Vanessa a look that’s so far reserved just for her, of one seeking approval. She smiles encouragingly at him, but this time does not relent.

“Try one more.”

With a sigh, Alex picks up a second cookie and takes a bite of it, before quickly setting it back down again. “I can’t,” he whimpers.

“Oh come on Alex, just finish that second one and I’ll let you off the hook. It’s good, don’t tell me you don’t like it?”

“I do.”

“Then come on, just a few more bites. It’s just a cookie. It’s not going to hurt you.”

Alex relents and takes another small mouthful. He looks so uncomfortable, but Lin doesn’t want to interfere, so he just lets Vanessa handle it. He observes closely as Alex gags a few times and is just about to say something when Alex sets the cookie back down again, now looking near tears.

“Please don’t make me eat anymore. I don’t want to throw up. Please?” Alex sounds so desperate.

“You feel like you might?”

Alex nods miserably.

“Do you need to get to the bathroom?” Lin cuts in from his spot on the couch, already putting aside his laptop so he can jump up to help him if needed.

Alex swallows a few times and grimaces in discomfort, but then shakes his head.

“I’ll be okay,” he whispers. Alex doesn’t look it though, he looks like he’s fighting to keep that one cookie down with everything in his power. Meanwhile Vanessa just looks crestfallen.

Lin hates to admit it, but a small part of him is relieved that he’s not the only one having parental fails with Alex. Up until this point he had been feeling as though Vanessa could do no wrong, while he was an absolute mess. Later in the day they’re going to have to do some research on nutrition following periods of intermittent starvation, since Alex not being able to tolerate even a few cookies is rather extreme.

“Here, how about you lay down on the couch for a bit; it might help settle your stomach. I can see if I can get you a heating pad,” Lin says as he gets up off the couch and gestures Alex over. He complies with a somewhat perplexed expression on his face.

“I’ll get you the trashcan just in case,” Vanessa adds, rushing to the kitchen to do so. “I’m so sorry Alex, I shouldn’t have pushed you so much. Next time I’ll listen to you.”

“Are you still nauseous?” Lin cuts in before Alex has a chance to respond. Alex opens his mouth to answer, but can’t seem to get the words out as he hesitantly lies down on the couch, appearing a little overwhelmed by all the attention on him.

Lin is about to get him a blanket and pillow, since Alex looks so tired, but then stops himself. Both nights Alex had his nightmares were preceded by him either taking a nap during the day or going to bed extremely early after feeling unwell. It could be a coincidence, but it’s enough of a pattern to suggest that it might be better to keep him awake.

“How about I put on more West Wing for you? Where are you in it now?”

Reverting back to old habits, Alex holds up two fingers.

“You’re on season two?” Lin guesses.

Alex nods in confirmation, as Vanessa brings over a hastily located heating pad for his stomach.

“In just five days? That’s an impressive level of binge-watching kid. Can I join you? This season has some of the best episodes.”

\-----------------------------------------------------

Once Alex’s stomach finally settles and he’s able get out of his position curled up miserably on the couch, Lin finally leaves him alone. Alex is relieved for the attention to be off him and can return to his economics book. The entire time they watched TV together, Lin would not stop talking. It was at such a point that he’s probably going to have to re-watch the episode later, since he couldn’t follow everything with Lin’s constant chatter. Alex likes the guy, but he could seriously do with an off switch. People used to say the same thing about him, but now he knows better than to run that risk.

Alex is more or less left to his own devices for the rest of the afternoon, which is fine by him. Vanessa’s history of economic policy book is a new favorite of his and Alex is more than happy to lose himself in it. While he’s reading it, Alex actually feels at peace, for which just might be the first time in years. That feeling is not going to last long, so he needs to enjoy it while it lasts.

About an hour into this, Alex is interrupted by an odd sound coming from Lin’s office. When he puts down the book and takes a few steps forward to investigate he realizes that what he’s hearing is Lin singing to himself. Isn’t he supposed to be working?

Alex stands hesitantly outside the office door long enough for the singing to stop and for Lin to switch to muttering to himself as well as footsteps in what sounds like pacing around his office. Alex is mildly alarmed by this and promptly backs away. Is it possible that Lin is not quite sane? Maybe that is the other shoe he’s been waiting to drop. Is Lin like his cousin Peter? If so, that’s not the worst thing in the world—living with Peter hadn’t been too bad just… temporary. It’s that way with the Mirandas anyway, so why should that matter? Lin seems stable enough most other times, so Alex tries not to worry about it. Lord knows, he’s got enough to worry about at it is.

To distract himself from those worries that are threatening to bubble up in his chest, Alex focuses his attention on Tobi, who has recently taken to following him around the apartment. It’s probably just because he secretly feeds her food from the table, a habit he’s going to have to stop now that Vanessa is on to him. Alex bends down to scratch her head and quickly switches to wrapping his arms around her and burying his face into her fur to try to settle the constant panic he’s been feeling since Lin’s talk with his social worker on Friday. Alex hopes Tobi still likes him even after he stops feeding her table scraps. In just a few short days he’s really become quite fond of the silly mutt. Maybe the new family will have a dog?

At the very thought, Alex can practically feel his entire body turn to ice in an intense wave of anxiety. He’s been trying so hard not to think about the Lytton’s, but they are constantly there, just below the surface of his subconscious. The woman he couldn’t even bring himself to look at while curled up in the backseat of the social services car had been sweet when she tried to talk to him, but they always were in the presence of social workers. He had gotten insanely lucky with the Mirandas—it’s not likely it’s going to happen again.

As the anxiety builds his still-queasy stomach seizes painfully and suddenly Alex is tripping over himself as he sprints to the bathroom, barely making it in time before throwing up into the toilet. Thankfully Alex has barely eaten anything all day, or really for weeks, so it’s more of a one and done situation. He brings up just one mouthful of Nutella cookie mush, before repeatedly dry heaving until his anxiety simmers down to slightly more manageable levels. 

Once done and lying trembling on the bathroom floor, Alex listens carefully for any sign that the Mirandas heard that. All he can hear is Lin’s voice singing “you’re welcome!” over and over again, just loud enough to cover up any sound of his quiet panic attack. Good. After all the effort Vanessa put into getting the extra calories in him and then both of them put into helping him keep it down, he doesn’t want them to know their efforts were literally flushed down the toilet just because he’s freaking out about leaving the relative safety of their home. It’s bad enough that he’s eating their food, taking up their space and time, without him wasting it as well and worrying them needlessly.

The Mirandas have been so kind to him, even though he is surely a huge inconvenience. Alex is well aware that his presence is drawing focus from their actual newborn son, which is not at all okay. Even if Alex wanted to stay with them, it’s not an option. When the weekend ends he’s going to have to leave. At this thought, Alex’s stomach seizes again and he lunges for the toilet, this time bringing up small amounts of Nutella- laced stomach fluid. Grimacing, Alex flushes away all evidence of his loss of control and gingerly stands up to rinse his mouth out in the sink.

He wishes he could stay.

\----------

The afternoon goes exceedingly well. Lin had been worried when Alex had taken ill, but he recovered quickly from the cookie incident and cheerfully returned to his quirky reading. With everyone doing well, Lin is able to retreat to his office and get some writing done for both Hamilton and Moana. It was one of the most productive writing sessions he’d had in a while.

When he calls it a day and comes out he finds Alex in the same spot that he left him, curled up in the same corner of the couch that he always does, nose deep in a book. Lin is somewhat alarmed to realize that he’s already starting to think of that corner as ‘Alex’s spot’. Vanessa has also joined him on the opposite end of the couch, reading one of her beloved space fiction novels. The two of them are quite cute together.

When Alex glances up from the book to look at him, Lin is hoping to get another smile in greeting, but this time it doesn’t come. Lin tries to push away his disappointment as he studies the boy. He’s looking rather forlorn and lethargic. A quiet day in sounded like just the thing Alex needed, but maybe he’s spent a little too much time stuck inside the apartment.

“I’m going to take Tobi for her afternoon walk. How about you come with me, Alex? It might do you good to get some fresh air.”

Last time he’d asked it had been a hard no, but Lin’s relationship with Alex is now in a very different place than it was on Wednesday.

Alex doesn’t say anything, instead opening and closing his mouth a few times as he glances back and forth between him and Vanessa, with a look of someone performing rapid mental calculations. Lin feels his heart sink as he realizes that the answer is no and Alex is trying to figure out how to turn him down. He still doesn’t trust him.

“I have an idea,” chimes in Vanessa. “How about we all go? I can get Sebastian in his stroller and we can have a little family outing at the park. How does that sound Alex?”

Lin takes note of the way Alex winces at the word family, yet after a moment of hesitation he nods in agreement.

“C-can I change out of my p-pajamas first?”

Lin grins at him, not sure if that was a joke or not. It kills him that Alex doesn’t trust him enough to go on a walk without Vanessa present, but this is still progress.

\------

Their walk around the neighborhood is lovely. They don’t make it all the way to the park because after just going a few blocks Alex becomes worryingly pale, and after having to stop to catch his breath a few times, hesitantly admits to feeling a little lightheaded. They end up turning around and coming back the way they came since the poor kid just isn’t eating enough to be able to tolerate much physical activity.

Yet even despite their increased worry for Alexander’s health, they still have a delightful time in what is truly their first family outing with all members present. Having Alex along for the ride makes it all the more special. It really does feel like they are a complete family unit, like they are temporarily flash-forwarding to what their family will be like a in a few years after having a second child.

On the way back home Tobi spots a squirrel and goes bat-shit crazy, nearly toppling Alex over as she pulls on the leash he’s holding in her effort to get to it. Seeing this initially worries him, since Alex is already a little unsteady on his feet, but then Alex breaks into a full-on laugh at her antics. Having never heard him laugh before, hearing that is music to his ears and Lin’s heart swells with so much joy that he almost tears up. Seeing as Alex’s rare smile fills him with delight, his first laugh practically turns him to mush.

Lin’s really feeling that _Dear Theodosia_ line right now: “When you smile, I fall apart.” When it comes to Alex, that could not be more true, which tells him two very important things. One is that despite his best efforts, he is now fully attached to Alex. The other is that come Monday, he’s going to have his heart broken big time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to give special recognition to my beta ImLostForever for this chapter since almost all of the ideas for this chapter - game of chess, Little Mermaid, cookie baking, hearing Lin compose, family walk- came from her. Heck, during the stories original conception I wasn’t even going to write the weekend chapters and just gloss over them as “uneventful’, but she convinced me otherwise.


	10. Sunday: Day 6

** Sunday: Day 6 **

Lin is so happy when he wakes up Sunday morning after a night that had gone so well. Being a newborn, Sebastian had still woken them up a few times, but his cries had been minimal and he was easily soothed by having his immediate needs met. Most significantly though, they hadn’t heard a peep from Alex all night. Overall, it was the best and most restful night Lin’s had since becoming a dad.

As he walks Tobi around the neighborhood on her early-morning walk, Lin starts making plans for the day. As is becoming a theme for him, his thoughts go to Alexander, though today they’re centered specifically on his clothes. The teen’s lack of a wardrobe or any other possessions has been one of the many things that have been eating at him since the moment Alex had first walked through his door. Lin’s old clothes have been working out well, but they’re still not good enough. If Alex is going to be leaving them soon, possibly as early as tomorrow, he would like Alex to come away from his time with them with more than just a box of outdated clothes and the economics book that they will obviously be giving him.

Back on Wednesday when first confronted with this problem, Lin had come to the conclusion that there was absolutely no way Alexander could handle a shopping trip, but quite a lot has changed since then.  Lin now has a lot more faith in Alex and his ability to cope.

Having made the decision that he needs to at least try taking Alex clothes shopping today, he sends a text to Chris. After all his mistakes so far, he’d like a bit of advice on how best to go about doing it in a way that would be least likely to freak Alex out.

_Lin: Question for you- when you take CJ to the mall to buy clothes, what do you do logistically to keep things calm._

He gets a reply within just a few minutes.

_Chris: Go early in the morning ten minutes or so before the stores even open and go in as soon as they do when it’s still quiet. Or walk around for a while and find the least crowded store to go into. This for Alexander?_

_Lin: Yeah, and it’s badly needed._

_Chris: You sure you’re up for it? Do you want me to come along?_

Lin would love that. Having the support of someone who actually knows what they’re doing would make such a difference. Yet Alex would probably not do well with a new person, especially another male. If this undertaking is even possible it will have to be on his own.

_Lin: I don’t think Alex would like that. If I can even convince Alex to go, we’ll manage._

_Chris: Good luck! How is he doing btw?_

_Lin: Much better. I’m quite fond of the kid. Worryingly so._

_Chris: Oh boy… I was afraid that might happen. How much longer do you have him?_

_Lin: The move is likely happening within the next day or two._

_Chris: I’ll be here for you when it happens. Call or stop by anytime you need it._

_Lin: Thanks_

Thank goodness for Chris. Lin has already come to terms with the knowledge that he’s going to require a fair amount of emotional support after handing Alex over to the Lyttons. Though it doesn’t lesson his anxiety or sadness about that looming event, it is comforting to know that such help is readily available.

When Lin returns from his walk, Alex is already awake and helping Vanessa get breakfast ready: homemade waffles for him and Vanessa and toast and applesauce for Alex.  After doing some research online last night, they had decided to try Alex on the BRAT diet for a few days to see if it helped with his stomach issues. It’s recommended by doctors following a bad stomach bug and consists of just mild food: bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. It’s worth a shot, at least, and anything that gets Alex to eat is definitely a good thing.

It’s not until they all sit down at the table to eat that Lin gets a good look at Alex’s appearance and is abruptly alarmed. The deep-set bags have returned under Alex’s eyes in full force this morning—the boy looks absolutely exhausted, prompting Lin to rethink his previous celebration of Alex’s good night; he sure doesn’t look like he’d had one. Is it possible that Alex had another screaming episode during the night that he and Vanessa managed to sleep through? They hadn’t been up with Sebastian as much as they usually were, so if Alex had reduced his volume they very well could have. Lin has been tired enough lately that it’s possible he could have slept through it. They don’t have a baby monitor for him like they do for Seb. The very thought of Alex screaming and having no one come to at least try to help him is quite sobering.

“Did you sleep okay last night Alex?”

Alex looks down and gives his trademark half-shrug of his non-broken shoulder.

“Did you have any nightmares?”

“No, I didn’t.”

Alex raises his head to meet his gaze for this and says it with such conviction that Lin believes him. It raises another question though: did Alex sleep? If that is the case, he can’t fault Alex for wanting to escape them for the night. If Lin was having nightmares at anywhere near the intensity of Alex’s he would be afraid to sleep too. Alex had also brought more than enough of V’s law books into his room to keep himself occupied all night. It makes sense- it just doesn’t make Lin feel any better about the backtracking they seem to be making in this area. Alex had looked so much better just a few days ago. It’s like it’s always one step forward, two steps back with this kid.

“Are you tired, Alex?” Vanessa asks gently.

“A little,” Alex mumbles into his lap with another half-shrug.

“Do you want to go back to bed and sleep in a few more hours?”

Alex shakes his head forcefully at this. That must be it then—Alex doesn’t _want_ to sleep. 

“You wouldn’t be interested in any coffee then, would you?” Lin asks, more because he can’t think of any other way to help him than anything else.

“Lin, I really don’t think that is-“ Vanessa begins before Alex cuts her off.

“Yes! Yes please! I would love some!”

Lin can’t hold back a laugh at that response. Hearing Alex show some enthusiasm for anything, and even a hint of brashness, is wonderful.

“Sorry V, that’s two against one. Alex gets coffee.”

Lin quickly pours Alex a cup and relishes in the wide-eyed look of awe the boy gives it and the way he almost greedily takes a big first sip.

“You’re going to burn yourself, kiddo. Careful.”

“I like it hot,” Alex murmurs in between gulps.

Despite being overruled, even Vanessa has to smile at Alex’s enthusiastic reaction. If coffee is one way they can make Alex’s life a little happier, they will gladly provide it in mass quantities.

“How long have you been drinking coffee for?”

“I started when I was twelve. I love it.”

That much is obvious.

“Not a subscriber to the coffee stunts your growth old wives’s tale, huh?”

“I’m already small.”

That he definitely is. Lately Lin has been wondering how much of it is from natural  petiteness and how much is halted growth due to neglect and malnutrition. It would be interesting to see how much growth would occur further down the line, once his nutritional needs are fully met. Not that he’s going to get to see that. It would just be interesting.

“Hey Alex, I know you already ate your toast, but I’ll make you a deal. If you eat half a banana for me as well, I’ll pour you another cup of coffee when you finish that one.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Deal!” Alex’s eyes light up in excitement and he quickly downs the rest of the coffee in his mug. “Can I eat it now?”

“Sure!” That’s a request Lin is more than happy to meet. Alex grimaces in discomfort a few times as he eats the banana Lin gets for him, but he eats all of it and doesn’t show any other outward signs of nausea. Combined with what he had previously eaten, the banana makes it the biggest meal Alex has had with them so far. It’s still not much, but a wonderful step in the right direction. Hurray for coffee bribery.

The smile that Alex flashes him when Lin refills his mug is so genuine that Lin can practically feel himself melt. This kid and his quiet charm are going to be his undoing. Under different circumstances where Alex were really his son, that would be a big problem, since Lin’s not sure how he could ever say no to him. 

Lin wants to give this kid the world, but for now he’s going to have to stick with his previous plan of just a decent wardrobe. It’s a start.

“Alex, I have a proposition for you.”

He raises an eyebrow in answer. He’s probably hoping it involves more coffee.

“How would you like to come to the mall with me today?”

Alex blanches a little at this. That was clearly not the answer he was expecting, yet Lin is encouraged to see that Alex doesn’t look fearful at the suggestion.

“Um… why?”

“I have some things I want to pick up. Most importantly, I want to get you some clothes from this decade. I’d like them to fit so it would be helpful if you came, plus I would appreciate the company.”

“Okay.”

Lin is surprised by how easy that was. He had been expecting convincing him to be more like pulling teeth.

“Alex honey, do you understand that it would just be you and Lin?” Vanessa asks, while flashing Lin an apologetic look.  “Sebastian is still too little to be out in such a confined space with strangers and their germs. I’ll have to stay home with him. Is that okay with you?”

Alex goes quiet for a moment, his face unreadable, and Lin’s heart sinks. It’s going to be just like his request to go on a walk with him yesterday all over again.

“It won’t just be the two of us though, not really. We’ll be out in a public space the entire time. We can also get more coffee while we’re out,” Lin adds somewhat desperately. This is something he so badly wants to be able to do for Alex.

“Yeah, okay,” Alex says at last, while nervously biting down on his lip. Lin is taken so off guard by this that he almost does a double take.

“Wait, really? You’re saying you’ll go?”

When Alex nods shyly in confirmation, Lin has to work hard to keep himself from crying with delight. This is a huge step for him.

“Are you sure Alex?” Vanessa probes one last time. “You know it’s okay to say no. We can have another quiet day in like yesterday.”

“I-It’s okay?” Alex says nervously, in more of a question than a statement. With each additional confirmation they’ve asked of him, Alex has appeared to become increasingly anxious. It’s probably time to change the station on that train of questioning before Alex starts to think this is all some elaborate trick.   

“Oh excellent! I’d much prefer to get you something you like, rather than just guessing. Do you have any shop or clothing style preferences?”

Alex says nothing, merely stares at him looking quite overwhelmed by it all. Okay Lin, time to back off before you turn the yes into a no.

“Do you want to go get ready now? My friend Chris said it’s better to go early before it gets too crowded. Maybe we can get a taxi in say, 20 minutes?”

Lin doubts Alex really needs that long since he’s already dressed and ready for the day, but he could certainly do with a little bit of time to himself free from questioning and pressure.

“Do you think this is a good idea?” Lin whispers to Vanessa anxiously once Alex disappears into his room.

“I think it’s remarkable that he said yes. Going out with him is certainly a risk, but it’s worth trying.”

“But maybe we switch roles? You could take him and I’ll stay home with Sebastian? He seems to do so much better with you. You’re better with him.”

“Yeah, but that’s just a gender thing. Alex is just less nervous around me and for good reason. But he said yes to you Lin. That’s a big deal and I think you should stick to the plan. Plus, more bonding time would do you both some good.”

Ah, so it’s back to that. Vanessa still thinks that if he and Alex get enough alone time together, he’ll change his mind about keeping him. What Vanessa doesn’t understand is that the reason Lin wants Alex to go with the experienced family isn’t because he lacks parental feelings towards him, it’s because of it.

\--------------

Alex comes out of his room in half the time Lin gave him to get ready, looking quite anxious about the whole thing. Lin can’t blame him for it, this is their first time going out in public together, he’s anxious too. If anything goes awry while they are out, Lin doesn’t have any plan on how to handle it. They’re totally flying blind here.

Lin considers him for a second, noting the way that Alex changed out of the rumpled hoodie he had been wearing at breakfast, into a slightly nicer sweater. Alex cares a lot about this going well as well. Glancing at his hair, Lin can tell that Alex had tried to tame it by running a wet comb through his hair, to moderate success. Despite his best attempt, it’s still shaggy and all over the place.

The state of Alexander’s hair is interesting. It’s not quite long enough to be intentionally long and Alex doesn’t seem like he’s going for any particular look. Having recently done so, Lin knows enough about growing your hair out to guess it’s been about seven months since Alex’s last haircut. It doesn’t seem coincidental that that’s how long he’d been with the last foster family.

“Alex, while we’re out, would you be interested in getting a haircut?”

The boy pauses a good minute before responding.

“Your hair is long,” he says slowly.

“Yes, I’ve been growing it out for a show.”

Alex raises a quizzical eyebrow at this.

“I’m an actor. Well, sometimes. I’m going to be the lead in an off-Broadway musical in a couple of months. It’s actually a show I wrote. That’s why I’m only an actor sometimes. I’m an actor/writer/composer/lyricist by trade.”

Alex blinks at him, seeming totally taken aback by this. They really haven’t shared anything about themselves with him.

“How off-Broadway?” he whispers in a tone suggesting a fear of being punished for offending.

“Like regular?” Lin is amused to realize that Alexander is probably assuming that off-Broadway is code for random show in someone’s basement. When the show opens at The Public in January, he’ll have to get social services to forward Alex and his new foster family tickets. That will take him totally off guard!

“So… i-is this why you’re so loud in your office? I heard you singing “you’re welcome” over and over earlier and…” Alex trails off, seeming to think he’s said too much.

“You were a little worried about my sanity, right? Sorry. That’s par for the course when you live with a writer. Vanessa is used to it by now and I didn’t think to control my volume. What you heard was a song for a new Disney movie I’m working on.”

“You’re hoping Disney will pick it up?”

Lin has to fight back a laugh at Alex’s skepticism. He’ll have to take Alex to the premiere of that too. He’s already making plans in his head to arrange to fly him to LA as a surprise, when he stops himself. Moana isn’t coming out for another two years. Does he really think that they’ll still be in contact that far down the line?  

“No, I really am working for them. Come to my office and I’ll show you the specs.”

Lin starts to lead the way over, but when he turns around he sees that Alex has gone rigid at the spot, his face filled with fear. Their relationship might be doing better now, yet this tells him that Alex is still not okay with being alone in a confined space with him. The large open-floor plan of the living room and combined dining room/kitchen appears to be the only place Alex has deemed safe to co-habit alone with Lin, that’s not also in a highly visible public space. They have come a long way since that first night, that much is clear. Still they are miles away from being at a place of genuine trust. Getting to that point with Alex would take weeks, months, even years, that they are not going to get. This much right here is probably as far as they’ll ever achieve. It’s just going to have to be enough.

“Never mind, we should probably get going,” Lin does his best to shrug it off as though not going to his office was his idea, not a result of Alex’s continued mistrust of him. “So, the haircut? You never said if it was a yes or a no.”

“No,” Alex mumbles at his shoes. “I think I’d like to grow it out. Maybe like yours?”

Whoa, did Alex really just say he wants the same hair as him? Okay, be cool Lin, don’t get emotional and freak him out. Despite all the swirling emotions Lin is feeling right now at that answer, he tries his best to play it off as though it’s nothing. 

“Alright, we’ll just get clothes then. If you don’t have anything in particular in mind we can just focus on basics: a few pairs of pants, sweaters, t-shirts and a comfortable pair of shoes. Sound good?”

Alex nods.

“Oh, and we should also be sure to pick you out something nice to wear for your meeting with the Lyttons tomorrow.”

In an instant Alex’s face changes, going from hesitant but willing, to something different, something dark. That had been the wrong thing to say. 

Alex’s entire mood changes after that. Though he dejectedly follows Lin out of the apartment, downstairs and outside the building to find a cab, he seems so closed-off now. Alex won’t talk to Lin or even look at him, let alone smile at him again. Lin has the feeling that with Alex’s current dark mood, it’s going to be a while before he’ll be seeing it again.

It’s enough to give Lin second thoughts about taking Alex out right now, but with it being the only chance he’s likely ever going to get what with Alex leaving soon, he nevertheless sticks to the plan and hails a taxi.

It’s going to be fine. 

 “Usnavi!” the cab driver shouts jubilantly at Lin as they get inside, causing an already twitchy Alex to just about jump out of his skin at the shout. 

Normally random moments of recognition like this are a joy. It doesn’t happen often enough to be a nuisance as he’s still mostly maintained his anonymity on the streets of NYC, it’s just that since _In the Heights_ every once in a while people randomly shout Usnavi at him. The problem is that Alex was not expecting it and is looking rather alarmed. 

“That’s you right? You’re the “In Washington Heights” guy?”

“Yeah, that’s right.” Lin actually finds himself blushing, not because he’s at all embarrassed by the occasional attention his first show got him anymore, but because he’s acutely aware that Alex has no idea what any of this is.

“Dude, that is so cool. I can’t believe I picked up the actual Heights guy in actual Washington Heights.”

Lin tries his best to change the subject by giving him their destination and attempting to discuss current events, but the guy just won’t let up with In the Heights talk.

“Hey, be cool man, I’ve got a kid with me,” Lin says at last, after watching Alex shrink further and further into the corner of the backseat the longer this goes on

“Oh sorry, I got a bit carried away. This a nephew of yours?” To Lin’s dismay, his attempt to redirect just turns the driver’s attention on Alex. 

“No, just a friend. We’re going on a shopping trip.”

Please, take the bait and talk about something else. No such luck, instead the man now turns to address Alex.

“Do you know who it is you’re with kid?”

Not at all surprisingly, Alex says nothing. Instead he turns away from the man and presses himself even further into the side door in an apparent attempt to fade away and disappear.

“Hey, what’s the matter, doesn’t he talk?”

“Sir, I really need you to leave him alone.”

“Only if I can get an autograph. I’ve got an old-school map in the glove compartment. You can sign the upper Manhattan section.”

Lin grudgingly does so and breathes a sigh of relief when they pull up to the mall. He wants to get Alex out of this situation as quickly as possible. The only upside of it is that the bizarreness of their cab encounter seems to have at least temporarily shaken Alex out of his brooding. Instead, when they climb out of the cab and walk the rest of the way to the mall entrance, he shoots Lin a look of utter bafflement.

“I’m so sorry, Alex. I’m guessing you’re wondering what all that was about”

A nod.

 “I told you I’m an actor—it’s mostly theatre stuff so I rarely get recognized, but when I do it’s by die-hard theatre geeks. Occurrences like that are rare. Are you okay?”

“Who’s Usnavi?” Alex asks quietly in reply.

“He’s a character I played five years ago. I’m not really known for anything else, so another occurrence like that is unlikely to happen again.”

Lin knowingly tries to downplay the extent of it so as not to overwhelm Alex. So he doesn’t mention that he wrote the show, that it was on Broadway or that it won him a Tony. That cab encounter was enough for Alex to deal with as it was.  

“You’re sure you’re okay?”

“Uh huh.”

Lin breathes a sigh of relief that Alex wasn’t too unduly affected by the incident. Then they enter the mall and his heart sinks. Most of the stores haven’t even opened yet, but already the mall is crowded with people. Chris’s advice about going early had likely been sound… during any other time of year. Currently it’s the last week of November, a week after Thanksgiving and full-on Christmas shopping has begun. Lin should have realized that this would be a problem and that the whole plan would be turned on its head.

Lin momentarily considers aborting the whole plan and just going home, after all- everything that could go wrong seems to be doing so, but then he convinces himself otherwise. They are already here, after all. Despite his concern that this might end badly, Lin convinces himself he’s being silly. Alex had been attending NYC public school as recently as last week. There’s no reason to think he wouldn’t be okay with crowds.

It will be fine.

\------------------------------

Alex is having a hard time keeping up with the morning’s events. Between Vanessa “waking him up” and explaining to him his new diet plan, suddenly getting access to coffee, Lin wanting to take him shopping and that alarming cab experience, Alex’s mind is reeling. Everything’s been happening so fast and it’s a lot to take in for someone who’s gone over 24 hours without sleep. That’s probably the reason he’d said yes to Lin in the first place; he’d just been too tired to think of a reason to say no to Lin that wouldn’t hurt his feelings. Saying yes just sounded like the safer option, especially since the chances of Lin trying anything in public were far smaller than in the privacy of their apartment. Alex has been in foster care long enough to know that the most horrible people to live with always went out of their way to project a perfect, squeaky-clean public image. Besides that, Alex can’t help but like Lin and legitimately hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings.

Despite all these rational reasons for saying yes, it all still freaks him out. As Alex walks in time with Lin, first to the cab and then to the mall, his broken nervous system is screaming at him that this is a bad idea, that it isn’t safe and that he needs to get away. Alex tries his best to squash the feeling down, but it’s hard. Right now, it feels as though the blood pumping through his veins consists entirely of adrenaline and caffeine. After going over a year without having any, drinking as much coffee as Alex did this morning was probably a bad idea.

With that in mind, Alex probably shouldn’t have accepted the to-go coffee Lin buys him upon first entering the crowded mall, but he does anyway because he loves coffee. Purely on autopilot, Alex manages to drink all of it before they even leave the coffee shop. The clothing store Lin leads him to next has so many people inside. Granted, the entire mall appears to be that way, but in Alex’s heightened state, it feels as though this one is the most jam-packed with strangers. 

As they enter the store, all Alex can think about is that they are there to buy ‘something nice’ for him to wear for the new foster family. Something _nice_. Something that will make him look good. Lin had wanted to get him a haircut too, to make him look more presentable. It’s like he’s trying to increase his desirability to better be rid of him. Alex doesn’t want to look more desirable. He feels much more comfortable in his current raggedy oversized clothes and shaggy hair. It just feels safer.

Alex feels his own heartbeat in his head in time with the nauseatingly cheerful Christmas music. There are so many people here and they are here to buy something _nice._ He feels detached from himself, like he’s observing this teenage boy (him) and a strange but kind man (Lin) in the store from a distance and he’s telling the kid to pull his shit together, but the message isn’t getting through. It feels as though he’s going crazy and the very thought of that increases his panic.  His thoughts are moving too fast, he can’t separate one from the other. There are so many people here, and in cramped quarters amid all the racks of clothes with nowhere to go. The racks of nice clothes he’s getting for the Lyttons. To look nice for the Lyttons. It feels like the room is getting smaller and smaller.

\---------------------

“Is there anything in particular you’d like to look at first Alex?” Lin asks while absentmindedly thumbing through some youth button-up dress shirts. The tricky part is going to be finding something that fits him. Just by glancing at the smallest size in the teen section, he’s worried that it’s still going to be too big. They would probably have more luck in a kids’ clothing store, but Lin doesn’t want to embarrass him.

As Lin contemplates this dilemma, it takes him a second to realize that Alex isn’t responding to him. That isn’t exactly atypical, so that doesn’t cause him much alarm, until he glances up and sees Alex standing in front of him with his body totally rigid.

Shit.

“Alex?”

When Alex again fails to respond Lin quickly maneuvers his body so he can see his face. Alex’s facial expression is one of pure terror, lips trembling and his eyes wide and unblinking. It is only now that Lin is aware of just how loud the music is and how many people are around them. This is too much, this is way too much. How could he have been so stupid not to have realized that sooner?

“Hey bud, let’s step outside for a bit.” Lin tries nonchalantly, hoping not to call any more attention to the kid’s obvious panic than necessary.

Alex doesn’t move, he just keeps starting straight ahead, looking as though he’s just seen a ghost. Lin can’t help but feel a flickering moment of frustration that something as simple as clothes shopping has to turn into an ordeal, but he does his best to wipe that feeling away. Right now, he just needs to focus on getting Alex out of here as quickly as possible.

“Come on Alex, let’s go.” Lin instinctively places a gentle hand on the kid’s back to usher him out.

Bad move.

Alex reacts instantly, jumping out of the way, throwing his hands up over his head defensively and shrieking. As Alex jerks violently out of the way, he collides heavily with a rack of clothes, sending it toppling to the floor with a loud bang that causes Alex to scream yet again in terror, loud enough to carry and echo around the store. Now all eyes are on them. Lin holds up his hands, both for Alex’s sake and for all the strangers who are currently trying to decide if he’s causing the boy any harm.

Since he’s been little, Lin has always been a bit of an attention whore, but this is a whole different thing. The accusing looks he’s getting now are devastating. As if sensing all the eyes on him, Alex whimpers and curls in on himself, his chest heaving in fright. Lin takes a step towards him and Alex recoils further, this time ducking down so that he’s partially hidden behind yet another rack of clothes.

The situation has reached a critical level. Lin thinks frantically of the stories Chris has shared with him of the horrific public meltdowns he’s experienced with his special needs son. Lin’s quite sure he’s just one more wrong move from experiencing just that. If anyone calls mall security they are going to be in serious trouble. Trying his best to ignore the nasty looks complete strangers are throwing him, Lin places himself directly in the panicking teen’s line of sight, kneeling down to Alex’s level where he’s crouched under a rack of clothes, whimpering and shaking.

“Alex,” he says in a tone that he hopes is both firm and gentle. “Do you want to get out of here?”

Slowly, Alex glances up and stares at him brokenly

“Do you want to leave?” he repeats.

“I want to go home,” Alex chokes out in a voice much higher-pitched than is typical for him.

“We can do that right now, bud. But first I need you to stand up and walk out of the store with me. Can you do that?”

“Everyone’s staring,” he whimpers.

“I know, but fuck them. They are just strangers we don’t know and are likely never going to see again. They’re just meaningless background noise.”

Alex looks somewhat scandalized by Lin’s vulgar choice of words. He’s never spoken that way around him before. But the shock value of it at least has the effect of somewhat decreasing Alex’s focus on his current panic.

“I d-don’t… I don’t know wh-what to do.”

“You don’t have to do anything Alex. Just stand up and follow me out of here to a quiet place. I’ll get us a cab and we’ll go home. That’s it. You don’t need to do anything else.”

“Okay,” Alex sniffs and, to his enormous relief, slowly stands up out of his makeshift hiding place, made up of clothes that wouldn’t have fit him anyway.

“Let’s go,” Lin says while keeping his hands up in plain sight to let Alex know he wasn’t going to try touching him again.

As they leave the store, Lin overhears a lady murmur to her friend “No, it’s fine, I don’t think we need to do anything. I think the boy has special needs or something.”

“Then what is he doing bringing him out in public then? Sheesh.”

It’s just like the stories Chris has shared with him, of nearly a decade of hearing comments like that when out with his family. Right now, Lin would love to turn around and give the second women a piece of his mind, but he can’t. Anything that distracts from the goal of getting Alex back to his apartment is irrelevant. God, he just hopes Alex didn’t hear that.

They make their way out of there quickly and Lin finds a deserted bench tucked away in a quiet corner of the mall near a staff-only door. Alex sits down heavily, as if weighed down, and leans forward with his head in his hands. He’s shaking enough that Lin can see it even from the other side of the bench and he’s panting for breath. This was too much. Going to a crowded mall was way too much too soon. Lin should have trusted his initial instincts that this was a bad idea. If they had just stayed in and had another quiet day rather than trying to fulfill Lin’s need to do something productive, Alex would be cheerfully reading his books right now, instead of looking like this.

“I’m sorry Alex, I shouldn’t have pushed you to do this.  And I’m sorry I touched you, I promise I won’t do it again. Just let me know when you’re ready and I’ll get us a ride back to the apartment.”

Alex had said moments ago that he’d wanted to go home. Lin wonders what he meant by that. Is he coming to see their apartment as home, or did he mean it in a more general sense? Or maybe he’s talking about Nevis. Lin couldn’t blame him for wanting to return to his country of origin. It doesn’t sound like any of his time in America has been positive.

They sit quietly for the next five minutes, with no noise other than Alex’s occasional whimpers and all the surrounding sounds of holiday shoppers. As is becoming the pattern with them, Lin feels completely helpless to do anything to help him. He would give just about anything to be able to hug Alex right now. He can’t though. He probably won’t ever be able to.

“You’re okay, Alex. You’re just fine,” Lin says softly once it appears that Alex has calmed himself down enough to even tolerate Lin calling attention to himself. “Just let me know when you’re ready for me to call a cab.”

“I don’t want to get into another cab,” Alex whispers with a somewhat hysterical edge, telling Lin that their earlier taxi encounter had had more of an impact on Alex than he had previously led him to believe. Alex had made Lin think that it was something he was able to shake off easily, but in hindsight it must have set the scene and made it more likely for Alex to panic the way he did. Lin absolutely hates that his career choice negatively impacted Alex so much. That never would have happened if he was a lawyer or teacher.  If that hadn’t happened it was still likely Alex would have panicked inside the crowded store, but it might not have been as bad.

This also presents a bigger, more immediate problem: how the hell are they going to get home if Alex is afraid to get back in a taxi?

“What if I call a different cab company so there’s no way we get the same guy again?”

Alex merely whimpers again in answer. That’s a no. Apparently, their earlier encounter had upset him enough that he now doesn’t want to get into any cab. That’s a big problem. Lin frantically searches his brain to come up with some sort of plan B.

“Okay Alex, we have several options here. We could take the subway back, but it’s going to be as crowded as the stores right now, possibly more.”

“I-I don’t th-think…” Alex stutters pitifully.

“We don’t have to. Another option would be to call my Dad to pick us up. He doesn’t live too far from me and actually has a car- a rarity in New York, I know. He’s pretty chatty though, and we’d probably have to wait quite a while for him to get over here. I know he’d drop everything to do it though. He’s been wanting to meet you ever since my Mom brought you the clothes.”

Alex says nothing, but he doesn’t have to. Lin can tell from Alex’s face that the prospect of riding in the car with Lin’s father terrifies him, and honestly if Alex knew Luis and his over-the-top-personality, he would probably be even more frightened. That wasn’t the best option.

“Another choice would be to get an Uber so there is no chance of getting the same driver and it wouldn’t be an actual cab we’re getting into. I can take my hair out of the bun and wear it long so I’m less recognizable. Plus if they bug us, I can threaten them with a low rating. What do you think?”

“Maybe?”

Alex still doesn’t look convinced. They are stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one, as they can’t stay here since the mall is getting more and more crowded by the minute. This is one of the few times Lin wishes he owned a car. It would be so much simpler to just load Alex in it, safe from the outside world and just leave without having to worry about strangers as an unknown factor. Most of the time as a New Yorker, this never comes up, but in the here and now this deficit is making Lin feel like a fake grown-up.

He has got to make this Uber idea work. They are running out of options. It’s not like they can even just walk home, since Alex already demonstrated on their walk yesterday that he doesn’t have the stamina to even go a few blocks.

“How about if I give you my iPhone and earbuds so you can listen to music on the ride home? A pair of earphones is the universal sign for ‘don’t talk to me’. You can also crank up the volume loud enough that even if the driver tries to, you won’t hear it. Would that work?”

Lin could not be more relieved when Alex hesitantly nods in agreement. He doesn’t have any alternative, so they would have been in a fair amount of trouble if Alex didn’t agree to that plan.

Just to be sure it all goes without a hitch, when he pulls up the Uber app to summon a ride, he puts in the additional instructions section ‘please don’t talk to my kid, he has severe social anxiety’. Calling Alex ‘my kid’ feels weird, but Lin isn’t sure what else to call him. ‘The kid that’s with me’ sounds vaguely creepy and ‘foster kid’ is giving the stranger more information than they need to know. ‘My kid’ was the best he could come up with, even if it does make him uncomfortable with the level of possessiveness.

Thankfully the Uber ride goes smoothly. The driver ends up being a woman around Lin’s age, which helps Alex, since he tends to do better with females. She gives Lin an encouraging smile after glancing back at Alex and taking in his dreadful appearance. Besides still looking as exhausted as he did over breakfast, Alex is hanging his head down low in a defeated stance and his face is blotchy from a recent crying spell. Combining that with the message, the women has enough sense not to talk at all to them. Lin is going to have to be sure to give her a five-star rating when this is done. They get stuck in heavy traffic, but nevertheless, thanks to the headphones and the driver’s silence, the ride goes smoothly. At one point during the agonizingly slow ride back uptown, Lin glances stealthily at his phone in Alex’s hand to see which of his iTunes music Alex picked to listen to and is enthralled to see 90s Hip Hop.

Just as they finally pull up to their neighborhood, traffic comes to a dead stop. Some construction or bad accident must be going on nearby.

“Just so you know,” the driver speaks up for the first time. “We are only a few blocks away from your final destination. I am happy to continue taking you all the way, but you’d probably get there a lot faster at this point if you just got out and walked.”

A quick glance out the window reveals that they are indeed just blocks away from his apartment. There is no point in continuing the rest of the way if traffic isn’t moving.  

“I think we’ll do just that. Thank you so much for the ride and the quiet. You seriously saved me from a tricky situation, so I can’t thank you enough.”

“No problem. I hope the rest of the day goes better for you and your son.”

Lin winces a little at the terminology used, but doesn’t bother correcting it. He’s got more pressing things to think about, such as how to communicate to Alex that they are getting out with his eyes closed and music blasting without touching him. Lin settles on gingerly giving the cord of the headphones a tug so that one of the earbuds pops out, prompting Alex to glance over at him.

“We’re getting out here, okay bud?”

Alex nods in agreement and with one last nod at the driver, the two of them get out onto the sidewalk.

“Are we almost home?” Alex asks him softly, only now taking out his headphones now that they are out of the car.

“Yes cariño, the apartment is just a few blocks from here.”

“Good.”

 Now that they are back in familiar territory, Alex is looking so much better. He appears fully calm now and the corners of his lips twitch in an almost smile.

A few minutes into their walk back, Alex suddenly stops in his tracks and stares longingly into the window of the building they’re outside of. Lin glances up as well and sees that it’s the Inwood Library. Of course it is, books seem to possess a very special part in Alex’s heart. What else would literally stop him in his tracks? Lin takes a quick peak inside the window and sees that it’s dead quiet inside, practically deserted even. People always seem to forget that it’s open for a few hours on Sundays. It wouldn’t hurt…

“Do you want to go in really quick and pick out a few things to take back?”

Alex’s face brightens at the suggestion, yet still he hesitates.

“I don’t have my card, or any other form of ID. It’s all back at…” Alex trails off, not even wanting to say the name of his previous foster family.

“I have mine, you can check things out on my account if you want to.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course.”

At this Alex’s face breaks into a real smile that makes Lin go a little weak at the knees. This is perfect: after such a horrendous first attempt at an outing, it would be wonderful to be able to end the day on a positive note.

As they step inside, Lin can practically hear Alex’s entire body relaxing beside him. It makes total sense that a building full of books would be his happy place. This is exactly what he needs right now. Lin wants to kick himself for not thinking of coming here earlier. This is the outing they should have gone on in the first place, not to the mall. At the end of the day, taking Alex clothes shopping had never been about Alex, it had been about Lin and his need to feel as though he’s providing for him.

After repeatedly reassuring Alex that he’s free to walk around and look at anything he wants to, Lin has to carefully balance out allowing Alex to be independent and roam freely with the need to know where he is at all times. Alex does not yet have a cell phone to keep in contact with him and even if he did, Lin still wouldn’t be comfortable not being nearby in case he panics again. So he does his best to hang back as far away as possible, while still keeping him in plain sight. Normally, Lin would be concerned that Alex would be freaked out by Lin stealthily following him, but right now Alex appears too distracted by the books to notice.  In true Alex fashion, he spends the bulk of his time in the non-fiction section looking at political, economic and law books.

Deciding that it would probably do Alex some good to experience some lighter reads, Lin keeps his eyes peeled for fiction books that might interest him. He grabs the first _Game of Thrones_ books since Alex would probably appreciate its complexity, as well as _The Kingkiller Chronicles,_ which are a personal favorite of his. As Lin browses, while keeping one eye firmly glued on Alexander, he stumbles upon the _Harry Potter_ series. Jackpot! With Alex being unfamiliar with video games and Disney movies, it’s not that much of a stretch to think that this would be a new for him as well. It would provide just the escapism that Alex so desperately needs and Lin would love to experience it for the first time secondhand, so he adds _The Sorcerer’s Stone_ to his pile of potential Alex books.

Lin would be more than happy to let Alex spend all day here, but after nearly an hour Alex’s armload of books reaches such a point that it looks like he’s close to collapsing under the weight of it all, made all the more problematic since he can only use one arm. When he sees Alex glancing around to see if Lin would notice if he pulled his right arm out of the sling to carry more, Lin decides it’s best to summon him over to check out the books and head out.

“Here Alex, put what you have on the table so we can divide it up between us to carry. I also have a few books I thought might interest you. Specifically this.” Lin holds up the Harry Potter book for Alex to see. “If nothing else, you have got to get this Alex!”

 “Why?”

“You have GOT to read it! It’s life changing. I can’t wait to hear what you think of it!”

“I have read them. Of course, I read them. Do you think I’ve been living under a rock? I’m from Nevis, not the moon, and if people were living there they’d have read them too.”

Whoa, sassy Alex alert! Major sassy Alex alert! Lin has never heard Alex talk that way before and he could not be more delighted by it. That was awesome!

Alex, however, does not appear to share his feelings about their exchange. Just by watching Alex’s facial expression, Lin can tell that Alex’s brain is just now catching up with what his mouth said and he now looks horrified. Lin finds it both comical and thrilling to consider that being a loudmouth who talks before he thinks might be an aspect of Alex’s personality that is buried deep.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry. ¡Lo siento! I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Alex, it’s okay. Truly. It was silly of me to assume you hadn’t. That was coming from the same dumb assumptions that made me think you didn’t speak English.”

“I’m sorry!” he repeats again with a slightly hysterical note. “What I said was really rude and you’ve been so kind and then I go and talk to you like that and now you’re going to think-“

“Alex!” Lin cuts him off before he has a chance to work himself into another state of panic. “It’s _fine_. I liked it. One of the reasons I fell in love with Vanessa was because she called me on my shit. I like your sassy side and would love to see more of it.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“It doesn’t have to. I’m just a weird guy that way. The point is you don’t have to worry about it as there’s never going to be any consequences for speaking the truth or having a bit of an attitude. Okay?”

Alex shoots him a look of puzzlement, but nods in agreement. Lin breathes a sigh of relief that he at least managed to talk Alex out of having a second panic attack. One had been quite enough to deal with as it was.

“Now, what about the other stuff I picked out? Have you read any of them?”

Alex shifts through them quickly.

“I’ve already read all the _Game of Thrones_ books,” he says softly.

“Impressive. Have you seen the TV show as well?”

“No.”

“Well, I’d offer to watch it with you on our HBO account, but I suspect Vanessa would kill me if I let you watch that. There’s, uh… a lot of nudity.”

Alex smiles at him with a look of someone who is holding back a retort. Lin would love to know what it is. From what he’s heard so far, Alex has a sharp wit.

“I haven’t read this one,” Alex says at last, pointing to the two books from the _Kingkiller Chronicles._

“Oh, you should! That series is one some of my favorites. It contains some of the most beautiful descriptions of writing music that I have ever read. It might not be as exciting to you as the history of economic policy, but it’s still quite good.”

“I’ll check it out then,” Alex says softly adding it to his substantial pile. There’s no way he’s going to get through all of them during the remainder of his time with them, but it’s impressive that Alex is willing to try.


	11. Monday: Day 7

** Monday: Day 7**

Monday morning starts the same way it always does, with Tobi waking Lin up early, demanding a walk. It doesn’t matter how much Lin’s life has changed in the past two weeks; this remains a constant. He goes through the usual routine of quickly getting dressed and heading out on autopilot, and would have continued this way were it not for the boy curled up with a book on his living room couch.

Alex glances up from _The Name of the Wind_ , which he’s now more than halfway through, and blinks at him lethargically. No matter how tired Alex might have appeared yesterday, it’s nothing compared to how utterly exhausted he appears now. He looks positively sickly. Did he seriously keep himself awake all night _again?_

“Alex, it’s not even 7am yet kiddo. What are you doing up so early?”

“I just wanted to find out what happens next. The light is better out here. Sorry, should I have stayed in my room?” Alex mutters quietly.

“Coming out here to read is not a problem, just… Alex, did you sleep at all last night?”

“I did,” Alex insists yet the way he bites down nervously on his lip says otherwise. Lin’s middle-school substitute-teacher instincts are all telling him he’s being lied to- the kid won’t even look anywhere near him- but he doesn’t quite know how to broach the subject. Were it any other teenager, Lin would have no problem calling them out on it, but with Alex he just can’t. Anything short of gentle handing sounds like a bad idea. 

Lin wants to believe him. He desperately hopes that the boy actually slept a little- even if just for a few hours- and wasn’t up all night. Yet the fact that he’s currently over halfway through a novel he hadn’t even started when he had been sent to bed the night before is not a good sign.

“Well… I’m on my way out to take Tobi for her morning walk. How about you come with us?” Since Alex is so quick to fatigue during physical exertion maybe walking around a bit will wear him out? A walk might be enough for him to take another nap on the couch when they get back. He’s going to need one before his meeting with the Lyttons today; there is no way he can do so in this state. 

Alex just stares at him blankly in response. He’s probably too out of it right now to fully process what was said. 

“Come on, come with us. You’ve been cooped up in this apartment all week, only leaving when social workers make you. It will do you some good to get some fresh air.”

“Oh really, then what was the trip to the mall and library about? I didn’t see any social workers with us.”

Now it’s Lin’s turn to stare at him a little bemused. It’s remarkable that Alex can maintain such a sharp wit even while this sleep- deprived.

“You still haven’t gotten out much, mijo. Will you come with us?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Wait, really? Lin reels for a moment before breaking into a grin. This is a huge victory. No matter how frustrating being such a high-needs child’s temporary caregiver can be, or how many times Lin’s felt utterly inadequate, he’s got to admit that this moment makes it all worth it. Last Tuesday night- now nearly a week ago- it had seemed inconceivable that Alex would ever consent to going out alone with Lin, especially not early in the morning when the streets were nearly deserted. Yes, they were bringing the dog. But still! Yet somehow over the course of the week a series of small (and not so small) miracles had taken place. Despite all his mistakes, Lin must have done something right. He just wishes he knew specifically what that was, so he could continue to replicate this fragile success. Ultimately, he still has no idea what he’s doing. He is painfully aware that this could all fall apart in a matter of seconds.  

They don’t talk much during their walk. Though Alex is never exactly chatty, Lin is starting to get a handle on his moods and can tell that he is far too on-edge right now to engage in any kind of conversation right now. They are both acutely aware of the significance of resuming their attempts at transitioning Alex to his new family today. It’s the day that has been looming somewhat ominously over their heads all weekend, and finally it’s here. The day is suddenly real.

Lin wishes he has something profound to share with Alex that would ease his anxieties or in some way meet the moment, but he comes up with nothing. Instead they walk in total silence, both grim-faced, save for the occasional half-smile from Alex when Tobi gets a little too excited every time they pass anything of interest on the sidewalk. 

They pause outside a small coffee shop.

“Do you want to get a pastry? I know we’ve been trying to have you stick with bland food only, but that’s got to get boring. You don’t have to eat all of it, just a few bites.”

He’s rambling again.

“Can I have coffee?” Alex asks shyly.

Lin moans internally at the request. That’s completely counterproductive if he’s hoping to get Alex to sleep a few more hours when they get back, but Lin also isn’t capable of saying no to him. The boy has him completely wrapped around his finger and he doesn’t even know it.

“Will you eat a little first?”

When Alex nods in agreement, Lin orders two coffees as well as the croissant that Alex halfheartedly points to when Lin asks what he wants. They then find a bench overlooking the George Washington Bridge to sit at and enjoy their breakfast and coffee. As has become the norm with them, Alex sits at the far end of the bench as away from Lin as possible, yet somehow the gap between them doesn’t feel as wide as it normally does.

“How are you feeling about today?” Lin asks at last, because he’s bursting to say something to address the elephant in the proverbial room.

Alex grimaces, which is probably as close to a genuine answer as Lin is going to get.

“Wh-what is…” Alex starts, but then trails off, seeming too nervous to finish.

“I still need to call your social worker to iron out all the details, but it sounds like they’re going to try to have the Lyttons come here to meet you, instead of the other way around.”

The idea Ms. Rensselaer had proposed to him was that if Alex were in familiar territory, the meeting might go over better than if everything were scary and new.

“They’re coming here?” Alex whispers with a note of alarm on his face.

“Yes, but remember what I said on Friday: we can move slowly on this if necessary. It’s not like they’re going to just show up and take you away.”

Lin had hoped that hearing that would reassure Alex, but if anything it just causes his face to fill with even more fear. It’s as though the thought of that hadn’t occurred to him until Lin had suggested it. Lin really has a knack for always saying the wrong thing.

They finish the rest of the walk in silence, and once they get back Alex does not show any signs of being ready to crash, instead bouncing around the apartment going from book to book in an apparent coffee-induced buzz. Lin really shot himself and his best intentions towards Alex in the foot by giving into the boy on that one. It’s probably now very unlikely that the badly-needed nap is going to be happening. He’s just going to have to cross his fingers that Alex’s sleep deprivation doesn’t cause too many problems.

As Alex paces the apartment in a show of poorly-masked anxiety, Vanessa gets ahold of social services, who let them know that the Lyttons are stopping by a little after lunchtime. Alex deteriorates even further after they tell him and flat- out stops engaging with them in any conversation no matter what they try. It’s like he’s regressed massively, but it’s almost more than that. Alex has never been able to not sit still before and seems almost manic, with a slightly unhinged look in his eye. It’s obvious that Alex is freaking out massively.

Lin and Vanessa keep shooting each other worried glances, neither really sure what to do about this. There probably isn’t anything they can do, since Alex’s intense nerves are unlikely to let up until they get this meeting over with.  Lin is starting to realize that it might not have been the best idea to wait as long as they did to start the transition process up again. At the time, it had sounded like a good idea to give Alex time to process, but in hindsight, it might have achieved nothing more than increasing the worry to the point where Alex now looks like he’s ready to burst from all the anxiety building up inside him.  

They carry on in this same holding pattern for the rest of the morning, with no one really doing or saying much of anything, but the tension in the apartment growing higher and higher by the hour. 

Finally they are all brought out of their respective fretting with an unexpected rattling sound at their front door. None of them even have a chance to be alarmed before Lin’s mom bursts through to the living room, having just flat-out let herself in with her ’emergency’ key.

“¡Hola! Vine por el bebé,” she declares, her eyes lighting up triumphantly when she spots Alex in the room.

Already fidgeting and twitchy beyond belief, Alex jumps about a mile at this intrusion and drops the book he had been half-heartedly attempting to read. Yet rather than bolting, Alex’s first instinct is to glance protectively over at Sebastian. Lin can tell what’s going through his head: who the hell is this woman and what does she want with the baby?

“Alexander, this is my mother Luz. Mom, this is Alex.”

His mom puts on a great show of pretending to notice Alex for the first time, even though it could not be clearer that the reason behind her barging in like this was to ambush Alex. Lin is somewhat furious at her for not at least checking in with him first before doing this. If she had, he would have been able to communicate that this was the worst possible day to do it. An unplanned grandmother-ambush is just about the last thing Alex needs right now. 

“Hello Alexander. I’ve been hearing my son gush about you all week, I just had to see you in person. It’s wonderful to meet you.”

Not at all surprisingly, Alex does not respond to either her words or offered handshake. Instead he looks pointedly between Sebastian and Lin, non-verbally communicating his continual unease regarding her intent.

“What did you mean you are here for the baby?” Lin asks for him.

“Exactly what I said, Lin-Manuel. I know you three have a very important meeting happening soon, and I thought it would be helpful not to have a two-week-old around. Besides, I’ve hardly seen him at all this week since you asked for space. No more of that. You cannot stand between an Abuela and her grandsons.”

Alex’s eyes widen at these comments. He gives Lin a look that is clearly asking what he’s planning on doing about this. Damn, the kid has an expressive face. Lin’s starting to see how Alex has been able to somewhat function in the world without talking at all. 

“Mom, do you get that you showing up unexpectedly like this is really bad timing.”

“Well yes, honey, I do. But I also get that it’s probably never going to be a good time and that you’re not always the best at asking for help when needed.”

“You know,” Vanessa speaks up. “It probably isn’t a bad idea for Luz to take Seb for a few hours. Not having to divide up our attention between the two boys would be quite helpful.”

Despite his annoyance, Lin has to see the logic behind this argument and tentatively hands Sebastian over, before getting up to gather some basic baby supplies to send with her. Alex full-on clams up after that and keeps his head down, not communicating anything with them, non-verbal or otherwise. 

It’s not until Luz and Sebastian depart that Alex finally says anything.

“What if I never see him again?” he mutters tearfully into his lap.

Vanessa blinks at him in confusion.

“You really don’t need to worry about that, sweetie, I promise you Lin’s mom is very trustworthy. Despite all her grandmother intensity, I have full confidence that she’ll return him in a few hours.”

“But what if _I’m_ not here?” 

Vanessa is at his side in an instant, not quite touching, but sitting mere inches away from him on the couch. He doesn’t make any effort to move or flinch away.

“Alex honey, that’s not going to happen. The Lyttons aren’t just going to take you away with only moment’s notice. That’s not what’s happening today. Not if you don’t want it to.”

“You don’t know that.”

“We won’t let that happen.” Vanessa glances over at Lin for support, who is more than happy to jump in.

“What I told you this morning still stands. We can go as slow as we need to with this. If you aren’t okay with it, I promise we aren’t going to make you go with them today. The only thing that needs to happen today is for you three to meet face to face so we can figure out a plan from there, even if it means finding a different family. Okay?”

Though the issue is far from resolved, Alex is able to relax a little bit after this. Enough so that he’s able to sit still long enough to look at a book for the next fifteen minutes, that is until Lin’s phone gives an ominous chime from a text message. Even before Lin glances at it, he already knows who it’s from and what it signifies: the Lyttons are here. Just like when Alex walked through their doors nearly a week ago, it feels as though there’s no going back from this.

“Alex, I just got a text that they’ve pulled up outside the building. It should be any minute now.”

Lin glances up from his phone and instantly regrets making that announcement. Alex has gone rigid and very, very pale.

“Are you alright?”

Alex takes a few shuddering breaths before slowly shaking his head.

“Stomachache…” he mutters. “I…I’m going to use the bathroom.”

As Alex stumbles his way down the hall looking rather frantic, Lin follows slowly behind, ready to step in if he hears any telltale sounds of puking.

It is not until he hears the bathroom lock click in an almost maniacal way that Lin realizes his error. Oh boy… He should not have let that happen. He just let himself get played.

Wanting to give Alex the benefit of the doubt, Lin waits a minute, but doesn’t hear anything. He even goes as far as pressing his ear to the door, but hears nothing that would suggest the bathroom is even in use. As far as he can tell, Alex is just standing there on the other side of the door doing nothing.

“Alex, are you sick honey?” Lin calls out gingerly, even though he knows he’s not.

Nothing.

“Alex?”

“I’m fine!”

“Sorry to bother you when you’re on the toilet.” He hopes that’s what’s going on. “I just want to make sure you’re planning on coming out.”

No response. That’s not a good sign.

The doorbell rings. Time’s up. From the other side of the door Lin can hear Alex’s breath hitch, followed by a light whimper. Lin’s heart goes out to the kid; this must be so scary. To have no say in the matter and just be thrust into the care of strangers- to be expected to go along with it when the last time it had happened those strangers had systemically tortured him- must be terrifying

“Alright kiddo, if you need some time to calm down and adjust, I’ll cover for you for five minutes, but you are going to have to come out soon. I know this is scary, but this meeting has to happen sometime. Five minutes. Deal?”

“I’ll try.”

“Lin! Alex! They’re here!” Vanessa calls from down the hall as she runs to open the door.

“That’s all I can ask.”

Though Lin hates to leave Alex alone, as soon as he hears a set of voices coming down the hall, he has no choice but to go greet them. The only course of action he can think of right now is to act as though everything is normal and hope to god that Alex will be able to calm himself down and come out before they realize anything is wrong.  

“Hi, I’m Lin.” He shakes hands with the couple. They are a bit older, in their late forties/early fifties with a slightly rumpled but friendly appearance.

“Ann Lytton, hello,” the woman greets cheerfully. “Now where is our Alexander?”

Ours already and she doesn’t even know him. Despite himself, Lin feels a tinge of annoyance.

“In the bathroom. He’ll be out as soon as he can. Alex is experiencing some digestive distress. Bit of a nervous stomach.”

Behind the Lyttons, Vanessa gives Lin a look of alarm. She knows the implications of Alex hiding in the bathroom just as well as he does.  

“Aw, poor kid. I hope it’s nothing too serious. Ever since our attempted meeting on Friday, I haven’t been able to get the image of him curled up in the car out of my mind. He seemed like such a fragile little thing.”

Again with the annoyance. Lin doesn’t think Alex would appreciate her calling him ’fragile’. Lin sure doesn’t.

“Can we get you anything to drink while we wait?” asks Vanessa.

“Oh no, we’re fine. We’d love to hear more about Alexander though. Tell us about him.”

Lin stifles a sigh. Better get this over with. “Well…he’s quiet and very reserved… he seems frightened by everything, and is quite twitchy at times. He has a nervous habit of chewing on his lip until it bleeds. Alex is not okay with being touched. He also has these horrible nightmare or night-terror-type episodes and doesn’t seem to sleep or eat much.”

Lin pauses, glancing up to see if what he’s sharing is going to scare them away or not. They don’t seem bothered by it. Lin’s not sure if he wants them to be or not.

“It’s okay, Mr. Miranda. This is far from our first time fostering previously-abused kids with serious issues. You don’t have to sugarcoat his problems. Tell use more.”

At this, Lin feels more than just annoyance, he feels defiant. Alex is more than just his problems and he doesn’t like him being labeled as just another in a long line of abused kids. He’s… _Alex_.

“Alexander’s got a sassy side to him. We’ve only seen it a couple times, but it’s there hidden beneath the surface. He’s quick-witted and sharp. I would not be surprised if he had above-average intelligence; when we teach him something new, he picks up on it so quickly. Alex really likes to read books on the economy and other intellectual, political and law-based texts. I’ve gotten him hooked on ‘The West Wing’. He’s also fully bilingual in English and Spanish.”

When Lin is done with his little tirade, Vanessa is giving him a funny look.

“You are quite fond of him,” says John. It’s not a question.

“Yes.”

“I can tell. You talk about him like a proud father.”

“He’s a good kid,” Lin supplies lamely. He’s a little confused by what’s happening here. All he knows is that the level of possessiveness he’s feeling for Alex right now is at an all-time high.

“We can’t wait to meet him. Speaking of which, is he okay? This seems like an awfully long time to be tied up in the bathroom.”

Lin glances at his watch. The agreed-upon five minutes are long up.

“I’ll go check on him.”

When Lin goes down to talk to Alex he makes the decision to speak to him in Spanish, just in case the Lyttons are listening in.

_“Alex, it’s been nearly ten minutes now. Are you ready to come out?”_

A long pause, then a muffled “no!”.

Lin sighs. This is not going well.

_“Will you be soon? If this goes on much longer the Lyttons are going to think you’ve got some serious intestinal disorder.”_

“I don’t know,” Alex whimpers.

_“Come on kid, there’s nothing to be scared of. All they want to do is meet you. They aren’t going to take you home or anything. We just want to see if this is a suitable match. You don’t even have to talk to them. You can hide behind me. If they try to touch you, I’ll body-block them.”_

“Not yet!”

“ _Okay Alex. Five more minutes and that’s all I can give you. Any longer and the gig is up.”_

“Okay…” Alex is sounding almost tearful.

Lin comes back into the living room awkwardly, trying and failing to come up with some way to explain this away.

“Um…it’s going to be a bit longer. He’s, uh… pretty backed up, if you get my meaning…” Even though it’s totally made up, Lin blushes furiously as he says this. He’s heard from friends that parenthood means losing all restraint when talking about bowel movements, but only two weeks in and he’s not there yet.

“Ooph, it must be pretty bad. Is this a thing for him?” Ann takes out her pen, ready to take notes.

“No, well… he wasn’t well fed at his previous home. Being on a regular diet probably just has his digestive system confused.” Only for Alex would he weave such a strange string of lies.

“Alexander was also repeatedly raped, wasn’t he?” John asks, all business. Lin hates the way he says it so bluntly. “Could there be damage from that that’s causing these problems?”

“I believe he was pretty thoroughly checked out by professionals at the ER,” says Vanessa, matching his businesslike tone that leaves no doubt that the matter is closed.

“Does Alexander have any other major medical issues we should be aware of? I heard he has an unusual broken bone?”

“His right shoulder blade,” supplies Vanessa. “The big thing to know about that is that it needs to be immobilized 24/7. On his second night with us he worsened the break while moving around during one of his nighttime episodes. Lin’s been having him wear the sling to bed.”

“What exactly are these nighttime episodes you keep referencing? Are they nightmares or something else?

“We’re really not sure. It will be the middle of the night and he’ll suddenly start screaming bloody murder. He keeps his door locked so we’re not quite sure what’s going on. When we try to talk to him through the door he thinks we’re his previous foster family trying to get in to assault him. These things can go on for hours.”

Lin observes as John and Ann give each other a knowing look at the information Vanessa’d supplied. Lin isn’t sure what the look had meant, yet somehow he knows he doesn’t like it. 

“Could you tell me more about the other kids in your home?” Lin asks, hoping that hearing more positive information about all the wonderful things they had done will turn the tides on this inexplicable dislike he’s feeling. “Alex has a soft spot for our newborn son. I suspect he’d do well with younger kids running amok who might be able to draw him out of his shell more in a non-threatening way. How old are your other foster kids?”

“We have three other teenage boys. They are all a few years older, so Alex would be our youngest.”

Lin deflates a little at this. He’s not sure if that would be the ideal situation for Alex. It might be fine, but he could also easily see Alex spending all his time hiding from the other boys.

“Oh, well… do you have any pets? Alex absolutely loves dogs.”

“No, we’re not a big animal family to be honest with you. Taking care of an ever-changing but constant herd of foster kids is enough work as it is.”

Lin is liking this situation less and less. As silly as it may be, not having a dog in the house feels like a touch of a deal-breaker. That’s something Alex needs.

“Look Mr. Miranda, I can tell you’re feeling some apprehension about this, but I can assure you that Alexander would do very well with us. None of what you have been describing is new to us. It doesn’t matter if the exact logistics are a perfect fit for him or if we have the right number of young kids or dogs, just know that we do have the experience and knowledge to do right by him.”

Lin nods in agreement. What she said is right: he needs to stop obsessing over the little details and recognize that what the Lyttons can provide for Alex is still better than what he can. It’s time to get things moving again.

With that in mind, he goes back to check on Alex one last time.

“ _Alex, honey, you’ve got to come out now. It’s been fifteen minutes. There’s no more reasonable excuses for this. Come on, you can do this.”_

“I can’t!” Alex yells loud enough that he was bound to have been heard in the next room.

 _“Yes, you can. You are so brave, Alex. Think of all the difficult things you’ve done already. Just a week ago, you wouldn’t even talk to me and now I would consider us friends. You can do the same thing with the Lyttons_.”

“If we’re friends, then don’t make me do this,” Alex chokes out, effectively ripping Lin’s heart out of his chest and stomping on it.

Lin can now hear Alex sobbing from the other side of the door. If he’s at a point that it’s audible, he’s probably been crying for quite some time now. With that realization, Lin knows that they’re done for the day; there’s just no way this meeting can happen in any form until tomorrow at least.

“Okay hon. Okay. I’m not going to force you into this. We’ll try this again another time, maybe after a good night’s sleep.” Lin purposefully switches back to English to make it clear that all concealment is done. He had hoped that letting Alex off the hook would calm him down, but if anything, he just cries harder at these words.

“I’m going to go let them know. Will you be okay on your own for a few moments?”

“I always am,” Alex hiccups. It might not have been intentional, but Lin hates the way that reply was worded, as if to mean that he were always alone.

When Lin comes back into the main room, John and Ann are already standing up and gathering their things.

“Alexander won’t come out of the bathroom, will he? That’s what’s really going on, isn’t it? He’s hiding from us?” Ann asks gently.

“I’m sorry. I’d hoped that if I bought him some time, Alex might be able to calm himself down and come out, but, well… that’s not in the cards today.”

“It’s okay. I can’t say we’re surprised from what we read in his file.” They have access to Alex’s file?! “Maybe next time we should stop by unexpectedly so he doesn’t have time to work himself up about it. Now before we go, is it okay if we speak to Alexander through the door? It might help just to get him used to the idea.”  

Despite all the reservations Lin now has against them, they are still Alex’s best choice for a long-term placement, so he agrees to lead them over.  They are the experts on this after all, and what she’d said about letting Alex get used to their voices was probably true

“Alexander? It’s Ann Lytton,” she calls gently once they are outside the bathroom door. “We met a couple days ago. I know you’re really scared right now, but I just wanted to say hi.”

Lin can audibly hear Alex’s breath hitch painfully in his chest at the words, even through the continued sound of his sobs.

“If today’s not a good day for you, that’s fine. I just want you to know that we’re all looking forward to having you come stay with us. We already have a room set up for you. My husband John is here as well, and he feels the same.”

 “Hey Alexander,” John speaks up. From the perspective of what Alex must be hearing, Lin only now notices how deep his voice is, far deeper than Lin’s own. “We’re going to try this again real soon. I know you’re having a tough time right now, but it’s all going to be fine. I’m eager to get to know you a lot better. Is there any way you might be able to come out for a second and say hello before we go?”

That does it. At the idea of this strange man with the unusually deep voice wanting to get to know him better, Alex starts up screaming. It’s the same blood- curdling scream that is normally reserved for his nighttime ‘episodes’.

Both the Lyttons’ eyes widen in shock at this reaction, which to them probably seems as though it came out of nowhere. Despite all their experience, they hadn’t expected this, even though it doesn’t come as a surprise to Lin because he _knows_ Alex.

“You need to leave,” Vanessa says firmly when there is enough of a lull in Alex’s screaming as he pauses to catch his breath, allowing her to get a word in.

“No, it would be better to wait it out!” John practically shouts to be heard over the noise. “If the goal is to form a relationship with him, it wouldn’t be good to leave on such a negative note.”

“He’s too overwhelmed right now to do any relationship building. I must insist that you leave. Now!” Vanessa’s not messing around anymore.

After they finally go, Alex’s screaming dies down, but is replaced with a far more terrifying sound. Alex has gone from breathing heavily to gasping for breath, choking and wheezing for air in a way that suggests that he’s not being all that successful at getting it.

“Alex! Alex, are you okay? What’s happening?”

“I can’t breathe…” they hear wheezed through the door. They can hear his pained gasps. It sounds horrible. Like something has gone badly wrong. Does Alex have asthma, maybe? Is he having an allergic reaction to something?

“Alex, can you unlock the door. Please, honey. Just this once will you let us help?”

When they don’t hear an immediate response, Lin is just about to go get their keys, violating his safe-space be damned, when the lock clicks. Lin rips the door open and Alex comes stumbling out. Within seconds, he collapses to the floor of the hallway, unable to even stand when he can’t catch a breath.

Alex is shaking like a leaf and beads of sweat are forming on his forehead and starting to drip down his face and he _can’t breathe_. As far as Lin can tell, this is way more than Alex just being upset. This is a legitimate medical emergency. He’s never been so scared in his life.

“Alex, honey, do you think you can tell me what’s happening?” Vanessa asks, calmly crouching in front of where Alex now sits, his back against the wall and his knees pulled up to his chest as he gasps for breath.

“Heart’s going to explode… throat’s closing…” Alex wheezes.

“What do we do?! What do we do?! Oh god, what do we do?!” Lin rambles, practically spinning in useless circles in his franticness.

“For one you need to stop panicking. Go call 911. Step out of the room if you need to in order to get ahold of yourself. I’ll stay with him.”

There is no doubt that Vanessa’s lawyer-scientist personality is much better suited to staying calm in a crisis than that of a histrionic actor/writer who is emotional by trade. Leaving the room when Alexander is like this is not Lin’s first choice, but at least by calling 911 he’s doing something useful.

“Has this ever happened before? Do you know what’s happening Alex?” Vanessa asks gently as Lin steps into the next room.

“Think I’m dying.”

Lin’s heart seizes painfully in his chest at this reply. Now _Lin_ can barely breathe.

“We’re not going to let that happen, love. Lin’s calling you an ambulance and whatever this is we’ll take care of it. You’re going to be just fine.” 


	12. Monday: Day 7, continued

**Monday: Day 7, continued**

Lin’s phone call to emergency services does not exactly go smoothly; he’s just too panicked to be able to articulate things in a way that is easily followed, not when Alex could very well be dying in the next room. They are able to get the gist of it though- child not breathing well- and are quick to reassure him that an ambulance is on its way. Their attempts to get more information out of him involve a lot of hysterical yelling on Lin’s part and them not being able to figure out why he didn’t know any of his child’s medical history. Both points of which could be demonstrated by Lin repeatedly yelling “I don’t know!!!” at their questioning. He just doesn’t have the patience for any of it right now, so it’s a relief when the operator finally gives up and ends the call.

Stepping back into the main hallway finds Alex and Vanessa exactly as he had left them, with Alex sitting on the ground gasping frantically for air and Vanessa crouched next to him, trying desperately to reassure him that all would be fine. It’s not an easy scene to take in, but at the very least it hasn’t gotten any worse. At least Alex is still breathing.

“Well?” Vanessa asks somewhat bruskly. It’s clear that despite her lifelong tendency to do well under pressure, this is proving to be too much.

“An ambulance is on its way. They said it should be here in just a few minutes.”

The speed of Alex’s breathing increases at this report and he looks up at Lin with a horrified expression, now trembling even harder than he had been.

“Hey Lin?” Vanessa stands up and whispers softly in his ear. “This gets worse every time his stress increases or I get too close to him. I think it might be psychological. An anxiety attack maybe?”

“Or it could be that on top of something deadly! We don’t know his medical history V! He could have half a lung or a hole in his heart for all we know!” Lin is currently too hysterical to keep his voice down, and Alex lets out a terrified sob at his words. Lin thinks back to their family walk on Saturday night when Alex had gotten lightheaded and short of breath, as well as to the numerous times he’d appeared to have similar struggles when upset or exerting himself. They had dismissed those episodes as being caused by anxiety or lack of food, but what if it was something more? If that was the case, then he and Vanessa had failed to notice a serious medical condition when the symptoms were *right there*. Such an offence would be inexcusable, not to mention a bigger parenting fail than all the others they’d done put together.

 “Okay Lin, you need to take another break. This isn’t helping. Leave the room until you’re calm, or better yet go downstairs so you can show the paramedics where to go when they get here.”

“They already know. I’m not leaving him! He’s my foster son too, V.”

He’s never called Alex that before. Even in his head, Alex has always just been this kid that was temporarily staying with him.

“Then calm the fuck down! We’re trying to help him, not make it worse, and that’s what you’re doing right now.”

From the look on Alex’s face Vanessa’s shouting is having a similar effect. They really are a disaster at this. But calming down is easier said than done as Alex struggles to breathe just a few feet away from him. Lin knows he will never recover if this boy comes to any harm right here in front of him. If the unimaginable happens. It’s only been a week and already Lin doesn’t want to live in a world without Alexander in it. Without _his_ Alex. Nor does he want to give him away to strangers. The mere thought of it leaves him undone. How the hell did that happen so quickly?

After a time that feels like hours but is likely only a few minutes, they hear the sirens of an ambulance pulling up outside their apartment. For Lin, this normally annoying sound is music to his ears and allows him to relax slightly, yet for Alex it seems to have an opposite effect. He makes a frantic attempt to get up to flee, but can’t even make it an inch off the ground in the current state his body is in. When that doesn’t work, he curls in on himself with his face buried between his knees in a semi-fetal position.

“I know you’re scared Alex, but you need to sit up. You risk cutting off your airway doing that and that’s the last thing your lungs need right now. Sit up Alex,” Vanessa tells him firmly.

Never one to be disobedient, Alex complies with this request and sits back up. Just as he does so the front door, still left unlocked from the Lyttons’ quick departure, bursts open and in come two male paramedics.

When the two men move towards them Alex full on _screams._ Not just a little shriek, but an unrestrained ‘I’m about to be murdered’ scream of terror even louder than what had happened mere minutes ago (though it already feels like a lifetime) when John had tried to talk to him.

Lin, Vanessa and the paramedics look at each other in alarm, all acutely aware that this is not a normal reaction for anyone over the age of six.

“Alex doesn’t like to be touched,” Lin supplies lamely. He had been worried about this.

“We’re going to have to touch your son order to treat him,” says the younger one hesitantly as he unpacks an oxygen canister and connecting tube attached to a face mask from his bag.

“He’s not our son,” Lin interjects, yet just saying that sounds wrong. “He’s our foster kid. He’s been through a lot, so just…” Lin trails off, not quite sure what he’s trying to say here. Alex needs their help _now._ This isn’t a situation that’s up for negotiating. Even as they have this talk Alex’s breathing continues to sound horrible, now mixed in with hysterical sobs in response to the new strange men that Alex can’t even run from. In his current position pressed up against the wall with his knees to his chest with multiple people standing around, Alex looks like a wounded animal surrounded by hunters. That’s probably what it feels like to him right now.  

“If at all possible, try not to do anything by force,” Vanessa interjects for him.

The older paramedic, a large bearish man with a kind face who appears to be in charge, nods softly and murmurs to them: “I’ll try my best, but if his breathing gets worse or his readings look bad, I’m going to have to. Especially if he has to go to the hospital; he’ll probably have to be heavily sedated once we get there.”

Though the thought of that pains him, Lin nods in understanding. Whatever it takes for Alex to be okay. Please, please just let him be okay. Lin doesn’t consider himself to be religious, but right now as he listens to Alex’s continual gasps for breath, Lin is willing to make a deal with God, the universe, _anything_ that if Alex can just be okay, he’ll do anything it takes for the boy. He’ll give up all his reservations about keeping him if that’s what it takes.

“Hi buddy, my name’s Hugh. Hugh Knox,” the man who just spoke to them crouches down in front of Alex, just as his breathing deteriorates even further now coming in shorter gasps with longer periods between them. They are running out of time! Lin is certain that Alex is going to outright stop breathing any second now.

“Alright kid, here’s the deal: you’re not doing so good right now, that’s why your foster parents called us. Breathing problems are serious business. You need to be examined. Now if you prefer I can tell your foster parents what to do and they can do most of the touching. So, what will it be: us or them?”

“Them,” Alex croaks, pointing a shaking hand at him and Vanessa. Wow.

“Great.” After digging through his bag, he hands Vanessa a little device. “Can you clip this to his index finger please? While we do this my partner’s going to get the supplemental oxygen ready to help Alex out with breathing.”

Alex flinches when Vanessa takes his hand to do so, but lets it happen. As he tolerates the contact she takes a big risk and keeps holding his hand after the pulse oximeter is attached. He doesn’t pull away.

Both paramedics look temporarily taken aback when they look at the monitor, but seem to shake it off quickly.

“What’s wrong? Is it bad?” asks Lin frantically. Nearby he hears Vanessa’s breath hitch as Alex squeezes her hand a little too tightly in fear. Hugh the paramedic gives Lin a sharp look for scaring Alex further, before addressing his actual patient.

“Nothing is wrong. You don’t need to be scared, kid. This is good news. It’s telling me that the oxygen level in your blood is normal, though your heart rate is quite elevated. That means I don’t have to give you an oxygen mask. That’s fine, it gets in the way anyway.”

Despite the reassurance, Lin feels his stomach clench in fear at the news. Does that mean the problem is with Alex’s heart? Lung problems can be caused by something relatively routine like asthma, an allergic reaction or infection. That isn’t the case if the issue is his heart. Any possible scenario is going to be extremely serious and potentially deadly. Already Lin’s runaway imagination is envisioning Alex needing open-heart surgery and what caring for a child that ill would look like. He would probably have to postpone Hamilton’s opening until next year. No way is he giving Alex up to strangers if he has a life-threatening condition…

“I’d like to listen to your heart and lungs now.”

Alex lets out that same ear-splitting scream yet again when he sees the stethoscope brought out. It’s noteworthy that after both screaming occurrences his breathing gets worse. 

“Oh, none of that now. I’ll be doing the listening, but this guy here,” he gestures at Lin “Will be holding the part that’s touching you. I’ll just tell him where to put it.”

He hands Lin the round part of the stethoscope, which he takes it skeptically. Vanessa would be a better choice for this, but she’s currently occupied holding Alex’s hand.

“Pull down his shirt and hold it on his upper left chest, just below the collarbone.”

Lin hesitantly reaches forward, not sure that Alex will tolerate this. The teen’s entire body tenses up when they make contact and his breathing deteriorates even further, but he doesn’t bolt. Alex probably doesn’t have the ability to do so in this state.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

“Move it a little higher and slightly to the right,” the miracle- worker paramedic directs. “Stop there. Okay, hold it still for a bit while I listen to his heart.”

During the long pause that follows Lin is keenly aware that he’s making direct skin-to-skin contact with Alex for the very first time.

“Your heart sounds good Alex. It’s going awfully fast, but no murmur or anything too worrisome.”

Does he have a heart arrhythmia then? Is Alex going to need a pacemaker? Lin frantically cycles through the list he’d been making in his head. The surgery to place one would be among the most benign of the options he’d been fearing, though still by no means a good thing.  

“I’m going to listen to your lungs now, so your friend here is going to move this to your back.”

Again, the guy tells Lin what to do, this time having him move the stethoscope to various places on his back as he directs Alex when to take slow, deep breaths. Alex follows the instructions to the letter and Lin quickly notices that the more times he does so, the better his breathing seems to get. The paramedic appears to notice this too, and keeps having Lin move the stethoscope around, while guiding Alex to breathe for far longer than is standard.  The knowing smile on his face stamps out Lin’s initial fear that it’s taking so long because he’s heard something especially worrisome. No one would look pleased if that were the case, would they?

“Are you starting to feel better, kid?” Hugh asks gently after several minutes.

Alex nods somewhat tearfully. His breathing is still not completely normal, but it’s miles better than what it was. Vanessa smiles at him encouragingly and squeezes his hand. As Alex’s breathing returns to normal, Lin can feel his own racing heart- rate slow down as well, and he feels his face grow wet as tears of relief fall freely.

Alex is breathing. He’s okay. His Alex is breathing again.

“Excellent. Keep breathing deep and slow just like you were when I was listening to your lungs. That’s it. Your lungs sound great by the way. Looking at your pulse monitor I can see that your heart rate is coming back down too. All you needed to do was slow down your breathing. I know this has been really scary, but you are going to be just fine. You’re in luck because I don’t even have to take you to the hospital. I think a hug is in order though. Pick who you want to provide the service. I am readily available, but these two lovely foster parents of yours look willing.”

To their utter amazement, Alex leans his body in towards Vanessa, who is still holding his hand, but doesn’t quite make contact. That’s all the invitation his wife needs though and she clears the gap in seconds, engulfing Alexander in a tight Mom hug. Alex buries his face into her shoulder and openly sobs. It should be heartbreaking, but it is in fact a beautiful sight to behold.

“Keep encouraging him to breathe slow and deep. Verbally guide him through it or use your own breathing as a model if necessary. I’m going to talk to this one in the other room.”  He guides Lin out into the kitchen. Thank goodness for professionals knowing what they’re doing. He sure as hell didn’t.

“You really aren’t going to take him to the hospital?” Lin asks somewhat accusatorily, once they are out of Alex’s hearing range. He shouldn’t be harsh, given the miracle the man had just worked on Alex. He just can’t help but be worried.

“Alex doesn’t need the hospital, in fact that would probably be the worst thing for him right now. There is nothing physically wrong with him. This was a panic attack, plain and simple. Did something upsetting happen right beforehand that might have triggered it?”

“Very much so.” That is quite the understatement. Whether it was Ann telling Alex that they were going to try meeting again soon or John’s inadvertently creepy declaration that he wanted to get to know him better, Alex had had quite a laundry list of reasons for panicking. Heck, just plain not knowing what was in his future would have been more than enough.

“Okay then. What you just saw was his anxiety becoming too much for him and manifesting itself in physical ways. It felt very real to him, though. Every part of his body was screaming at him that he was dying. It’s not at all a pleasant experience. We’ll hang around for a few more minutes to make sure all is well and have you both sign paperwork agreeing not to transport. I’d recommend lots of love, TLC and an early bedtime.”

“He had a panic attack yesterday too. It wasn’t anything like this though. He appeared a little short of breath for a moment, but nothing like this. I would think I would have recognized it if it was. How could those two events be so different?”

Now that it’s over and he’s calming down, Lin is feeling rather foolish for not recognizing what was happening and going as far as to call 911. As a son of a psychologist he should have known better, yet instead he’d panicked as well.

“They can look different each time, even for the same person. I’m far from an expert here, but I’ve seen my fair share of them. Trust me, you’re not the first parent to seek unnecessary emergency medical help for your child, and you won’t be the last. It’s hard to be objective when it’s someone you love.”

For once Lin does not bother to correct him or even mentally flinch at the implications. He’s not wrong. If this whole ordeal has taught him anything it’s that he does love Alex and would do absolutely anything for him.  

By the time the paramedics leave, Alex’s breathing is fully back to normal. He’s still shaking though, and looks completely wiped out. Lin slowly crouches down in front of Alex who is still entwined with Vanessa and looks directly into the boy’s red, tear-laced eyes.

“Did you sleep at all last night Alex?”

He shakes his head. They are going to have to do something about his sleep habits. Of the six nights Alex had stayed with them, four have had been highly disrupted and with very little sleep- and that was only the ones they knew of. Alex could easily be having quieter nightmares or staying awake all night behind a locked door.

“I know it’s still the middle of the day, but you need to sleep. A nap would be a really good idea right now. How about I take you to bed? I can even give you some melatonin to help you sleep.”

Alex glances up at him warily, but seems too tired to have much fight.

“You’re not going to… are you?” Lin’s heart breaks once again. That had been poor choice of words on his part. He doesn’t know how much more heartbreak he can take when it comes to this boy. It’s around every corner.

“No, dear one. Never. I’m going to help you to your bed, tuck you in and promptly leave so you can lock the door behind me.”

“Isn’t tucking me in kind of meaningless if you know I’m going to get right back up to lock the door?”

He’s a bright one, their Alexander.

“Fair point. Will you let me anyway?”

“Okay.”

Alex tries to stand, but his knees end up buckling under his own weight, too worn out both physically and mentally to support himself. Lin manages to catch him around the middle and holds him up before he collapses all the way to the floor.

Lin would have expected Alex to flinch violently, cry out or try to push away, but he doesn’t react at all. Even though he’d allowed similar contact with Vanessa, Lin was still a man and therefore far more dangerous in his eyes. Yet Alex doesn’t do anything but blink lethargically up at him with a look of almost… trust. He tucks his head against Lin’s shoulder and the breath nearly leaves Lin’s body.

“I’ve got you, mijo. You’re okay. Is it okay if I help you out getting to your room?”

Alex says nothing, but Lin can feel him nodding against his chest. Lin temporarily considers lifting Alex into his arms and just carrying him- he’d be light enough- but thinks better of it. The level of trust Alex is giving him right now is utterly remarkable and the last thing he’d want to do is push it too far. Instead he and Vanessa support him on either side, being mindful not to put any weight on his right shoulder, and help Alex stumble the few feet it takes to get down the hall to his bedroom.

Lin notes that he doesn’t think of it as their guestroom any more. It’s Alex’s room.

Though the boxes had been cleared out and a sheet and bedspread put on the mattress, Alex’s bed still consists of no more than a mattress on the floor, not raised on a bed. Over the weekend Alex had nervously requested that it remain that way. They had initially been baffled by such a request, but after talking it over concluded that maybe being lower to the ground triggered fewer flashbacks than being up at the same height at which the assaults had occurred. Heck, even if it didn’t make sense they would have allowed it. So far, it was the only non-coffee request Alex has made of them.

Around that same time Lin had casually placed a baseball bat by Alex’s bed to ward off intruders, imaginary or otherwise. He’d considered giving him pepper spray too, but decided the risk of Alex spraying himself by accident during a waking nightmare was just too high.

“Are the Lyttons coming back when I wake up?” Alex asks brokenly as they gingerly lower him down onto the mattress.

“No darling, they’re not. You don’t have to worry about that today. Just sleep,” Vanessa soothes.

“Tomorrow?”

“Don’t worry about that right now. Later today Vanessa and I are going to talk things over and figure this out.”

As he says this Lin makes eye contact with Vanessa and can tell by the look in her eyes that she knows. She knows that this whole ordeal has changed his line of thinking and that, once they get Alex down, they have some serious soul- searching to do.

“I don’t want more people,” Alex tells them tearfully as they help him climb under the covers.  “I don’t want to deal with another new family. Can’t I just…” Alexander trails off, too scared to finish the sentence.

“I know, Alex. I know.” Lin gingerly runs a hand through their foster son’s hair in a show of tenderness. “We’ll meet with your social worker tomorrow and see what we can do, okay?”

“Okay,” Alex sniffs hopelessly. When he starts trembling again, Vanessa leans in for another hug. When Alex grabs onto her and won’t let go, she ends up getting down on the mattress as well and lies down next to him. Alex clings to her desperately and resumes crying into her shoulder, exactly where he’d left off.

“Shhh, it’s going to be okay cariño. I know everything seems so scary right now, but we’re going to make things okay for you. Whatever it takes. But right now, you just need to sleep,” Vanessa whispers soothingly, holding him close and rocking him slightly in a similar way to what she does for Sebastian.

Lin gets up briefly to retrieve Tobi to stick in bed with Alex as well, but otherwise remains where he is. Lin knows that joining Alex on the bed is not an option right now no matter how much trust has been won, but also doesn’t want to leave him. Instead he pulls up a chair and watches as his wife rocks their boy to sleep.

Meeting the Lyttons and getting a glimpse at what an ‘ideal’ placement would look like has led him to realize that no matter where Alex might go, there just wasn’t a perfect family out there for him. It didn’t matter that he and Vanessa were imperfect, because so was everyone else. And seeing as he’d already bonded with them, perhaps the best thing to do, regardless of how imperfect they are, is to just go with it. It’s almost like those silly kids’ stories where a duckling imprints on the first person it sees and proceeds to follow them around, despite the sometimes inappropriate nature of the attachments. Alex had opened the door for them. He had let them _touch_ him. They’d still need to have an actual dialogue with Alex about it once he was in a better mindset, but it may well be that they are the ones that Alex has actually bonded with.

Just moments ago, Alex had almost outright asked if he could stay. Much of his past behavior- hiding from the Lyttons, reacting badly every time they mentioned a new placement-, suggested he’d been feeling that way for a while now. Why was Lin only now realizing this?

He couldn’t get over how possessive he’d felt of Alex- his Alex- while the Lyttons had been here. That was a feeling he had never expected to have, but now that it’s there… Well, if Alex truly feels the same and it’s at all possible to keep him, maybe he needs to stop fighting it. After all, when Alex had been struggling to breathe he had come to the decision that if anything was seriously wrong with the boy’s health he wouldn’t give him up. Why should it be any different just because there isn’t?

It takes a good half hour, but eventually the boy’s whimpers and shuddering sobs fade away as Alex drifts off into a desperately needed nap. Even after he finally quiets, they wait another twenty minutes to be sure he’s truly out cold before Vanessa untangles herself from Alex’s grip and Lin helps her up off the floor.

Leaving the door slightly ajar (and unlocked- Alex’s door remains unlocked) so they can hear if he stirs in any way, they silently walk to the living room and sit across from each another, staring expectantly.

“Well…” Lin finally breaks the silence. “Do you still want to keep him?”


	13. Tuesday: Day 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter!

** Tuesday: Day 8 **

It’s hard to fall asleep that night with all the emotions swirling around his head, but Lin tries his best. If things go their way and they end up with not one but _two_ kids who struggle to sleep through the night, he is going to need all the sleep he can get. 

Tuesday morning when Lin wakes up to take care of Tobi he once again finds Alex curled up with a book on the sofa. Only this time Alex doesn’t look like a zombie; he appears more well-rested and settled than he has in days- possibly the best Lin’s ever seen him.

Unlike yesterday, Alex’s being awake this early doesn’t worry him. Alex had slept through nearly the entire rest of Monday, completely out cold. With his door left unlocked either Vanessa or himself had been able to check on him regularly, and he’d hardly stirred an inch. He seemed to have finally exhausted himself to such a point that his body had mercifully granted him a reprieve from whatever horrors his brain typically unleashed on itself at night. They’d woken him up briefly to eat a little bit of food at dinnertime, but he’d been so groggy and out of it at the table that they’d put off talking to him about their big decision. He’d slept the entire night through too; every time they’d woken up with Sebastian he’d still been sleeping. They’d even set an alarm to go off every three hours as a reminder to check on him, but each time Alex had been sleeping just as deeply, showing no signs at all of distress. Alex definitely got a good night’s sleep that night, far exceeding the minimum requirement.

“Hi Lin,” Alex glances up from his book and greets him with a hint of a smile, the kind that always turns Lin to mush.

“Good morning Alex. How long have you been awake, mijo?”

“About 40 minutes. I-is it o-okay that I’m up?”

“You got nearly fifteen hours of sleep last night, kid. Waking up early is definitely fine.”

Alex flushes a little at this and he diverts eye contact away from Lin, looking a little ashamed. “Sorry,” he whispers.

“Don’t be, you desperately needed it. Sleep isn’t one of those things in life that is optional, kiddo. Your body needs it to survive.”

“I don’t like sleep,” Alex mutters morosely.

“Yeah, I noticed, but you still need to try for at least six hours a night, preferably more. We’ll work on it, okay?”

At this Alex finally glances back up at Lin with a look of cautious hope. Lin can almost see the wheels turning in his head, with Alex wondering if Lin had just said what he thought he’d said.

“O-okay?” he responds slowly in more of a question than a real answer.

“Will you join me and Tobi for another walk? I’d like to talk to you about something.”

Alex pales, but nevertheless nods in agreement.

Yesterday afternoon they’d called up social services to talk about keeping Alex and were surprised when Ms. Rensselaer requested a meeting with them in her office for the next day. She’d sounded quite rushed at the time so they hadn’t gotten any more information on what DHS was thinking. They were just going to have to go in and hope that it all worked out okay. She’d wanted to meet quite early, but there was still time for a walk before he and Vanessa needed to leave.

In direct contrast to Monday’s walk, they actually talk to each other while out walking Tobi around. Lin asks Alex about the Kingkiller Chronicles, having noticed that Alex had finished the first book, and Alex is content to talk to him about it. From the questions Alex asks about the characters and plot-points, Lin can tell that Alex had truly soaked it all in and thought about it, despite having read the dense book in a very short amount of time. He’s clearly an exceptionally bright kid with intense intellectual curiosity. Despite everything that has happened to him, that particular fire within Alex has not been snuffed out.

They sit at the same bench as yesterday, though Lin swears Alex is sitting a few inches closer to him this time around. In fact, he’s almost certain of it. Once seated, he hands Alex the pastry bag, but holds off on doing the same with the coffee.

“Eat your food first Alex, then you’ll get your coffee.

When Alex stares at him wide-eyed with just a hint of a pout Lin chuckles sadly.

“Let me guess, you don’t like eating either?”

“I like coffee,” Alex supplies timidly.

“That doesn’t count. That so doesn’t count. You know that, don’t you Alex?”

“Obviously,” Alex sighs with just a hint of sass.

“Is there any food you do like?”

“Th-there was…before…”

Though he doesn’t finish that sentence, Lin infers that Alex means before the Atkinsons. Before his access to food had been limited.

“What were your favorite foods then?”

Alex says nothing, merely stares down at his lap, glaring at his scone as though it had personally wronged him.

“Come on kid, just give me one thing?”

“I liked ice cream,” Alex whispers so quietly he almost doesn’t hear it.

Lin breaks into a grin at this: here’s something he can work with!

“Who doesn’t? You know, my first date with Vanessa was going out for ice cream. I know it’s not the best food for a sensitive stomach, but a little bit is worth a try.”

“Maybe,” Alex says non-committedly. He pauses at this, suddenly wringing out his hands in anxiety. “Um… aren’t you… aren’t you going to talk about…yesterday?”

“If you want to, sure, but we don’t have to. You didn’t do anything wrong Alex, you’re not in trouble.”

Lin has a feeling that Alex had been waiting for him to bring up the Lyttons and chew him out for his behavior with them, growing increasingly anxious the longer the topic went undiscussed.     

“I j-just…I just want to let you know how sorry I am for how I acted,” Alex bursts out, like he’d been wanting to say this for a while now, but had had to work himself up to it. “I know I didn’t look like it, but I really did try. I wanted to make you proud of me, but I was a big coward and you’re probably so sick of this and sick of me and I’m pathetic and-”

“Alex!” Lin cuts him off midsentence just like he’d done in the library on Sunday. When it comes to panicked self-abuse, this kid is big on run-on sentences. He’s also starting to get a little short of breath again.

“Breathe kiddo. Take a deep breath just like that lovely paramedic Hugh had you do yesterday. Slow inhale… slow exhale… there you go. You don’t have anything to worry about anyway. Vanessa and I both know you tried your best and I promise we’re not upset with you. Everything is fine.”

“Sorry,” Alex repeats once a little calmer. “This has never… th-these things haven’t…”

“It’s new? Losing control of your breathing when you panic isn’t something that’s happened before?”

Alex nods. “It’s dumb.”

“No, it’s not. After what was done to you a certain level of difficultly is expected. Nobody can have that happen and just be okay. It will take time. You need to be patient with yourself.”

“I don’t…” Alex pauses, afraid or just otherwise unable to continue.  Even with the monumental change that came on Friday of him actually talking to them, Alex still has such a hard time expressing himself without fear. Lin would love to see more of that loudmouth sassy side of him take the reins one day.

“Go on, you can tell me.”

“I d-don’t want that to happen again. Yesterday was horrible and I’m scared it’s going to be a thing and… just thinking about not wanting it to happen makes it feel like it’s going to.”

Lin can understand Alex’s fear; experiencing that panic attack alongside Alex had been hell, and he can’t imagine what it must have been like for Alex to actually feel it in his body, to feel as though he really was dying. Lin did take Psych 101 in college and what Alex is describing right now- the fear of having panic attacks so strong that it leads to a panic attack- sounds like the definition of a panic disorder.

“It’s going to be okay Alex. I really hope that something as big as yesterday was a one-time thing, but if not, we’ll deal with it. Panic attacks suck, but having them sometimes is not the end of the world.”

“It sure felt like it when it was happening.”

“That I can agree upon. Yesterday, when it was happening, the idea of losing you felt like the end of the world.”

Alex just stares at him, like he can’t make heads or tails of what Lin has been trying to imply. Lin so badly wants to just come outright and ask Alex if he wants to stay with him, but something gives him pause. Besides the fact that Vanessa would be furious at him for having such a monumental conversation without her, if this is something that Alex wants it would be horrible to get his hopes up only to have social services say no. That would be so unfair to him. So instead, Lin switches gears and instead decides to try probing on what his thoughts might be, without outright asking.  

“Alex, are you happy here? Do you like staying with us?”

The teen takes a moment to consider his question, his eyebrows furrowing up rather adorably as he thinks about it.

“Happy is kind of a loaded word,” he says slowly. “But… I do like it here. I like Tobi and Sebastian and…” Alex pauses again as if having to brace himself to say the next bit. “I feel safe here,” he at last whispers to the ground.

That’s huge. As much as it kills him that Alex struggles with the concept of happy, Lin gets that after being in such an abusive home as recently as last week, Alex saying he feels safe with them is the highest compliment he can give.

“Do you trust us?”

Alex clenches and unclenches his fists and frowns down at his shoelaces.

“As much as I can. I want to trust you.” Alex glances up at him and as the two of them lock eyes, it feels to Lin like they‘ve had something of a moment.

Though he had initially been hoping for a yes, Lin actually loves that Alex had been completely honest in his answer. It would have been so easy for the boy to just blindly answer yes to make Lin happy and keep himself safe, but he hadn’t done so. Alex may not realize it, but him freely sharing his reservations with Lin is showing a breathtaking level of trust. Combined with what Alex had inadvertently revealed last night and the rest of his prior actions, Lin takes this to mean that Alex probably does want to stay with them. It’s still not a confirmation, but it’s enough to give him a green light to proceed with their meeting later that day. 

After finishing half of his scone, Alex looks at Lin so pathetically that Lin hands over his to-go coffee cup without either of them having to say a word. Assuming that things go their way at the meeting, moving forward Lin is going to have to figure out how to say no to him. At some point Alex is going to come out of his shell more and when that happens he’s going to be smart enough to figure out Lin’s weakness and exploit the hell out of it. He is a teenager after all.

Once it becomes clear that Alex won’t be eating any more, they dispose the rest of the pastry and head back to the apartment. Vanessa and Sebastian are already awake and getting ready for the day when they return. Ms. Rensselaer had requested that they come in first thing in the morning, so they don’t have much time in between getting back and Lin’s mom stopping by to watch the boys while they’re out.

Once she arrives, getting out the door is an absolute nightmare. With Alex in such a state the day before, Lin had ended up calling his mom and asking her to keep Sebastian for longer than they had originally planned on, meaning that Sebastian had ended up spending most of yesterday away from them. Sebastian is still tiny, but he knows who his parents are, so when they pass him back to Luz that morning before heading out the door, separation anxiety kicks in and he wails in protest.

It’s somehow even worse with Alex. When they explain to him that they are both going to be gone for a few hours, he gets so distraught that they must once again do the breathing coaching with him that they’d learned yesterday. Given the fear he’d just expressed on their walk, Lin gets it when this seems to upset Alex even more, and that’s all before he learns that he’ll be alone for hours with a stranger. The only way they are able to get out the door is with the promise that Alex can lock himself in his room the entire time and with Lin supplying him with his fancy noise-canceling headphones so Alex doesn’t even have to hear Luz’s presence if he doesn’t want to.

They leave the apartment with both boys sobbing for them not to leave in a state of severe separation anxiety. Walking out and closing the door behind them to that is not a happy feeling. They don’t have much of a choice though, not when the meeting they are about to have is this important.

They aren’t able to get seats next to each other on the subway ride over, so they don’t get to talk, but they keep glancing over at each other, exchanging smiles and meaningful looks. This just might be the most significant subway ride they’ve ever taken together.

When they arrive at the DHS building, they walk in hand-in-hand. They might not have always seen eye-to-eye in regard to Alexander those first few days, but they do now. Now they are a team. As they approach Ms. Rensselaer’s office Lin feels the same nervous-excited tingly feeling in his chest as he did when they’d gone into their first ultrasound. No matter the outcome of this meeting, it’s going to be a significant moment in his life story.

When they enter her office, Ms. Rensselaer smiles at them, something Lin takes to be a good sign. Before taking a seat in one of the two chairs set up across from her desk, Vanessa gives Lin’s hand an encouraging squeeze.

She’s got to say yes. If not Lin isn’t sure if he will ever recover from the devastation of losing the boy he has come to see as his own.

“Thank you for coming down here today,” the social worker begins, all business but not without warmth.

“It’s no problem. I know we have a lot to discuss regarding Alex and it wouldn’t work with him in the apartment,” says Vanessa.

Regarding _our Alex_ , Lin silently corrects in his head.

“So, first things first, you should know that the Lyttons withdrew their interest in fostering Alexander.”

“They did what?!”

Lin temporarily forgets what they’re here for and just sees red at the very idea of anyone rejecting Alex. Those fuckers! How could they do something like that? After all the claims they’d made about their experience and how well they worked with kids like Alex, they had some nerve backing out just because of the screaming. They never even got to meet Alex and give him a chance before writing him off like this. How fucking dare they!

“They said that Alex is already in a loving home that he’s bonded with and that breaking up those attachments would be damaging.”

Oh. Lin takes a deep breath to tame the moral outrage festering inside him. They weren’t being monsters- they just saw the truth that was right in front of them this whole time, even faster than Lin himself had. That’s why they’re here anyway, isn’t it? To claim Alex for their own. Even if they were rejecting him, the Lyttons withdrawing claims to Alex is a good thing. 

Ms. Rensselaer picks up a file that is thick with papers from a pile on her desk and slides it over to them.

“I have Alex’s file for you. I’m sorry you didn’t get it earlier. Honestly, because we kept thinking this was only going to be a few more days we never thought it was a high priority, but moving forward there are things you need to know.”

Lin and Vanessa lock eyes. Is she implying what they think she is?

“I’m going to give you the cliff-notes background. Alexander Hamilton was born on the Virgin Island of St Croix. He is a US citizen, though an immigrant in circumstances.”

“We know that part. He shared it with us.”

She beams at them. “That alone is remarkable for Alexander. Now his family moved to the island of Nevis outside the US territory when he was little and his father James Hamilton left the picture. His family was poor, but there are no red flags that anything was awry at home. Then two years ago, Alex’s mother Rachel died very suddenly. All the death certificate said was that she died of natural causes, so either an accident or illness. With this occurring in a foreign country we don’t know the exact details, and Alexander isn’t talking.”

“He’s an orphan then, at least partially. Is that when he entered foster care?”

“No. He and his older brother went into the guardianship of their cousin who later moved himself and Alexander to New York City. We’re not sure what happened to the brother. Not long after the move his cousin committed suicide. That was when Alex entered foster care.”

“Shit.” The trickle of excitement Lin might have felt upon hearing there are no parents in the picture vanishes in an instant. Not only is that such a horrifyingly traumatic thing to happen to the boy he cares about so much, but this narrative is also sounding eerily similar to that of a certain historical figure he’s spent the last seven years researching and writing about.

“After that, he went through a fairly typical number of foster homes. Finding stability in the foster care system is tricky for teenagers. Then he got to the Atkinsons. The notes from his previous social worker checking in with them led us to believe that they would be the family to take Alexander to adulthood. It seemed like everything was stable…”

“It wasn’t.”

“No. The only clue we had prior to the neighbor calling the police was that he stopped talking. When he started at a new school in September we got multiple reports from teachers and the school counselor who knew he was a foster kid, saying that he never spoke. His previous social worker who had been doing home visits confirmed this, but couldn’t seem to tell us at what point that had started. But his teachers at his previous school all insisted that he talked up a storm with them. Several were adamant that they could never get him to shut up. Mr. and Mrs. Atkinson also claimed Alexander spoke with them. This supported the diagnosis that Alexander had developed selective mutism over the summer as a latent reaction to all the past trauma and changes in his life. The therapist thought maybe switching schools was one change too many.”

Or maybe the cause of the change was that Alexander had spent an entire summer _alone_ with those monsters with no break. No one had considered that? It’s fairly obvious to Lin that this failure to speak wasn’t some pathological psychological disorder, but a cry for help in the only way that Alex had left, when telling anyone what was going on had been forbidden. Whether he was aware of it or not Alex had needed adults to notice that something was wrong and not speaking had been the only way of attracting attention that was safe. It just hadn’t worked.

If the neighbor hadn’t called the police when they did, if those monsters hadn’t stepped up their abuse to the point of breaking Alex’s shoulder, would he still be with them? The horrifying answer to that is yes, he probably would be.

“As far as his psychological profile, I’d say that in one week you guys know more about Alexander than we learned in over a year. He’s a very closed-off young man and has been through a lot. My guess is that what we know about what he’s been through and what is going on with him is just the tip of the iceberg. Parenting Alexander is not going to be easy. If I had to guess, I’d say there will be a lot of unexpected snags and surprises along the way.”

Lin and Vanessa say nothing. Though it’s not hard to follow her train of thought, they don’t want to jinx it.

“So… all that being said it cannot be understated that Alex is doing very well with you guys. He’s doing miles above are highest expectations. And even though Alexander hasn’t been able to say it directly, I think he’s been telling us non-verbally with his actions that he doesn’t want to leave. Which leads to a very big question: are you at all interested in making this long-term?”

 “We’d definitely like to discuss it.”

The rest of the conversation goes exceedingly well. To his enormous delight and relief, they receive absolutely no pushback regarding being Alex’s long-term placement. In all of Lin’s nerves and doomsday thinking, he had forgotten one important fact: the foster care system is stressed and overcrowded. With them already being an approved family to foster, there really was no reason social services would say no to Alex staying with them, especially with his higher-level needs that would make him difficult to place. In Lin’s mind, with his knowledge of what a remarkable boy Alex is, there should be a line going out the door of people wanting him, but there isn’t. Not with the bare facts of Alexander’s case and history laid out before them. They are the only ones that want him.

They have a ton of paperwork to fill out and sign, which takes forever. It’s bizarre how much is required of them and how many hoops they have to jump through with Alex, while with Sebastian they hadn’t had to do anything. So long as they’d paid the hospital bill, nobody had cared.

When they get to the final page requiring their signatures, Lin pauses.

“Can we wait? I’d really like to check with Alex first before we make this official.”

Ms. Rensselaer looks taken aback by this. They must be so used to shuffling kids around without hearing their input that the mere idea of this sounds novel.

“Do you really think there’s a chance he won’t say yes?”

Lin merely shrugs. Given the conversation he’d had with Alex early that morning, it’s not likely, but that doesn’t matter. If they are going to do this it is important that they start things off with Alex knowing that his opinion matters.

“Okay, well, you can take that last paper with you to sign and fax it over after you talk with him.”

Before they leave Lin has one last question.

“Is Alexander legally free?” They are already in deep, they might as well talk adoption.

“No. The situation with his father is still not clear. At this point we don’t even know what country he’s in or if he’s even alive. The same goes for his older brother. Maybe someday he will be, just not yet.”

“For the sake of clarity, what exactly does long-term foster placement mean?”

“That so long as his status remains the same, home checks go okay and you remain willing, Alexander will live with you until he’s an adult in three years.”

“Four years,” Vanessa is quick to correct. “Alex is only fourteen.”

“Not for long, he’ll be fifteen in January.”

Lin blanches a little at this. Based upon his size, Lin would have guessed that Alex had only just recently turned fourteen. Even in Lin’s 7th grade English class from years ago, Alex easily would have been the smallest of the bunch. Lin is also struck with a sudden eerie feeling and knows, even before opening the file to check, that his Alex’s birthday is on January 11th, same as the founding father Alexander Hamilton. It’s a little creepy, but even entertaining the idea of these coincidences having any meaning leads down a wormhole of weirdness and, ultimately, it doesn’t really matter. So Lin does his best to put it out of his mind and just focus on the immediate problems of the here and now.

“We’re going to want to get him enrolled in school, right?” High school. They will be sending their tiny Alex to high school. That’s a rather terrifying thought

“If you need him occupied during the day, sure, but if not I would recommend waiting. It’s almost December and two weeks in is winter break. Starting after that would be a nice clean start for him.”

“We’ll keep him home,” Vanessa says quickly. “One of us will always be home with him.”

Lin nods in agreement. He likes this plan better. It will give Alex more time to adjust to them and to be less psychologically delicate, before springing something new on him. The very idea of sending Alex to school at all, regardless of the grade, fills him with dread. How can they expect a boy who has panic attacks in crowds and cries when they leave him alone for a few hours to possibly cope with high school?

One step at a time. 

“Now going back to your question on his legal status, I take it you’re asking about adoption?”

“Yeah.” Lin is aware that that’s moving awfully quick on a kid he’s only known for a week, but hey, sometimes you have to go all in or nothing.

“Like I said, it’s not an option right now, but I’ll make a note on his file that you’ve expressed an interest.”

It’s a little anti-climactic to end on a maybe after going on his own soul-searching character arch over it (he’s a writer, that’s how he sees his world), but if that’s the best they can get, for now it will have to be enough.

They get up to leave, feeling a little lightheaded over the new direction their life has taken and bursting with excitement to go home to talk to Alex, when Ms. Rensselaer stops them.

“Hold on, I have something for you.”

She opens up a back closet and comes back with a pile of old, worn-out books and hands them to Lin.

“These are his?” Lin breathes in wonder. “These are Alex’s books that were left with the Atkinsons?”

She nods. “I had some police pick them up on Friday, but I wanted to hold off on getting them to him. I thought it would be great for building trust with his new family if they were the ones to give them to him. I guess that’s you now!”

Part of Lin is angry that she waited so long to get them to Alex, but he also gets it. Had this unfolded differently and Alex had gone with the Lyttons, them presenting Alex with the books would have been a perfect way to start their relationship. It certainly will be for them with the new relationship they are taking with Alex, not just as temporary hosts, but as actual parental figures.

\-------

“Well?” Luz asks expectantly before they even have a chance to get though the front door, blocking their path in so they can’t even make it inside until she gets an answer.

“We still have to talk to Alex first.”

“But did _they_ say yes to this?”

Lin can’t help but break into a grin as he nods. At this confirmation, his mom squeals in delight as she pulls him into a hug. 

“I knew it! From the first time you told me about him, I knew he would be yours. And then just watching you interact with him, even as early back as Thursday, it was so obvious!”

Apparently, Lin was the last one to realize how much he loved Alex.

“I know this is rude, but do you think you could leave now? I really want to get to our talk with Alex so we can make this official. Is he still locked in his room?”

She sighs dramatically. “I suppose I can do that, but only if you promise that your father and I can start visiting our grandsons more often. And no, he’s out in the living room. Your Alexander came out at when Sebastian started getting fussy. I think he was a little concerned about him and wanted to make sure I wasn’t screwing up.”

That sounds just like Alex. He loves how protective of Sebastian Alex is already.

“Yeah, I think regular visits would be a good idea. That’s probably the only way Alex is going to get used to you guys.”

Luz frowns a little at this and leans in to whisper: “He didn’t speak a single word to me and just seems so terrified.”

“That's okay, him not speaking to you is expected. I’m amazed that he came out at all.”

“This is a pretty needy kid you’re taking on, Lin.”

“I know.”

If he really stops to think about everything they are taking on with Alex it is quite overwhelming. Alex has so many needs that are beyond the typical norm for a teenager, and there is still so much that they don’t know. Lin should be in an absolute panic about it all, but he’s somehow strangely not.

Once his Mom leaves and allows him to fully enter the apartment Lin can feel himself light up at the sight of Alex. The boy that is now his, or at least as much his as the system will allow. Alex curled up in the corner of the couch with a book has become a fixture of this apartment, as though he was always meant to be there.

Exactly how they are going to go about meeting all of Alex’s needs and do right by him, Lin doesn’t know. Dealing with the level of trauma Alex has gone through is still terrifying. Between his newborn son and Alex’s severe sleep struggles, it’s unlikely that either he or Vanessa will be getting a full night’s sleep for quite some time. Yet looking at Alex- sweet, quirky little Alex with his shaggy hair and outdated clothes, so damaged yet still able to light up the room with his smile- Lin is easily able to push his doubts to the far corners of his mind. They’re still there, of course, but no longer running the show. His love for the boy has taken over.  

“Hi darling,” Vanessa greets, looking at Alex with the same level of affection that Lin is currently feeling. She walks over to him and tentatively takes his hand, stroking it gently. “Do you think you can come sit at the table with us? We have some things we need to talk to you about.”

Alex’s face floods with anxiety and he lets out the slightest involuntary whimper of apprehension, before he nods and walks stoically over to the kitchen with them. As he sits down at the table across from them, Alex starts gnawing aggressively at his lower lip, wide-eyed.

“Stop that sweetie. Leave your lip alone,” Lin tells him gently.

“Sorry,” Alex cringes, staring down at his hands.

“It’s fine, I get that it isn’t something you’re fully in control of. I just hate seeing you hurt yourself. If you could just try your best not to, I would really appreciate it.”

“Okay,” Alex squeaks out. He’s terrified out of his mind right now. This whole sitting him down formally at the table plan of theirs might not have been the best idea. 

“Well Alex,” says Vanessa, likely coming to the same conclusion and wanting to get right to the chase. “I don’t know if you were aware, but our meeting today was with your social worker.

“I-I th-thought it m-might be,” Alex stutters miserably, fidgeting in his chair and looking close to another full-blown panic attack. Not wanting to drag on his anxiety any longer than they must, Lin decides to just come out and say it.

“We asked if we could be your long-term placement and they said yes.”

Alex’s normally fidgety, nervous body goes dead-still at this and he stares at them open-mouthed.

“Most of the paperwork has been completed,” Vanessa continues for him. “But we still need one more signature to make it official and before we do we wanted to check with you first. So, we have an important question for you.”

Vanessa looks at Lin expectantly, graciously allowing him to be the one to ask the question. He’s nervous though, as nervous as he was when asking Vanessa to marry him.

“Alex, would you be interested in being part of our family? That is to say, would you like to stay with us long-term?”

There is a long pause before Alex responds in any way. As they sit at the table waiting for a reply, it feels as though time is standing still.

“That would be alright,” Alex at last says shyly.

“That’s a yes then?!” Inside Lin is bursting with excitement to the point of wanting to do backflips across the room, but he tries to rein it in for Alex’s sake.

“Yes. It’s... it’s what I’ve wanted.” Alex’s voice cracks slightly, and his eyes get a little teary.

“Oh sweetie, that’s what we want too. We want you to be a part of our family.” Vanessa stands up abruptly, now also in tears, and takes a cautious step over to him. “Alex, can I please hug you?” 

Though Alex had involuntarily flinched when Vanessa took a step towards him, he seems to check himself and gives a cautious nod of agreement.

As he watches teary-eyed Vanessa pull teary-eyed Alex into a gentle hug, Lin longs to join in, to hug Alex himself or to make this their first family group-hug, yet he holds himself back. He saw the way Alex flinched when Vanessa first came towards him, and if it was pushing it for Vanessa, there is no way it would be tolerated with him. Instead he focuses on pulling out the small but precious collection of books he had stashed away in his messenger bag.

“Alex, I have something that belongs to you.”

As he places the books on the table, Lin hears a sharp intake of breath from the other side of the table. He glances over at them just as Alex pulls away from Vanessa’s embrace and promptly stands up, staring at the items in front of him in wonder.

“I thought they were gone forever,” he whispers, touching them lightly with the tips of his fingers, as if checking that they were real.

“I told you that first night that we’d get them back for you, didn’t we?”

Alex starts to full on cry at this, the tears streaming freely down his face as he picks them up and holds them carefully to his chest.

“They were my mother’s. My mother’s favorite books. They were the only things I had left of her and…” Alex trails off, suddenly too overcome with emotions to say anything more.

Armed as they are with a little more backstory into Alex’s life, this thing with the books all suddenly makes sense. No wonder Alex had been so desperate to get them back and so adamant that he didn’t want them replaced.

Alex places the books almost reverently back on the table. He takes a few shy steps towards him and before Lin even realizes what is happening, Alex has his arms around him in a hug. It’s quick and it only lasts a matter of seconds, so short that by the time Lin’s shocked brain processes what’s happening it’s already over, but it might just be the most meaningful hug he’d ever received.

It’s amazing what a week can bring. A week ago, Lin had only had one child. Two weeks ago he’d had none. Things are changing so fast and it’s scary, but that’s okay, because it’s also kind of amazing.

This has certainly been a bit of a week. It doesn’t escape Lin’s notice that it’s once again a Tuesday and that at this time last week he still hadn’t received the phone call from James Callender. Lin still can’t stand him for what he’d said to Alex, but nonetheless feels gratitude that he’d happened to pick up their newly-approved file at just the right time to lead to the phone call that had brought them Alex. This time a week ago he hadn’t even known Alex existed. A week ago he was the father of one brand new son and now he had two. As crazy as it is, Lin is already thinking of Alex as his son and himself as his father. He knows that Alex isn’t ready to hear that yet and that it will take some time before he can, but one day Lin will tell him, and he can’t wait to get there.

Alex runs off not long after that and they hear the lock click behind him as he disappears into his room. It’s a little disheartening, but Lin gets it- this is all quite overwhelming and he needs a moment. Alex just isn’t quite ready for grand displays of emotion just yet. That’s fine- they’ll have plenty of time to work on it.

He’s theirs now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a wrap!
> 
> I can't thank you all enough for all the love and support I've gotten from this story. These past few months nothing has filled me with such delight as getting another comment or tumblr message. If you've liked this and haven't already, be sure to read (and comment on) the other stories within my "Alex and Lin" verse. My personal favorite of those stories is "Affection Without Consent", but if you want to see Alex doing well four months from when this story end "First Snow" is the way to go. 
> 
> I will be posting a third chapter of "Vertigo" when I get back from my vacation/work trip next weekend that will serve as somewhat of an epilogue to this story. More oneshots will likely follow later this summer and I will be posting deleted scenes from this story to my tumblr (alixzin.tumblr.com) so be sure to follow me if you are interested. 
> 
> Also, once again, a million thanks to my beta ImLostForever. Not only could I not have done this without her constant support, advice and grammar assistance, this story wouldn't even exist without her since she was the one who poked me into writing a prequel.

**Author's Note:**

> Standard disclaimer: This story includes the character Lin-Manuel and Vanessa Nadal and other RLC that are based upon personality traits, however I am in no way suggesting it to be the actual man or women. They are characters.
> 
>  
> 
> I live for reviews. :)


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